When life as you know it shatters, it can be hard to imagine there will ever again be joy when it’s hard.
“Let me not die while I am still alive,” Sheryl Sandberg wrote after her husband died suddenly, leaving her a widow with two young children.
Because living is not just getting out of bed every morning. It’s possible to show up for life — maybe even look like we’re okay — but to be absolutely numb to feeling.
It’s possible to run the errands, put dinner on the table, read to the kids, sit through the meeting and be 10,000 miles away, desperately trying to manage the hollow pain carried through the day.
The question isn’t whether we’ll survive seasons of suffering. I was pretty sure I could keep managing with at least some shell of myself. The question I wanted to know was – would I ever see joy again?
Would I ever have breezy days of fun with my kids or would my days always have that overhanging shadow of missing and brooding? Would there be times that afterward left me sighing with blissful fullness or would I just wear a smile that covered over brokenness?
Here’s what I wrote in my journal:
June 29: “Feeling very alone. How can we ever fill such a gaping hole?…I don’t think my heart can ever love that deep, that securely, that innocently again…”
June 30: “Will I always evaluate everything pre-June 17 and post-June 17?…For me, I will remember the dream I lived before June 17 and the life I lived after. Help me Lord to create a good, rich, fun, joyful, stable post June-17 life.”
July 1: “How long will it hurt Lord? I tell people with my mouth that You will restore our joy and I believe it in my heart and yet it hurts so much…How will this turn out for good? Raw, raw pain and sadness for a dream life and dream future that is no more.”
How long, Lord? I opened to the next Psalm in my reading, Psalm 126.
When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion,
We were like men who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
The LORD has done great things for us
and we are filled with joy.
Psalm 126 became my prayer. I memorized it, I prayed it, I claimed it for my family and I wrote our name and the date next to it in my Bible.
I so wanted to know our home would be filled with laughter and joy again. I could see it was promised, but I wanted to be looking back, saying “the LORD has done great things for us and we are filled with joy.”
That day happened to be Rachel’s 18th birthday and she wanted to really celebrate such a milestone birthday. But we were only two weeks out from Dan’s death and as much as I wanted to celebrate Rachel, I could not pull together a party.
I needed to know we’d have joy again. Rachel wanted to celebrate her birthday. God was already meeting both of us.
Rachel had put out a quick Facebook invite to friends to meet for ballroom dancing and to wear pink. That evening, we piled into the car, all of Rachel’s brothers decked out in pink polos and button downs. Matt and Annalise were thrilled to get to go and stay up late.
When we got there, I could see Rachel’s friends who had come, all wearing pink for her. One had made a cake frosted in bright pink; another had made pink Krispy treats. Another friend handed her pink roses and another a bouquet of pink balloons.
As I watched these friends chatting and dancing that evening, my boys dancing with their sisters and all of them gathering to sing happy birthday, I realized . . . I was smiling. Not a surface smile but deep smiling. On the very day I had prayed for joy and asked how long it would take, God was already putting pieces into place to bring joy.
And when Rachel got in the car late that night, squeezed between her flowers and balloons, she gave one of those happy sighs of a full heart and said it had been one of her best birthdays ever.
Only God.
Right in the midst of pain, He had brought a pocket of joy. I thought I would have to get all the way through the pain to see joy again. But, it’s not one or the other; it’s both. God gives pockets of joy right in the midst of suffering.
That joy is part of our hope this side of heaven. It’s what helps us know the painful days won’t always feel like this. We can say right in the midst of the hard, “The LORD has done great things for us.”
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The full 31 Days: Braving the Broken series can be found here.
Lisa thank you for sharing the greatness of God and that He is always near!
He is always near, Mona! Thank you. <3
This was speaking to my heart today. Ive gone so many years waiting for my old self to reappear from grief. I didnt celebrate the daily joy no matter how small each and every day holds some joy to be thankful over. Thank you
Beth, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a struggle, but so worth it for you and for the ones that love you.
Thank you for sharing. <3
Thank you, Pam.
Thank you, Lisa. What beauty in your words! I thank the Lord for you.
~Jennifer
Praising God with you Jennifer.
These posts you are writing this month are just so real and wonderful, Lisa. I mean, tears come with each paragraph, but sometimes they are tears of sadness and other times tears of amazement. And this: “I thought I would have to get all the way through the pain to see joy again. But, it’s not one or the other; it’s both.” I hope everyone who reads today finds some way to truly grasp this!
Lois, sometimes I cry through the writing too, but I most often tear up ar God’s goodness. Thank you for your kind encouragement.
How absolutely of God this precious time of joy was! It brought a smile to my heart as well.
Sometimes, God has to remind us that He is all those things that bring us closer to Him. Joy is one of those and He wants us to be filled with Him, with Joy.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
Visiting from Suzanne’s
Thank you Linda. Yes, straight from God.
What a beautiful story, Lisa. You always encourage me. I love this portion:
“Right in the midst of pain, He had brought a pocket of joy. I thought I would have to get all the way through the pain to see joy again. But, it’s not one or the other; it’s both. God gives pockets of joy right in the midst of suffering. “
Lisa, right after leaving this comment, I went to “clean up” some of my emails. I had sent myself an email with a link to a song I wanted to listen to. I clicked on the link and tears just welled up as I listened to this song. It so beautifully describes what the Lord has been to you and your family. You may be very familiar to the song already, but I just now it will bless you to listen to it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x8TZiwPGa0
I love this. My husband and I used that as our wedding verse after he had spent our engagement fighting cancer. Now that it’s my first Christmas season with him in heaven, I think that verse may reappear for this year’s Christmas cards.
I hope that people may know that joy and grief co-exist. Grief doesn’t mean no joy and the presence of joy doesn’t mean I’m done grieving. God does good things in the midst of bad things and that’s a wonderful gift.