For most of my life, when I sat down to read my Bible or do some Bible study, this is what it looked like:
God’s Word: verse, verse, verse. . .
Me: Man, this is good stuff. {Name of child} could really use this. Oh Lord, please help {said child} to really know this.
God’s Word: verse, verse, verse. . .
Me: Yes! That is exactly what I was just talking to {insert friends’ name} about! Wonder if she’s seen this? This would be good for her. Maybe I’ll text it.
God’s Word: verse, verse, verse . . .
Me: Wow, I so see {dear family member} in that verse. It’s like this verse was made for {family member}.
Yeah, I know. You’re either horrified at this or grateful that you’re not the only one who does this.
Now, I can honestly say that most of the time, when I was doing my Bible study, I knew I needed it and I made plenty of personal application. But there was also this persistent, quiet dialogue that played in the background of my thoughts.
I didn’t mean to think these things. I didn’t even realize what background noise they were until one day they were no longer there.
Because all this self-talk completely stopped after Dan died. I was so broken. I needed every bit of God’s Word. My time in God’s Word was like oxygen for me. I needed life, I needed hope and I couldn’t afford to miss anything God had to say to me.
Every single verse applied to me.
It didn’t matter if I was reading in Leviticus or 1 John. Every single verse applied to me and I needed it so desperately that I couldn’t spare applying it to others.
And I was surprised at something else. I was noticeably aware of my sin.
Never in a condemning way. I never felt condemnation or shame or guilt and I never doubted I was forgiven. But I was at once more fully aware of my unrighteousness and more fully aware of God’s love than I had ever been.
“As long as I’m broken open, Lord, you might as well clean me out,” became my new prayer.
It’s not that our suffering was the consequence of a specific sin. That can happen but I knew that our heartbreak was because we live in a fallen world — a world of disease and car accidents and bodies that will perish.
So I wasn’t mourning a specific sin. I was grieving my sinfulness. I think that in my brokenness, as God’s presence absolutely cloaked me, God’s holiness illumined my sinfulness more clearly perhaps than I’d ever seen it.
As painful as suffering is, there is unexpected good in it. Lessons we would never know, insight we would never have unless we have gone to the place of helpless dependence before God. And in brokenness, we are ripe to learn with stunning clarity.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7
The Refining of brokenness. Suffering brings to the surface our own impurity and — if we allow it – God can do His work to remove it.
I remember words that echoed this truth from a friend who had gone through a painful divorce she never wanted.
“I would never wish this on anyone,” she said one day. “But I would never want to be the person I was before.”
In unwelcome and painful circumstances, she was allowing the sacred work of God’s refining. It was beautiful to watch. She was becoming more like Christ before my eyes as she let go of some things, held others loosely and trusted God for her family and her future.
This is part of the paradox of suffering. We would never ask for it; never wish it on anyone else. There is not a day that I don’t miss Dan terribly, feel the gaping hole in our lives and wish that he was here for my children and with me.
But I would not want to be the person I was before.
I no longer hear the dialogue to apply this or that verse to anyone else. I need it. I am broken open and I want God to clean out every selfish motive, every unkind judgment, every goal inconsistent with His agenda for me. I have such a long way to go. But my hope is that one day I will be able to rejoice at all the good God will bring out of suffering.
This post is Day 23 of 31 Days: Braving the Broken. You can find the complete series here.
Excellent post. Two powerful lines. Wow.
“As painful as suffering is, there is unexpected good in it. ”
“Every single verse applied to me and I needed it so desperately that I couldn’t spare applying it to others.”
There truly is an unexplainable beautiful refinement in suffering that allows us the privilege of knowing Him more.
It’s my first time posting in your blog. Today is a special day because you are talking about divorce stage. During my divorce process (5 years ago on December) I learned that GOD is talking to my and shaping me while I’m studying his word. I smiled and is so good to know and now I can say: “Every single verse applied to me and I needed it so desperately that I couldn’t spare applying it to others.” I walked into all the stages of grieving as JOB did. Now I can tell you that I’m enjoying all this process because I know whom I was and I have a glimpse of who I’ am… to God’s glory!!! Amen. Shalom!
Yasmin, what a great testimony. I’m agreeing with your amen and your to God’s glory.
There is, Rhonda. Such a paradox.
Oh my, yes…this is totally me! I was always looking for verses for others to encourage them (not a bad thing), but I realize now that I need it to…some days, desperately.
Glad I’m not alone in this Miriam!
Wonderful post!, I have found value in all of them but this one was special.
Thank you, Laura.
I keep verses that speak to my heart and my personal needs and get up lifted and renewed whenever I read or repeat silently to myself. Recently my youngest daughter has been struggling, alone without God’s word. So I send verses to her that speak to me as words she needs to hear and remember. To shelter in Christ to take her sorrows to him and trust he will answer when it is time. Does this mean I should not share verses that speak to me? She’s never said “thanks mom I needed to hear that right now” so should I just hold her up in prayer and not send verses. She’s going thru a painful divorce.
Hi Beth, I’ve had people text me with verses many times and every single time it ministers to me. It was about my heart — before I wasn’t as needy and I had that small voice that would go to others as I read a verse, rather than look to see how I needed to change my heart. After Dan died, I was terribly needy and Bible study became about changing my heart. We should encourage one other with scripture and as a mom, that’s a wonderful thing to pass along verses that have ministered to you.
Thank you very much for the post ! I’m divorced, that I didn’t want, and I can say as your friend : “I would never wish this on anyone, But I would never want to be the person I was before.”
Blessings !
That is a sacrifice of praise Pirjo. God bless you as you look to God to meet all of your needs.
“But I would not want to be the person I was before. ” Wow, Lisa. Those are some powerful words, given your story and everything you’ve lost. Powerful, and incredibly encouraging. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you, Lois.
I’ve been in that place too, Lisa. Of reading the Word and applying it to everyone ELSE’s life! I still do that sometimes. I often send scripture verses to encourage others, but more than ever, as I continue growing, I read it as a personal word to ME. I want to have open ears to what God’s saying to ME! May the Lord bless you during the last days of October, friend.
This hard truth is excellent. Thank you for sharing this on the Art of Home-Making Mondays Lisa!