My phone’s alarm broke the blessed bliss of sleep.
Instinctively, I reached to turn to turn it off and set it back down on the stack of papers I’d been working on the night before. I curled back up and pulled the covers tight around me.
The bliss evaporated within seconds. As I became fully awake, my heart sank. With deep silent sighs, I remembered — this is life now.
Day after painful day lay before me. I could not imagine what my future held – it looked bleak and shapeless and anchored to . . . what? The one who had helped anchor my life for 26 years, shaped the rhythm of our day, brought steadiness and laughter and fun to our home was gone. And with him, all of life as we knew it. All of life as I’d ever wanted it.
I had zero ambition to get up and meet the day. But as much as I wanted to stay cocooned in bed, the longer I lay there the more my thoughts churned with the ever-present list of things I needed to do. I needed to get kids up for breakfast. I needed to fix the mower or take it to get fixed. I needed to contact the mortgage company about a refinance. I had a list of phone calls to return from the day before.
And I had seven kids that needed a mom now more than anything. I needed to pull it together to start our homeschool, to fix dinner and actually eat it at the table together, to love them through this while still doing the daily correcting, driving, listening, teaching.
I willed my feet to the floor. Heading to the shower, with less than ten minutes logged into this day, I was already filled with defeat, despair and the unremitting hollow pain I would carry through my day.
Every day I told God that this was too hard. Every day, I started with this thought: I CANNOT DO THIS.
Helpless Dependence
We can find ourselves in circumstances that are unfixable and unbearable. Unforeseen trials, huge life changes, medical crises and shattered relationships can leave us stuck and powerless.
It goes against our nature to be in a place we can’t fix. We want to be able to handle things. But this is what God has wanted all along – complete dependence on Him. The first taste of complete dependence on God doesn’t usually happen by our choice but when our circumstances give us no other option.
Being utterly dependent on God is absolutely where God wants us.
Hudson Taylor, a dynamic missionary in China, said that God “wants you to have something far better than gold, and that is a helpless dependence on Him that He may have the privilege (the right) of supplying your needs day by day out of an unseen treasury.”
A helpless dependence.
Maybe you’re there right now? Often it’s when we feel helpless, that we see God help most. God over and over again calls Himself our helper.
- God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble. Psalm 46:1
- Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. Psalm 54:4
- Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20
- So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:6
We may hate the circumstances that brought us to helpless dependence. But if we’re here, let’s rest in the assurance that the Sovereign God of the universe who not only created every atom of our world but sustains it in breathtaking symmetry, will be our helper when we are most helpless.
Melanie Redd says
Hey Lisa,
What a great description of the Christian life – a helpless dependance! I love this!
And, what a great way to conclude, “But if we’re here, let’s rest in the assurance that the Sovereign God of the universe who not only created every atom of our world but sustains it in breathtaking symmetry, will be our helper when we are most helpless.”
Thank you for such a good word of hope on this Friday!
Your words have encouraged my heart. I pray that God will bless and encourage you today~
I came over on Grace and Truth.
Blessings,
Melanie
Lisa Appelo says
Melanie, good to see you from Grace and Truth!
Joanne Viola says
I am so sorry for your loss. “Helpless dependence”. Very powerful words. As I sat here looking at them after reading your post, I realized this > As we come to Him in helpless dependence, we depend on the One who will never leave us helpless. He surely is our help in our times of need. I am taking time to pray for you & yours this morning. Blessings!
Lisa Appelo says
Yes, so true Joanne. Thank you for your prayers. We have felt them so much over the past few years.
Lois Flowers says
Lisa, the fact that you are able to write so beautifully about this now is hugely encouraging to me. And this: “The first taste of complete dependence on God doesn’t usually happen by our choice but when our circumstances give us no other option.” Wow … those are powerful words. Blessings to you as you continue with your 31 Days project … I have a feeling you will be speaking a whole lot of truth to a whole lot of people.
Lisa Appelo says
Thank you Lois for your kind words.
Chelsea K. says
Such encouragement, Lisa! I can’t imagine how painful it’s been for you the past few years. How wonderful that you have the help and the hope of our Savior!
I love these words from Hudson Taylor:
“I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize this; for He, I know, is able to carry out His will, and His will is mine. It makes no matter where he places me, or how. That is rather for Him to consider than for me; for in the easiest position He must give me His grace, and in the most difficult His grace is sufficient. It little matters to my servant whether I send him to buy a few cash worth of things, or the most expensive articles. In either case he looks to me for the money and brings me his purchases.
So, if God should place me in serious perplexity, must He not give me much guidance; in positions of great difficulty, much grace; in circumstances of great pressure and trial, much strength? No fear that His resources will prove unequal to the emergency! And His resources are mine, for He is mine, and is with me and dwells in me.”
Lisa Appelo says
Chelsea, that is good stuff. I’ve read and re-read Hudson Taylor and passed it to others. Thank you for passing on this qoute . . . I want to write it out, post it where I can see it and really get it into my bones.
Lux says
I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better but I admire your resilience and strong faith. May you find comfort in His presence and love.
Lisa Appelo says
What a great topic Rachel!
denise says
bless you. here is day 2 http://shortybearsplace.blogspot.com/2015/10/braving-broken-day-2.html
Pam says
Lisa, you are so right! We try to be so grown-up in one way or another, thinking or trying to handle it all all the time when He reminds us so often in His Word we are to be child-like in our heart connection with Him. That always reminds me of that dependence that is not only good for me, but absolutely necessary.
My heart is touched by the sweetness of the relationship you no longer can enjoy day-by-day and meant so very much to you! May the Lord continue to be a shelter for you and a comfort to your heart, mind, and spirit each day.
Blessings, grace, and comfort be yours!
Love,
Pam
Lisa Appelo says
Yes, Pam one of the paradoxes with God… that the less we’re able, the more He is. Thank you for your encouragement!
Jennifer says
There’s something particularly powerful about the testimony of one who has experienced unspeakable heartache and who is willing to share transparently for the benefit of others. Thank you for your boldness in the midst of your brokenness, and for glorifying your Lord by telling the world how He is restoring you and proving Himself faithful. The lesson you’re sharing here is powerful, and it’s my pleasure to feature you at A Divine Encounter on Friday. Thank you for linking with us at Grace & Truth!
Lisa Appelo says
Thank you, Jennifer. Yes, all glory to God for all that He is doing. I look forward to Friday and appreciate your feature so much.
Darcy Hicks says
What a beautiful description of being dependent on God. It is so true that we always want to fix things and figure them out, but He is looking for us to just look to Him each and every moment. Thank you for your encouragement. Blessings!
Lisa Appelo says
Yes, saw it again today with a friend! Thank you, Darcy.
Whizzy says
what a word, was really inspired…
I pray that God will continually Encourage you in all you do and may He help you in positions of helplessness..
Rochelle says
I feel the same way. Each morning when I wake up, the reality of grief and loss come flooding back. I struggle to put my feet on the floor, too, to help my kids and be a mom. Without God, I would have no hope–I really am utterly dependent on Him. But with that dependence, comes a stronger, deeper relationship I wouldn’t have had otherwise.
Thank you for your honest, raw post….
Kristi Woods says
Love you, my friend, and I love that you’re spreading hope and encouragement for life’s heavy spots. I hate that death impacts on earth and that you’ve felt that impact. But I love that we have hope nestled in there among the thorns. #livefree