Never apologize for tears of grief that help you heal.
Tears are the first words in grief.
After Dan died, it’s like a valve was turned allowing my tears to tumble easily throughout the day.
I cried alone, I cried during my morning quiet time, I cried with my kids. I cried while running, I cried with friends, I cried in the car. I cried myself to sleep and cried in my dreams.
Sundays brought an overflow of tears. I usually made it through teaching with just a few tears and held them back when talking with friends.
But worship undid me. It seemed the song set was picked just for me helping me express deep groanings of my shattered heart. There, wrapped in the presence of God, tears came hot and steady, a messy mix of grief for who we’d lost and hope because of Who held us.
I never knew a person could cry so many tears.
I never knew a person could cry so many tears for so many months.
Never apologize for your tears.
God who created us also created our emotions and in his flawless design has given humans alone the unique gift of emotional tears.
It’s no wonder science keeps uncovering the incredible benefit of our tears.
Tears helps us release stress. While tears that lubricate and tears that come from dust or cutting an onion are 98 percent water, emotional tears are filled with stress hormones and toxins. The trauma, pain, changes and fear that come in grief are enormously stressful. And yet, God in His wisdom created us with an outlet to cry out that stress.
Tears help calm us. While grief and despair make our heart race and stomach churn, crying lowers our heartrate and blood pressure. It’s a desperate calm we need in the turbulence of grief. That’s why crying may be difficult in the moment but often feels so cathartic afterward.
Tears help soften the pain. When we cry, our body releases endorphins that simultaneously reduce the negative feelings of pain while increasing the positive feelings of pleasure. Even in grief, God has provided a protection. A buffer to pull us from the pit of despair and remind us of the hope we have in Him.
Tears are a language God understands.
God’s Word has so much to say about tears, but I want us to see 3 things:
1.God sees every one of our tears.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8 (NLT)
God sees our tears. He counts every single one. There’s no way I could begin to measure the volume of tears I’ve cried, but God can and does. God not only measures it, He records it.
Why? Because He cares. When our heart is shattered and our life is upended, we don’t have a God who stay far off. He is close to the broken-hearted and walks with us in grief.
2. God experienced tears.
Jesus wept. John 11:35
Is there any more poignant verse in scripture that tells us Jesus has grieved just as we grieve? That Jesus knows the emotions that trigger tears?
Let this sink in —
Standing there in front of his friends, his apostles, a mass of followers, his critics, the Son of God did not apologize for his tears.
Then the Jews said, “See how He loved him!”
God understands grief and tears because He experienced grief and tears. We never need apologize for our tears because Jesus never apologized for His tears. We have permission to cry and let our emotions out because God also walked that deep pain.
3. God promises tears will turn to joy.
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them. Psalm 126:5-6
Our tears are not the end of the story.
Our despair and brokenness, pain and loss are not cul-de-sacs where we will keep circling forever.
Along with the tears, make sure you tell yourself that it won’t always feel like this.
Because God is a restoring God and a healing God and an abundant-life God.
He delights in bringing beauty for ashes and gladness for grief.
Your tears need no apology.
They are pure gift from our good God who is using each one to bind up the broken places in you.
And one day, the same hand that puts each tear in a bottle, will reach up to wipe them all away.
This is a comfort for me. It is going on 2 years since my love David went to be with our Lord. Sometimes I feel like my tears will never end. I know my God loves me but I still feel list. Thank you for this up lifting message. May the lord bless you.
It is incredible how many tears we can cry! God does walk us through that hardest part.
I feel the same…. my husband has been gone 17 month …with god , but I feel my tears flow harder now. Thank you for these comforting words Lisa
I to have had a lot of the same thoughts. I lost my oldest daughter 14 years ago in a car wreck. She would have been 40 this year and I still cry for all the time I lost with her and the grandchildren I don’t have. I remember in the bad days the only time I didn’t feel the pain of losing my beautiful girl was when I first woke up. I would look around, stretch and the realization would come and the grief and pain slammed back into me and would cry.
As a young girl I would cry for no reason. I just knew I had to get it out of me, and I always felt better. Now I imagine I am curled in my Heavenly Fathers lap and I cry and tell him all about. Who better than he knows the loss of a child.
Yes He does. Heaven will be sweet! I loved seeing how God designed our tears for good.
Beverly, my son died at 30 yrs of age, 17 yrs ago, and my husband passed away July of 2018. Grief keeps coming back to me now for my son as well as my spousal loss… I so agree with your heartfelt message here… thank you for sharing.
I know I’m not alone but feel that way so often. Thank God for tears; Lisa, you have calmed my heart with this message … tears have been my friend lately and they are a huge release.
Blessings to you both,
Lois Krider
I lost my mom almost 30 years ago and her birthday is coming up soon and just for a moment this morning as I was reflecting on the service of greeting at my church I pictured her doing the same thing and realized I was following in her footsteps. That thought brought tears to my eyes and again it doesn’t matter how long its been we will always miss those we love and are gone now. Soon I will be a grandmother and also being widowed for the past 16 years I know seeing that baby for the first time I will be bawling wishing my husband could be here to see his grandchild and share in that moment. I just learn to let the tears flow and never hold back. It is indeed cleansing and its a great release.
