“You haven’t finished all the shopping yet?” my son asked. It was December 23rd and my stomach tightened at his question. He’d just gotten home from college and had no idea all that our December had held.
I was two and a half years into this single parenting thing. It was our third Christmas without Dan and while I thought I should be able to manage everything, I still had not transitioned into any kind of “new normal.” As much as I tried to make life for my kids look like it always had and as much as I did not want them to feel the hovering loss in our everyday routine, there was no masking the huge gap in our life without him.
One of my sons had asked for a shotgun that Christmas. Which sounds easy enough if you know all about shotguns, but that had been Dan’s area. I knew nothing about guns.
I resolved to make it happen and give this boy I loved a Christmas to remember. I swallowed my pride and called a couple of men for the basics of shotgun buying.
Then on Black Friday, armed with what I had learned, I opened the Dick’s Sporting Goods flyer and spotted a gun on sale in my price range. Perfect. We were traveling back from Thanksgiving but we stopped at Dick’s late Friday afternoon as soon as we got into town.
I showed the picture of the shotgun to the salesman, only to learn it had sold out. He showed me other guns that may have been just as good, but I was lost. I’d have to go back and consult and figure out which one to get now.
As I kept researching, my son – knowing nothing about his mom’s predicament — changed his mind. Figuring he wouldn’t have much chance to use a new shotgun, he asked for a fishing pole instead. Which sounds easy enough if you know all about fishing poles, but that was Dan’s area. I knew nothing about fishing poles.
So there I was on December 23rd — shopping unfinished, struggling to pull off The Best Christmas Ever for my kids and falling so far short.
I should have stopped right then and let myself – and everyone else in my family – off the hook. The hook of my expectations and what I thought they were expecting in an awesome Christmas.
But I kept trying to push through and make it happen. I worked harder and stayed up later. It might even have worked, but one of my children didn’t realize my expectations and didn’t meet the part in pulling off The Perfect Christmas.
So by December 24th, two of us were in tears, both feeling miserably misunderstood. I scrubbed at the Christmas Eve dishes, my tears falling hot. Didn’t my kids see how hard I’d worked to make Christmas special? Didn’t they know how I’d spun every plate I could with musicals, performances, parties, school work, decorating, baking and a season of basketball in full swing?
Now on the other side of that Sadly Imperfect Christmas Eve, I’ve hashed over where I went wrong. Mostly because I never want a repeat. I probably should have started prepping earlier. Perhaps I could have said no to more things or simplified a bit more.
All three would have helped, but when I really untangle it, I realize something was missing that Christmas – grace for our Christmas.
I needed grace for myself and I absolutely needed grace for the faces around my dinner table.
I had tried to soldier through. With good motives but flawed thinking.
Life will not look the same as it did. I cannot re-create the childhood that my kids had when Dan was alive. Life will look different — but it can still be good.
I may wring my hands over the challenges of raising kids, the emotional issues I’d love to talk out (or hand over altogether), the things left undone that I cannot get to. I often feel so inadequate for all of it.
But God knew that I’d be parenting these kids alone. This season doesn’t surprise Him. He’s not having to pull out Plan B for me or our family.
Maybe your Christmas looks different this year. Maybe you’re dealing with huge challenges or changes and you’re trying your best to soldier through.
Give yourself and those around your table a gift — grace for your Christmas.
Life may look different for you now but it hasn’t taken God by surprise. This isn’t Plan B for Him. God knew all about these days just as He knew all of the days that came before them. And He has allowed them.
Let’s let ourselves and those we love off the hook this Christmas. Let’s hang up our expectations altogether. And let’s trust that God who knew about this season in our life, will equip us for it.
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Lisa,
You put into words what I could not say. I always try to create a perfect Christmas for my family. I fall short every time which leads to an emptiness inside and a determination to do it just right next time. There is so much frustration trying to do Christmas without keeping Christ at the very center of it all as I tend to do at times. I rely on myself quite a bit instead of focusing on what is most important. Even though our family traditions were centered around Christ, at times I dropped my focus and let the other parts of Christmas take over. Thank you for allowing God to work through you, for sharing what you’ve learned and for being the wonderful person that you are! You’re doing a great job with your family! Dan would be so proud of you! Praying for you and your sweet family!
Learning more about grace……..
Terri
Wow, Teri, so many of us hold up superstar expectations. Thank you for friend, for your encouragement. I’m praying for a grace-filled Christmas!
Lisa,
Thank you for your words of grace and wisdom.
I’ve had to let go of my dream….
