When life falls apart in unexpected loss, the myth that we’re in control comes crashing down along with so much else. Part of navigating loss is learning what we can and can’t control in grief.
Loss brings massive change. When we’re walking through the death of someone we love, an unwanted divorce, a diagnosis, or other major loss, the familiar disappears. The people, routines, plans and expectations we counted on are gone. Never have I felt so untethered as I have in trying to put life back together after loss.
When we realize we can’t control everything, we begin to wonder if we can control anything. But believing we’re simply a victim of circumstances, emotions, diagnoses or other people’s choices, can leave us reactionary and keep us from proactively moving forward.
The opposite can also happen. Unexpected suffering can make us grab control wherever we can to try and keep life from turning on a dime again and prevent any future pain.
In my own grief, I’ve had to check myself from either reaction. On one hand, my bucket list had imploded and it seemed useless to make long-range plans or dream new dreams. But I also clamped down on control and began parenting out of fear, as if I could keep life safe.
The truth about control is found in scripture, which gives us two truths that become guardrails for us as we walk through grief.
First, while we may not have control over everything, we are loved by a God who does. God is sovereign over all things.
Nothing happens to us, or our children, but that it first passes through the hand of God. God isn’t watching remotely, letting things randomly happen to us and around us. He’s in control, even when events appear random: “We may throw the dice, but the LORD determines how they fall.” (Proverbs 16:33, NLT)
God is sovereign even over unexpected suffering. We see that in the life of Joseph, who was sold into slavery by his brothers, taken to Egypt, falsely accused after serving faithfully, imprisoned and seemingly forgotten. But God was in control over all of it: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” (Genesis 50:20, NLT)
We aren’t like a pinball launched into a world where we randomly ping from one bell to the next until we give out and the game is over. God is sovereign over our life and orders our ways with intention and purpose.
Second, while we can’t control everything, God gives us control over some things.
God has made us stewards over creation, our families and our spiritual gifts. He gives us not only free will to make choices but wisdom to choose well.
As we walk through suffering, it’s helpful to see what we can and can’t control. Let’s take a look at both.
What We Can’t Control in Grief
Massive change
Loss brings massive change to our relationships, finances, identity, daily rhythms, and more. These are often the natural fallout of loss of any kind. It’s also why we keep “bumping into” grief as we encounter one more way life has changed.
Our emotions
Loss ushers in a messy mix of emotions like sadness, loneliness, regret, anger, despair and more. They’re typically called negative emotions, but I prefer calling them hard emotions. These emotions are signs of life gone wrong, not that we’re grieving wrong.
The intensity of our emotions
Just as we can’t control what or when our emotions come, we can’t control their intensity. I’d never tasted despair until I walked through the sudden loss of my husband. I carried a physical pain of anguish through the day and a deep ache of loneliness each night that was unbearable but for the grace of God.
Loss of identity
Loss of identity is one of the secondary losses in grief. It may be loss of a role like wife, mother, or child. It may be a job or position. Or it may be the vibrant, energetic person we were before loss. Along with loss of identity come unwanted new titles: Widow. Single parent. Orphan. Divorcee. Infertile. Patient.
The time it takes to grieve
We can’t rush grief. Grief takes as long as it takes. I naively thought if I could just make it through all the firsts, I’d be okay by the second year. But in many ways, grief felt was worse that second year. Even after grief softens, it can rear up at milestones or on tender days.
How family or friends respond
My family and friends were honestly amazing. I learned from them how to walk with someone in suffering. But I’ve heard from so many others whose family or friends not only didn’t show up for them but were downright hurtful. I’m so sorry if is one more grief on top of your loss.
The outcome
We can’t control every outcome. God will fulfill his promises but he’s not obligated to meet every longing. God didn’t heal my husband, but he has answered my cries for mercy over and over again as he’s walked us through grief.
What We Can Control in Grief
Massive changes we make
Decision-making is difficult in the fog of grief, so it’s best to keep from making major changes in the first year after loss. Waiting until the second year to give away clothes or move from a beloved home can help you navigate one less major change in grief.
