What Doesn’t Kill You Doesn’t Make You Stronger

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but that’s not the whole truth. Because what doesn’t kill you can make you bitter. What doesn’t kill you can leave you numb. And what doesn’t kill you can lead you to make bad decisions with even worse consequences.

What doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger in and of itself. 

I became a single mom a few years ago, when on an ordinary June evening, I went to bed happily married and woke up a widow. I was suddenly single parenting seven children, facing overwhelming change and navigating deep pain while shepherding my children through theirs. 

Becoming a widow and single mom didn’t magically make me stronger. Dealing with a hurricane on my own, figuring out finances and learning how to fix the pool pump were all difficult, but they did not automatically build fortitude.

Because circumstances alone cannot make us stronger. Our circumstances are value neutral.

It’s what we do in our circumstances that either makes us stronger or leaves us more vulnerable than before.

Every single day we have choices which will build us up or bring us down. In the first months after my husband died, one of the hardest choices was simply to get out of bed. Each morning I’d coach myself: Your kids have already lost one parent and they cannot lose another. With all the resolve I could muster and breathing a prayer for help, I’d put feet to the floor. I didn’t feel strong and I couldn’t tell at the time that this small step was building resilience.

In fact, that choice alone did not make me strong. The next choices were equally as important. I needed to engage with my four- and six-year-olds, grow a strong spine for my tween and teen boys, listen late at night when my 17-year-old needed to talk and help my college son through big decisions.

It was a series of choices over the next months and then years that not only helped me walk through unexpected difficulty, but to become stronger for it.

If the circumstances don’t change us, then what does? Here are 5 choices we can make to grow stronger when we’re facing difficulty:

1.Rely on God’s strength. This is by far the secret to any strength we develop. Ever have someone comment on how strong you look, when you know how weak you really are? When we’re in a season of difficulty, we know our own limits– how often we hit a wall or felt weak-in-the-knees facing yet another challenge. But coming to the end of our strength allows us to see God’s. God has given me wisdom, practical help and sustaining grace every time I’ve asked. Ultimately, any strength I’ve gained or shown is God working through this mama who desperately needs it.

2. Choose gratitude. Choosing gratitude in difficulty guards our hearts against bitterness. God calls us to be thankful in all circumstances (1 Thess. 5:18), not because He needs it, but because we do. Gratitude opens our eyes to simple gifts, to God’s hand in us and around us and to the abundance even in circumstances we wouldn’t choose. Gratitude strengthens us because it shifts our perspective.

3. Fight for joy. When your heart’s been broken through loss or betrayal, or you’re navigating a diagnosis or difficulty you never saw coming, it’s easy to go numb. In an attempt to survive, we can put up walls to guard against more hurt. After my husband died, a friend told me in her experience, such deep loss meant I’d never feel the heights of happiness I once had, but I’d also never feel the depths of pain. I’d learn to guard my heart, and the cost of never feeling that kind of deep pain again would mean never feeling great joy again. 

Even as she said it, I began fighting it. Guarding my heart like that is too costly. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life stuck in indifference. I want to feel the exuberant warmth of a genuine smile and deep laughter bubbling up from a joy-filled heart. Fighting for joy cultivates resilience.

4. Do it scared. Finding strength sometimes means doing it afraid. For years, I wanted to take my children to the Grand Canyon, but as a single mom I felt vulnerable and a cross country road trip felt too big. Twice I planned the trip and twice I found reasons to cancel it.

Finally, I decided to do it afraid. I rented a car, packed up my kids, and started the trip. It wasn’t just a victory over that particular fear (which seems silly as I look back on it now!) but a catalyst that helped me tackle other new things. One brave step inspires us to take more brave steps.

5. Let others help. As much as we need help in difficult seasons, it’s hard to let go of our pride and let others see that need. But to be truly strong means knowing when to ask for help. It means in humility (not humiliation) letting others help us.

Asking for help may mean putting out a plea on social media or texting good friends. If someone asked for help, wouldn’t you be willing to step in and do it? Our friends and family usually want to help us as well and just need specifics on how best to give that help. 

What doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger in and of itself. 

Your strength and fortitude will be shaped not by your circumstance, but the choices you make in your circumstance.