Read this as I’m missing my Grandparents and asking Jesus to tel them how much I love them. So thankful for you and how God’s using you to comfort others. Thanks Lisa. ❤️
It is great that you are sharing your story and the tears that you have cried and that God is using those to help others who may be going thru the same thing. Thank you for allowing God to use you to help others.
My sweet husband Harley went to be with our Lord a year ago 10-19…I don’t believe there has been a day that I haven’t cried…i am so thankful he is with our Lord, but oh how I miss him. I am been so blessed with wonderful friends, church n pastor that pray for me daily. I do feel all those prayers.
After 49 fantastic years I lost the love of my life….6 months ago. I would like to believe you that life will be abundant again and there will be beauty in these ashes……I just don’t see how that can possibly happen. I had the best life with my husband and that life has radically changed in every way. How can even God make it be that happy again ?? I want to have hope but I don’t see how it can.
We lost our firstborn, only son, Jeff to suicide in March. He was living in TX and we live in FL so we only got to see him every couple of years. Last Thanksgiving he decided to come home for a few days as he and his wife were headed to divorce and just came home at my invitation. Unfortunately, his military service injury, his dedication to his first teaching position and his failing marriage led him to believe he was better off dead. My grief shuts me down some days. I have a really long commute so my windshield is the recipient of my shouting and crying. I like you wonder how some times where can another tear fall from.
We are getting ready to inter him at the local national cemetery this coming week just before his 38th birthday. While I know he could stay right there on the corner shelf my husband put up for him I know he deserves his resting at an honorable place.
The tears I know are going to be abundant this week but thank you for reassuring me also that God knows my tears and my heartache and one day it will all become joy.
Thank you for sharing your life with us who are also suffering and grieving.
God bless.
I lost my Mother In Law which basically was my mom for the last 38 years due to me loosing my mom at such a young age. So she was my mom, my best friend, we did everything together. My husband her son is a Police officer and was a very busy person, so she was there for me for so much, we even lived the next street over from her. Well, she passed away in February due to complications from a massive stroke that took her life within a months. I took care of her at home the last 5 months of her life. I cry every day since she has passed because I miss her so much, I know she is with our Lord and savior and don’t wish her back the way she was, but I just so miss her so very much, I miss her, our talks, our everyday routines we had with each other. There are those that are in my life that don’t understand why i feel this way still, I’m trying hard to get passed this, but my bond with her was so special and I just miss her.
This is such a beautiful post, Lisa. I am a crier, so at hard times in my life, I literally walk around crying. A reader on my blog just commented that she lost her son 3 months ago. I’m going to send her the link to this post.
Thanks to Betsy de Cruz for sending me this link. This post is beautiful and informative. Thank you Lisa for writing it. They say that time heals but right now the longer it is from that terrible day, those unbearable moments when we first knew the more I miss his walking in the door especially on Sunday afternoon/evening for a visit and catch up on his life and ours. After this read, I will not feel guilt or frustration from the ocean of tears that I shed several times a day nor apologize for them because now I know from a scientific perspective that they are a good thing and that from a Godly perspective they are His creation and expected because He will use them for good. Thank you so much.
Yes that is very true and real Lisa. For 4 years, 11 months and 2 days today I have shed tears every single day since my beloved husband left to rest in Jesus. I am so thankful for the God who always walked beside me through those hardest times of my life. Thanks again for lifting my spiritual component in my life.
God knows every one and has been with you through all of it. xoxo
I myself have lost precious family whom I felt passed away far too young. Seemed so unfair too me, being that it was my own Mother who died of a brain Anuerysmn @ the young age of 29 on Feb 14th, Valentine’s day of all day’s, Right? I was only 7 yrs old & remember it vividly from the night the ambulance took her away to her burial afew days later. I never saw her again. Funny thing is that I had never cried for her until i became a teenager and yearned for that “”Unconditional Love” I never received it from anyone or the Godparents who adopted me who were my Mother’s brother and wife, my Aunt and Uncle. Life would never be the same & it wasn’t. She left 5 children from the ages 1 & ahalf baby boy,my sister @ 5 yrs 6 months, I was 7, my other brother 8 & Frankie was 9 with downsyndrome. Now, how sad was that. Our Father was an alcoholic who lived in the streets of Gilroy Calif and never cared for us, he was a sick man who died that way many yrs later. Our Gracious Lord in Heaven became my Mom and Dad. Little did I realize that until much older. I’ve healed thru tears and my deep FAITH, GOD carried me all those years thru the physical and emotional abuse and I hung in there. He has “”Blessed me with an Amazing Man, 3 incredibly Amazing and loving children and 7 Grandchildren. I’m grateful and owe it all to my Lord and Savior 🙏🙏🙏❤
I’m so sorry for such deep loss, Adele. Life after loss is even sweeter, isn’t it?
I lost my husband of 46yrs on 12/24/18
Its been a hard year. I came a cross Lisa website and it’s been very helpful. I have great family and friends. And the lord still helping me though this difficult time.
I’m so sorry for your deep loss, Brenda. It’s hard any time of year, but the Christmas holiday can magnify the pain. But also brings HOPE, that Christ came to bring us eternal life. Praying for you now.
I unexpectedly lost my sister in July. We were 22 months apart and were BEST friends. She passed if a heart attack. It has been 5 months and the tears come out of nowhere. What is so strange is they don’t come from the same place normal tears come from they pour out of the sides of my eyes but the are very calming, healing… I appreciated your information and encouragement….I am always trying not to cry but now I realize it is okay.