Our response to emotions
We can’t choose our emotions, but we can choose whether we avoid them, mask them, or process them. We can choose whether we numb the pain through unhealthy choices or enter the pain so we can move through it. How we respond to suffering will have more impact on our life than the suffering itself.
Making space for grief
Grief takes enormous physical, emotional, mental and spiritual space. Making space to grieve means allowing the tears, the questions, and the lament. It may mean saying no to volunteer work or outside commitments because we don’t have the energy in this season.
Expectations
When we’re navigating excruciating waves of grief, we need to set aside expectations of how long it should take or how much we should be doing. We can let ourselves off the hook of keeping life just like it was before loss. It won’t always hurt so or consume so much of our time and energy, but while it does, we need to take grace for this season.
Comparison
We can’t compare our loss to someone else’s loss or the way we grieve to the way others grieve. Some will find comfort in activity and community as they navigate loss. Some will find comfort in time alone or coffee with one friend. Some will express their emotions openly while others will grieve privately. Healthy grief doesn’t look the same for everyone.
Our thoughts
Sudden loss ushers in all manner of fear, worry, regret and more. My mind was on overdrive and I felt paralyzed to move forward or make decisions. I had to learn to take my thoughts captive to the truth of Christ.
Anchoring in God’s Word
When our circumstances are whispering lies, staying in God’s Word is key to staying anchored to truth. Find a daily rhythm through a Bible reading plan, Bible study or devotional that will keep you daily in scripture. God’s word reminds us of God’s character and his promises so that we can battle through the waves of grief that would otherwise sink us.
Choosing gratitude
When life feels bad, we desperately need to see God’s goodness is for us. Cultivating daily gratitude is way more than keeping a list (though that’s a great start!). Choosing gratitude is asking God to help us see and capture his goodness for us and around us. It’s an absolute game changer and one of the best ways to proactively take steps forward in suffering. This free gratitude Bible reading plan can get you started.
Getting Enough Rest
Grief fatigue is real. You’re not alone if you’re exhausted in loss. Grieving depletes us physically as well as emotionally, spiritually and mentally and getting enough rest is crucial. But rest is more than sleep. Here are seven ways we need to rest as we grieve.
Finding community
God doesn’t intend for us to go through suffering alone. Learning to receive help from others in grief is tough, but it’s an incredible blessing for both giver and receiver. It builds strong community and deep friendship. Part of God’s promised comfort comes through the hands and hearts of our church, friends and family. Finding others walking through grief helps us see we’re not alone.
Knowing what we can and can’t control in grief frees us to navigate loss in a healthy way. It helps us surrender what we can’t control to God while taking intentional steps to move forward where God has given us control.
I’m so glad you pointed out that everyone grieves differently. I always feel as if I’m not doing it correctly. That I’m not doing “textbook ” grieving.
We do grieve differently and we can wonder whether we’re doing it “right.”
This is so encouraging, and though I personally may not be going through grief at the moment, but I know God’s faithfulness is always abounding.
Most importantly, knowing what we can control and leaving what we can’t to God as we trust the process is a key milestone.
Blessings and encouragement to everyone.
Hi Lisa, my husband had gone Home to be with Lord Jesus, on 7 February 2024. He had colon cancer stage 4 metastasized to his liver and lung. I am learning to cope with the grief of not to have my beloved husbands of 43 years around. please, pray for me and give me tips how to go through this difficult grieving time. Thank you.
I’m so sorry. That is such deep grief. You’ll find many posts on the site about processing your hard emotions, navigating milestones, holidays and hard days, and steps we can take to move forward in devastating loss. My book has my best encouragement for you as you grieve with hope. Life Can Be Good Again: Putting Your World Back Together After It All Falls Apart (available at all book retailers).
I’m so sorry for this deep loss and such fresh grief. I’m praying for you now, for whatever this day holds for you.
Yes, it for sure helps us surrender and trust God.