Sleep in Grief: Why Loss Disrupts Sleep and How to Help

The mental, emotional, and physical toll of grief is exhausting. Yet the sleep we so desperately need in grief is often difficult to get in grief.

When my oldest daughter began having a terrible time sleeping after her dad suddenly died, I had a sign painted for her room with Psalm 4:8 that says “In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

My stress seemed to stay on high alert after my husband suddenly died, causing my mind and thoughts to race. I’d awakened to his last breaths in our bed and now my sleep routine was completely off.

How do we find sleep in grief? Let’s look at why loss disrupts sleep and how to help.

Why You Can’t Sleep in Grief

Sometimes it’s an empty side of the bed that makes getting sleep difficult in grief. I have friends who have put pillows next to them to take up space. Sometimes it’s a quiet house that screams life is different now.

Evenings and nights are generally harder is grief as it is. We can fill our day with activity and people, but nights bring a dark, quiet home.

Some grievers have trouble getting to sleep while others fall asleep well but wake during the night and can’t get back to sleep. Dreams or racing thoughts can also disrupt sleep in grief.

Tips to Get Sleep in Grief

1. Ask friends to pray for your sleep. When people asked what they could do for me after Dan died, I gave them specific prayer needs. One of those was that I would get sleep. I knew they were praying because most nights I got solid sleep. I mean, yes I was single parenting seven children from preschool to teens and usually fell into bed exhausted by day’s end. But the faithful prayers of friends helped me get desperately needed sleep.

2. Create a simple nighttime ritual. A nighttime rhythm cues our body that it’s time to go to sleep. We create nightly patterns for babies and children but somehow think as adults we can go straight from a busy day to sound sleep. A calming routine can include diming lights, drinking warm decaffeinated tea, taking off makeup and brushing teeth, putting on comfy pajamas, and closing out your day with devotional reading.

3. Journal your thoughts. An end-of-day journaling practice helps us process the intense emotions and anxious thoughts of grief before bed. Research shows journal writing helps us destress and improves sleep. Add in a gratitude practice of looking back over your day and noting five to seven things to thank God for. God promises when we give our anxious thoughts to him with thanksgiving that he will give us his peace. Use this free gratitude collection to start a calming, evening gratitude practice.

4. Create a soothing sleep environment. Your bedroom may hold sad or traumatic memories after loss. I’ve known several grievers who got new bedding or redecorated their bedrooms. Simple ways to create a soothing sleep sanctuary include decluttering, removing stacks of papers and bills, adding in cozy blankets and textures, and using soft lightbulbs.

5. Keep it dark and cold. I grew up with nightlights but have learned a dark environment is best for deep, undisturbed sleep. Eliminate light from clocks, phones, and other electronics.Adding black out curtains may help, but be sure to pull them back when you wake for morning light. Experts also recommend keeping your bedroom at 60-67 degrees Fahrenheit for deep sleep.

6. Get back to sleep after waking. Sometimes the problem isn’t going to sleep initially but getting back to sleep after waking. Tossing and turning or picking up a phone to look at the time only make it harder to get back to sleep. Instead, experts recommend we get out of bed, find a comfortable reading spot with dim light, and open a boring book. As soon as your eyelids grow heavy, move back to the bed and go back to sleep.

A word of caution. If you’re tempted to self-medicate with alcohol, over-the-counter medications that cause drowsiness, or other substances, please see a medical professional who can help you find a long-term solution. In my experience walking with others in grief, turning to a substance to escape or alleviate the pain only postpones the grief work we have to do to move forward well. (Also, this post is offered as experience and not as medical advice.)

Bible Verses for Sleep in Grief

When anxiety won’t stop.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6–7, ESV)

When the house or bed feel lonely.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18, ESV)

When thoughts and memories are racing.
“In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” (Psalm 4:8, ESV)

When you toss with fear in the middle of the night.
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.” (Psalm 56:3, ESV)

When the future feels heavy at night.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11, ESV)

When your body is exhausted.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28, ESV)