I turned the mini-van into our neighborhood, so ready to be done with the afternoon of errands. My younger two in the backseat needed some down time to free range after our full school morning and I was itching to get to my laptop for a slew of writing tasks.
I would have a delightful window of time to work on my stuff before we loaded back up to meet my 17-year-old after football practice.
I pulled into our driveway and turned the van off. Just as I was about to give some instructions for the afternoon, my cell phone buzzed. It was my 17-year-old.
“Hey,” I answered, trying to smooth over any tone that I already felt interrupted.
“Hey, Mom. I forgot my cleats. Can you bring them to school?”
Ok – let me freeze right here.
I know the consensus among so-called experts would advise a parent in this situation to just say no. Parents should not rescue, they say. Let the child experience natural consequences and solve the problem without stepping in.
Believe me when I say my own agenda was also screaming no. Turning around to help him now would mean another 45 minutes at least before we’d be back home.
But I didn’t hesitate on this one.
“Sure. I’ll bring them to the field,” I said backing down the driveway for another round trip to his school.
There have been plenty of times that I’ve knotted up with frustration or launched into a lecture or let the consequences teach but I’ve also learned that sometimes you step in to help because — this is what a mom does.
Maybe the experts would cringe at that. Maybe they’d say I’m rewarding irresponsibility or crippling my child’s ability to figure it out.
But if I’ve learned anything in this parenting it’s that rules without mercy wind me up way too tight. We all need grace.
Some situations call for a bright-line rule.
Sometimes I need to call the child downstairs to put away shoes left in the living room.
Sometimes I need to call the child and review the rule on where to put our shoes.
Sometimes I need to hold the shoes until the child can pay their ransom.
But strict rules enforced with absolute consistency make me feel more like a master sergeant than a mom – and they don’t account for real life.
Because departures can get busy and time gets miscalculated and tasks get forgotten. And in those situations – if it’s not chronic irresponsibility – then maybe what’s most needed is not to tow the hard line but to offer grace.
Sometimes I just need to quietly put away the shoes because that’s what a mom does.
Or clean up their late night snack.
Or help them with an 11th-hour deadline.
When I reassure myself that this is part of a mom’s territory, my expectations adjust and my feelings follow. The irritation that usually rises and the sense that I’m being put out unwinds.
Grace just releases all of us.
I got an urgent call yesterday from an installer who was ready to start work on our out-of-town rental. He had special-ordered material and his worker was all scheduled to start installation except for one hang-up: he hadn’t yet received my deposit.
Because I’d forgotten to send the deposit.
The invoice had become buried under other papers in my stack and now I had two choices: I could press pause on my entire morning, load kids up in the car and drive the hour and a half to give him a check or I could call my son who lives in the same town to help.
I sent a text to my son: “Can you take a check to the house for me this morning?”
He didn’t hesitate. “Sure!”
There was no lecture. No irritation. No I’m-not-going-to-step-in-so-the-consequences-can-teach.
He extended grace when I needed it.
That’s what a family does.
Absolutely beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Thank you, friend.
Thank you for this, Lisa. I absolutely love what you’ve written here. I have a long way to go, but I’m learning to practice this kind of grace extending too for exactly the same reason: It’s what a mom does. 🙂
Lois, when I recite that to myself, it settles so many emotions that threaten to flare.
LOVE LOVE LOVE this…affirms what I thought maybe was a bad thing I did sometimes as a parent was really a graceful thing! Recipients of grace and mercy give grace and mercy!
So true.
“Yes” to all you’ve shared in this post, Lisa! Grace and relationship and connection trump “the letter of the law” especially in family. Your actions speak such love.
Not long ago, my husband made a huge Korean-meal lunch for a team of Asian-American summer interns at Cru headquarters. The boys and I dropped him off at work because I needed our van for a doctor’s appointment for our younger son. The moment we pulled into the parking lot, Mike told me he forgot the lettuce for the meal. So we went to Publix near his office, bought more lettuce, and then dropped it back off. Because in that situation, I would absolutely want somebody to “have my back,” too. Thanks for your example!
Right? I love that, Allison. It’s a line for sure with our kids to teach responsibility but offer grace when needed.
There is a time to say “be responsible” and a time to take the cleats back to school. There is always room for grace. “And He has qualified us as ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.” 2 Corinthians 3:6 Thanking God for all the times He has rescued me. Thanking you too Lisa.
Yes and amen.
My first knee-jerk reaction to your scenario was “Absolutely not! He’s 17 years old! I was on my own at 17!” Then I continued reading, and you’re absolutely right. Especially in light of the fact that your kids have lost their Dad. We lost our Dad, too, and there were lots of adults out there who thought (or said) “It’s been long enough. You should be “over it.” But, you’re never “over it” – extra grace is needed in grief. Especially in light of how many EXTRA responsibilities are loaded onto grieving children (which is why I was on my own at 17!) Great job being a great Mom : )
Anna, that’ another factor as well.. probably not in play in forgotten cleats but definitely in play in some other circumstances. I don’t think kids growing up ever get *over it.* They grow *into it* and realize more the depth of the loss. I’m so sorry for your loss, Anna. Thank you so much for your insight.
Just what I needed to read today, Lisa. Thank you for letting us know it’s OK to extend grace, and in doing so we are also teaching our kids to extend grace. Awesome!
Thank you for sharing, Kristine. I can only imagine the days I need grace!
Sweet, sweet encouragement. Yes, we all need a little grace. xo
That is so true! I have found that myself. There are times to drop the hammer and there are other times for grace. It’s a good balance and we’ve learned to live as a family and not a parental dictatorship. It’s a good thing! Thanks for these encouraging words! (Stopping by as your neighbor from #Intentional Tuesday) Great to read your words today!
Hi Lisa! This post speaks to my “this is what a mom does heart.” Thanks for your transparency and your insight: “…rules without mercy wind me up way too tight. We all need grace.” I love that. Thanks for sharing!
LOVE this! I SO agree… the Christian mom has just as much responsibility to model grace as she does discipline. I was accused of “coddling” my children because I was a stay-at-home-mom who chose to put my family first–no regrets even now that I have four grown children and nine grandchildren, and they will always know that Nana loves to take care of them!