There are no wrong ways to grieve, they say. This is one of the grief mantras that gets widely circulated. Do a web search and you’ll find multiple hits with these exact words.
As someone who has experienced deep grief, writes about grief, walks with others in grief and studies grief in our culture, I disagree. There’s a list of what not to do when grieving.
I understand the sentiment behind the words. People do grieve differently. The way we grieve depends partly on our personality, our experience and the kind of loss we’re walking through.
Some grievers need the energy that comes with activity and community while others need long periods of solace. Some grievers find a sweaty trail run helps them work through tangled emotions while others find comfort in painting. Some grievers meet loss with a “rip the band-aid off” approach to move through their pain while others peel back the layers of loss slowly over time.
Yes, we all grieve differently. I could see that in my own family as a mom of teens, tweens, toddlers, girls and boys. The last thing we want to do when someone’s dealing with heart-wrenching sorrow is prescribe hard and fast rules about what their grief journey should look like.
But saying there are no wrong ways to grieve doesn’t follow.
Because there are for sure unhealthy choices we can make in grief.
These choices have real consequences that will only multiply the pain and prolong the healing. To claim there’s no wrong way to grieve misses the obvious and, in the end, doesn’t serve the one grieving.
Listen, grieving the loss of a child, spouse, parent, pregnancy, business, marriage, health and more is brutal. Emotions like regret, loneliness, sorrow and despair are excruciating. They’re too much to handle because we weren’t made for death or divorce, disease or devastation. It’s why we have to be even more careful about what we do with the pain.
I’ve been reluctant to write this article because I’m the girl who wants to cheer you on. I want to champion, not lecture. I may not have walked your exact path, but I get gut-wrenching loss. I’m with you and for you.
But part of writing about grief is shining light on unhealthy decisions that will stop or stunt us from moving forward well.
I’m uniquely writing this as a list only, without elaboration, because each issue is best handled with professional help.
*Please note: while there’s gospel hope for each of us in grief, this article isn’t meant to replace or act as professional help. Anyone struggling with unhealthy responses to grief physically, emotionally, or mentally is encouraged to seek help from a licensed counselor, pastor or medical professional.
What Not to Do When Grieving
1. Get stuck in bitterness.
2. Shut down all emotion to avoid future pain.
3. Escape the pain through excessive or extreme practices.
4. Fake that you’re fine.
5. Rebound into unhealthy relationship.
6. Turn to substances to anesthetize the pain.
7. Attempt to control or ease pain through disordered eating or self-harm.
8. Walk away from God.
If you are someone you love is reacting to loss one of these ways, join me in this prayer:
Father, I come to you because I cannot handle the pain of this loss on my own. I’m hurting. I know you see me and I know you care for me, even if I don’t feel it right now. Help me trust you. Give me your strength to turn to you when the pain overwhelms me. Give me your wisdom to seek outside help. Give me your comfort which you’ve promised is sufficient. And give me hope that it won’t always feel like this and that you’re walking me through this dark valley. Wrap me in your everlasting arms and carry me because this is too hard for me. Forgive me. Thank you for your grace deeper than my pain, your mercy new every morning and your faithful love greater than I could ever imagine. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
