Knowing what to say to someone who’s grieving is difficult. We can’t fix their pain, but there we are trying to say something – anything — that will help them feel better.
I’ve inserted my foot in my mouth more than once in those moments and wished I could take back words as soon as I’d said them. Conversations around grief are awkward. We are a culture that teaches how to celebrate wins, but not so much how to mourn losses.
Most of us want to say the right thing, we just don’t know what the right thing is.
But the power of life and death is in the tongue.1 Isn’t it amazing how long we remember the sting of careless words, even when they weren’t meant to hurt?
Conversely, the right words are balm to a broken heart. They fall gently on a wounded heart, like fresh dew on withered grass.
The best words are simple and sincere. Let’s look at what to say to someone who’s grieving.
7 Things to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving
1.I’m so sorry. I know this hurts.
Honest and straightforward, these words said with gentle kindness acknowledge the person’s deep loss and pain. We can let ourselves off the hook of having to find the magic words to make it all go away or conjuring up something eloquent. Simple and heartfelt empathy tops the list of what to say to someone who’s grieving.
We can also let ourselves off the hook of figuring out whether the pain is big enough or valid enough. It doesn’t matter whether the miscarriage happened in the 4th week or 34th week – both are losses and both hurt. It doesn’t matter whether the friend is suffering because her husband died or just walked out the door – both are deaths and both are deeply painful.
We are called to sympathize with each other, to be compassionate and to love each other.2
We don’t have to fully understand someone’s pain, to recognize it.
2. I love you.
Maybe this is a Southern thing, but I was surprised how kind these words felt when life imploded. Of course, they must be sincere and we need a close enough relationship to be able to mean them. One thing the sudden death of my husband has taught me – never miss a chance to say I love you.
We can say it to family but also to friends. Brotherly love – what the Bible calls philia – is a beautiful, God-given gift. Jonathan and David had this relationship. They loved each other with a fierce brotherly love.3 The Ephesian believers loved Paul, weeping at their last parting with him, knowing the pain Paul would face in Rome.4 Jesus loved Mary and Martha and wept over their brokenness at Lazarus’ death.5
“I love you. I’m so sorry for this pain” is fitting for deep friendships and family. If I love you doesn’t fit the friendship, try, “I cared for {insert name} so much. He was a great guy.”
3. How can I pray for you?
Prayer isn’t what we turn to because we can’t do anything else. Prayer is our first priority. Incredibly, God invites us to join him to accomplish his work through prayer. Only heaven will reveal all the kingdom work done, the struggles overcome, the obstacles moved and the grief carried because someone prayed. We can be that one.
I could feel people praying for us when my world fell apart — maybe because so many were praying or because my pain made me so spiritually aware. We know prayer works because God says “the urgent request of a righteous person is very powerful in its effect.” (James 5:16, HCSB)
When people asked me how they could pray, I gave them one specific need. The name of one of my children, a challenge I was dealing with, an unknown that lay ahead. It was not only a relief to know someone was covering that need, but I could see the power of those prayers as God gave me wisdom at just the right moment or insight into a particular problem or words that were not my own for one particular child.
4. Say the name.
People often think saying the name of the one who died will make things worse. Let me guarantee you, saying the person’s name won’t remind them suddenly of their loss. They feel that deep pain and missing 24/7. That name – whether it’s the name of a child, husband, wife, mother, father or friend – means the world to them because the person means the world to them.
Saying the name honors their loved one. Hearing the name brings a rush of good memories and good emotions sorely needed in the hard days of grief. Saying the name means their loved one matters and their life mattered. Saying the name breaks down stiff walls to enter the intimacy of their loss.
5. Here’s my favorite memory of your loved one.
I loved hearing stories and memories from others about Dan. I knew him as husband and I’d seen him as dad, but others knew him as the friend growing up, the colleague at work, the coach at flag football, the brother-in-law, the Sunday school teacher, the avid outdoorsmen and more. Every story was a treasure, a gift unearthed we couldn’t have found on our own.
Listening to those stories and memories brought a smile. Sometimes I’d laugh or shake my head with a knowing grin. There were tears, too. People we never met wrote cards and letters sharing a memory which I read to the kids and then tucked away to read later. I bottled each memory, as one more way our beloved had impacted the world around him.
6. I’m here for you.
Grief is isolating. Even in a roomful of people, it’s easy to feel alone. Sure, people show up for a few days, but then life moves on and most people move on. Telling someone that you are here for them and will be here for them helps them know they don’t face this unexpected season alone.
How can we show up well long after the initial loss? First, remember you don’t have to do everything to do something. Second, follow God’s prompting. It may be to show up on a Saturday with rakes or show up with dinner, but let God lead in ways to meet need. Finally, know that a small kindness is a big deal. A text with a special verse, a card on an important day, or coffee out to talk are all small things that go a long way toward helping someone who’s grieving.
7. Say nothing. Just listen.
We don’t have to say words to send a message.
We can tell someone how much we care by showing up and by listening. When someone has suffered a deep loss – the death of a parent, a miscarriage, or a marriage that’s imploded — they have a head and heart full of emotions, thoughts and fears that need to be processed. Grief comes with overwhelming decisions to be made and changes to be traversed.
A listening ear is a gift in the weeks and months after loss. Coffee or a phone call are ways to let our hurting friend unpack some of what she’s dealing with. Talking it out lifts the weight she carries and often lets her clarify struggles or decisions needing to be made. Asking, “How are you doing. Really?” and then giving a space for the answer helps our friend navigate her grief and that day’s worries.
The good news is that we don’t have to produce the perfect words. God has those. And it’s his work to bind up the wounds and heal the brokenhearted.
We can simply come alongside and let our few words be a warm hug in the hard days.
1.Proverbs 18:21, NIV
2.1 Peter 3:8, NIV
3. 1 Samuel 18:1-4; 20:41; 2 Samuel 1:26, NIV
4. Acts 20:36-38, NIV
5. John 11:35, NIV
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