First Christmas divorced, grandma and uncle both gone.
It is a very different Christmas for me and my 10 yr old son.
God has a plan…. I trust his plan.
No matter what has happened Christmas is about the birth of our savior.
Yes, it is Deborah. God can bring joy even in the very hard resets of life.
Lisa,
I was reading along, nodding my head at each emotion and struggle your described. Yes, been there, done that. We experienced some painful, raw years as we adjusted to the big gaping hole in our lives and plans. What a surprise it was for me when my children reached a point of expressing nostalgia , and it was for things we have done since my husband died! I didn’t see that one coming.
But what really hit me was this:
“But God knew that I’d be parenting these kids alone. This season doesn’t surprise Him. He’s not having to pull out Plan B for me or our family. ”
While this all feels somehow ‘less than’ for me, it’s not less than for God! What a relief! Thank you!
Oh these are good words to hear. Thank you for sharing!
Oh Lisa … this is so stark and hard and true and beautiful … the lump in my throat just kept getting bigger with every sentence. You are a wise, amazing writer … I hope you realize that. Many blessings to you and your family this Christmas!
Lois, thank you. <3 I appreciate your encouragement! Experience is a hard, but oh-so-true, teacher.
Thank you Lisa! We/I love the holidays and I’ve always built them around Family and tradition. This year, with both of my parents gone, I feel like there’s a “hole”…an “emptiness”. I pray that we will fill that space, my children and I, with Jesus and the peace that HE is the answer to that blank place and will cover our sadness with his GRACE. Thank you for your encouraging and heartfelt words! Much love and happiness to you and your children. Merry Christmas to you all!
Joanie
Joanie, that first Christmas is especially hard. Love and grace to you all as well as you transition with your family.
“This isn’t Plan B for Him. God knew all about these days just as He knew all of the days that came before them. And He has allowed them.” LOVE that. I keep telling myself that as well. God is using us in our days just as they are, no fru-fru or added niceties needed. He just comes. Immanuel.
You are a strong women and stronger still for realizing that your life will still be different, yet good.
Always enjoy reading your posts, Lisa – thanks for stopping by my place today from G&T!
Good to connect with you Ruthie.
This is beautifully said, Lisa, and applicable to so many! May you and your family continue to celebrate Christmas with expectancy for the One who can make it just what it should be, not with expectations of what we think it should look like.
Same to you, Julie. 🙂
Amen to letting ourselves off the hook! My husband and I are on the tail end — I hope!!! — of a string of challenges since last August, and some significant unexpected expenses, so as I look at this Christmas, I think, “It is what it is.” But I think that I put more expectations on myself to create a perfect holiday than anyone else does. So encouraging to read your post, Lisa. We still have so much to be grateful for.
Grace wise words, Lisa. I’ve always tried to create the “perfect” Christ,as but each year it just feels like something missing even though I try to keep Jesus at the centre of it. This year I read a blot post on giving perfection away and embracing the imperfect and letting myself off the hook. A grace, Christ filled Christmas is exactly what I’m striving for filled with imperfection but so much love and kindness. I believe God will keep my heart filled up with Him when I spend time fully connected to Him. Thank you for your wise words. As always, I learn from what you post. Thank you and God bless you and keep you and your family. Xo
🙂 Your whole post made me smile. I have SO been there! And I am determined to never bed there again. Perfection is the enemy when you go at it alone. It only comes by grace through faith. Thanks for sharing your story.
Lisa, Once again, my heart is filled with gratitude for the beautiful gift God has given you to put your feelings into words. Thank you for the sweet reminder, “Let’s hang up our expectations altogether. And let’s trust that God who knew about this season in our life, will equip us for it.” You are such a blessing to me!
What a beautiful voice you’ve given to all struggling parents. It takes a strong woman of God to not only persevere yourself, but to make certain that all the rest of us understand the grace that’s available. I really enjoyed your blog today, thank you!!
Thanks for reminding us that Christmas isn’t about our work but God’s gift in Christ!
Lisa – I needed this today. I’m floating in limbo with a relationship, not knowing if my dreams will come true or not. I’ve found it difficult to relax and enjoy the season. After reading this, and after gathering a bit of momentum, I’m determined to make the best of it – with grace.
So glad you were linked in Faith N Friends, and that you were in the Literary Musings linkup. A few things happened to get me here, and I’m thankful for that.
This is so moving. While my Christmas remains the same, there are so many around me who have been forced to deal with a change. Sometimes grace doesn’t come easy. And as the adage says “if God saw us to it, He’ll see us through it”.