When Valentine’s Day Hurts

I didn’t expect Valentine’s Day to be so painful. I’d made it through lots of hard holidays alone after my husband died, so I was unprepared when Valentine’s Day hurt.

I’d walked into my grocery store for a couple of ingredients needed for that night’s dinner, mindlessly unaware after our busy day that it was February 14, when the scene inside caught me short.

The store teemed with shoppers picking up their last-minute Valentine’s gift.

Even as I walked into the store, men in dress shirts and ties from a day at the office were walking out with bouquets and balloons. The store was awash with pink and red and getting to my needed ingredients meant passing through stands of flowers, tables stacked with Valentine’s Day cupcakes and cookie cakes, and bins filled with assorted boxed chocolates.

I took a short cut to the back of the store through the card aisle of all places, a poor choice if you want to avoid Valentine’s Day hurt.

The aisle was crowded with mostly men, sorting through the rows of pink and red for that perfect card.

By this time, the grief I’d so painfully processed through after my husband’s sudden death a few years earlier was now fully triggered and the gaping hole of what and who I missed bubbled to the top.

I’d gotten used to single mom life. The raw pain from becoming a sudden young widow had softened along with the scary unfamiliarity of doing things alone.

I’d grown accustomed to taking up one small edge of my California king bed, going solo to parties and events and even going to movies by myself. I no longer flinched at the term single mom.

And I’d begun to dream new dreams and tackle a reviving wish list. Life was beginning to feel good again.

But running headfirst into the world of all things Valentine, love and couples messed with me and I left the grocery store engulfed in a fresh wave of loss.

Being one in a world of two is hard.

Valentine’s Day can feel like rubbing salt in a wounded heart when—
you’re single and the wait stretches far past your hoped-for timeline;
you’re divorced and part of an unexpected club you never wanted;
you’re widowed and miss your beloved and being so loved;
you’re married but struggling to keep a fractured life together.

Valentine’s Day hurts when you’re alone in a world made for couples.

Thing is, I don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day pining for what I don’t have nor do I want to be caught off guard again by the thriving Valentine marketplace. So this year, I have a battle plan.

I’m sharing 6 ways to manage when Valentine’s Day hurts.

When Valentine’s Day Hurts

1.Use your grief to pray for others.

Though it may feel like everyone else is in a relationship, many others are hurting on this day as well. You may have a neighbor who’s a recent widow or a friend who’s dealing with a difficult marriage. Our own pain and loneliness are healthy reminders to pray for others who may also be grieving on Valentine’s Day. Text them a scripture about God’s love, let them know you’re praying for them, and remind them they are seen and loved.

2. Celebrate the love you DO have.

Use the month of February or Valentine’s Day to show family and friends some love. We often think the people in our life know we love them, but this is a great time to tell them. Post notes for your kids around the house. Send your parents a note of blessing for who they are and how they have shown up for you. This year, I’m finally carving out a Friday night to invite friends over for a Galentines gathering. We’ll enjoy Valentine’s goodies, one friend is giving a devotional, and we’re going to bring a gift to bless a local ministry. Instead of getting caught up in a relationship we don’t have, we can nourish the ones we do.

3. Treat yourself!

This is another proactive way to turn around what can be a hard day. Buy a sunny bouquet for yourself to brighten your kitchen or bedroom. Indulge in a relaxing pedicure or treat yourself to a movie with that full bucket of popcorn and Diet Coke®. Go to the movies alone (slowly becoming new favorite for me). Do something for you to lift your spirits–whether it’s a long hike or reading in the coffee shop. Just writing this is inspiring me to make plans!

4. Stay clear of triggers.

Be aware of what sends your emotions spiraling into a funk. It might be certain songs, a restaurant filled with couples, or a grocery store teeming with men shopping for their Valentine. When we know our triggers, we can avoid them and choose instead some of the positive steps listed here.

5. Use your grief to serve others.

Serving others moves our gaze off our own circumstance and pain and onto someone else who needs uplifting. Years ago, my children and I decorated handkerchiefs and gave them to residents at a nearby nursing home. Surprise a friend, neighbor, or homebound church member who needs loved on. Giving away joy is contagious and one of the best ways to fill a lonely or hurting heart. Proverbs 11:25 promises that when we refresh others, we will be refreshed ourselves.

6. Give your pain to God.

Pain, given and entrusted to God, has great purpose. God will not waste it! Let Him reshape your wounded heart. Let Him be your comfort and fill the emptiness. Let Him chisel out idols of entitlement. Let him satisfy your longings. Let Him deepen your faith in the wilderness and wait. And choose to praise God not after, but right through the pain.