It was by all accounts an idyllic day.
The sky arching over the ocean was clear cerulean blue after a week of heavy clouds and drenching afternoon downpours. Low tide provided a wide expanse of sand with warm pools edging the sandbars which stalled the tumbling shore breaks.
My two high school boys, backs turned to the sun, had fallen asleep on their towels after a morning deep-sea fishing and I sat in the shade of a large umbrella, alternately keeping tabs on the younger two in the water and the book downloaded to my phone.
Glancing up, I watched my youngest son carry a surf board up from the water. His dad’s surfboard. How many days had I watched his dad walking up this same beach, carrying that same board after a long surf session?
I lingered over this long-legged boy coming up the beach. He’ll be 13 next month. A coming of age without his dad.
Familiar regret colored my thoughts. His dad should have been here. He should have been here to teach him how to surf, to give pointers on throwing the perfect cast net, to help him move from boy to man.
This is not the good life I wanted for you, my heart grieved.
And even as those words ached across my soul, I realized this too was something I needed to surrender.
I needed to let go of the life I wanted for my children and the life I’d planned for them.
Surrendering our children to God includes surrendering our children’s entitled life.
It means trusting God not only with their safety, their decisions, their future but also with the kind of life I think they should have.
The twists and tumult of life can leave us moms with regret:
Regret that we didn’t stay home with our kids.
Regret that we couldn’t afford the piano lessons or the national park vacation or the better school.
Regret that cancer stole so much time.
Regret that a move uprooted them from friends.
Regret that depression kept us from our mothering best.
Regret that another sibling required so much more of us.
At some point, we all have to surrender to God not only our children, but the life we want for our children.
“I’ll take a happy marriage, seven healthy kids and a rambling home on five acres, please.” We put in our order and try our best to arrange life as perfectly as that newborn nursery.
Where we haven’t surrendered is always the place we’ve set up on idol and boy can moms set up a roomful of polished idols “in the best interest” of our children. God’s call for me to surrender everything brings me face first with my idols – idols of comfort, of entitlement and life without suffering.
Yes, I want the best for my children, but so often that best is simply veneered over a shiny idol of the life I think my kids are entitled to.
Surrendering the good life that we’d planned for our kids means trusting God with the life He’s given.
Maybe you think God has given you a stone. But if we would pick it up and see it for what it is, we would see that He has actually given bread. God cannot give stones.
Surrendering our children’s entitled life doesn’t mean giving up on a good life for our kids. It means allowing God to define what their good will be.
It is God’s mercy that He doesn’t leave us to our idyllic life.
It is God’s mercy that He doesn’t leave us to our idol-making life.
When I surrender the life I want for my children, I let go of my ideals, my agenda, my plans and how we were going to get there. Instead, I trust that God’s plans are not just better, but BEST. I acknowledge that He’s carved the plans for my children with His immeasurable love. And that what looks so imperfect to me, is held in the perfection of God.
Wow, Lisa. Thank you so much for this! As we are trying to faithfully parent our last teenager, we are feeling inadequate in many ways. Your post reminded me that worry does nothing to solve our problems, and that “white-knuckling” our son’s well being is a lack of faith that God is sovereign.
Blessed to read your words today,
Jennifer
I know God lead me to your post today. One of the hardest things about losing my husband is knowing how much my daughters have lost. I appreciate you sharing and reminding me of truth I needed to hear today.
God Bless You and your family,
Cindy
Beautiful Thank you!
“Maybe you think God has given you a stone. But if we would pick it up and see it for what it is, we would see that He has actually given bread. God cannot give stones.”
“It is God’s mercy that He doesn’t leave us to our idyllic life.
It is God’s mercy that He doesn’t leave us to our idol-making life.”
Thanks for these words today, Lisa. I needed to be reminded of their truth, not only in the context of parenting, but in so many aspects of widowhood. This spoke to my heart.
Mary
Ok, Lisa, you may have gone from “preachin to meddlin”.. jk.. so true, even with grandkids..sigh… I felt a deep sigh when you described your son and surfing and that his Dad wasn’t there to help him negotiate the journey to manhood.. I didn’t see Dan often at the workplace, but that gentle giant of a guy had so much fun with his boys, and girls:). I can’t imagine how much you miss his strong, capable arms and reassuring smile.. his persona was infectious.. warm, content.. anyway, wanted to share these thoughts with you.
Resting in Him✝️💓Deb
Life is so uncertain and when our kids are involved its so hard as a mom not to be in control. My heart breaks for you. While i was a single mom through divorce and not via death of spouse i know the feeling of regret and inadequacy. Your message is heartfelt and so needed today by me. My 40 yr old son suffers from seizures and hasn’t driven for last year. Im taking him to and from work and all appointments. I try and leave his future with God but fail more times than not by worrying and feeling helpless. May God help us both to trust and leave their futures as well as our own in his capable hands. God bless you snd your family!!❤️
A friend of mine recently told me of something she heard that inspired her to surrender. “Instead of preparing the road for the child, prepare the child for the road.” Since hearing that myself, I realized how much time and energy I spent preparing the road. Not only that, but it opened my eyes to how those preparations were laced with fear, entitlement, and pride. I know now that wasn’t God’s best. Thank you so much for your encouragement and perspective!!
I love that! “Prepare the child for the road! ” Thanks for sharing that!
Perfect words. Words I need and will need to read again. Thank you for writing the hard truths.
Dear sweet Lisa,
It is so true that we as mothers have a vision for what our children’s lives will be. We sometimes steer them in directions we think they should go because of strengths we see in them, but alas the Lord may have different plans for them, they will have challenges we did not expect and yet all will turn out just fine if we as you said “surrender them to him”. I am a mother of three grown children and honestly all three have taken different paths than I thought they would. The Lord has brought wonderful spouses that love him into ther lives and I know and trust that he will design their futures as he has designed mine.
Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement as always
Lisa,
Thanks you for this reminder! I used your blog post to share with my girls that there is purpose in their pain…just as God uses your aching heart for Dan to minister to so many with the hope of Jesus Christ and his sovereign plan! I love you dearly and am so thankful for your transparency and willingness to share with all of us. Needed this reminder! Feels like Im constantly in a “season of surrender”. It gets hard at times but God is so faithful and can be trusted.
Lisa I needed to hear this today as our oldest son is now separated from his wife and headed to divorce. Certainly not what I wanted for him or would have “ordered”! Daily active surrender to what God has planned next is where I am now. Your post is so encouraging! Love you!!
You nailed it with this one Lisa! Especially when you said how we set up our Idols of comfort and no suffering. I will never forget when you shared that at a mom’s Retreat and it has stuck with me since. Thank you for your transparency as you share from your heart!
What a beautiful post here, my friend. I know your situation is so different than mine, but I feel like I understand some aspect of surrendering their “entitled life.” For me, it means my kids lost some opportunities their American counterparts had while we were on the mission field, and perhaps a more financially affluent life. But I know it is the life God chose for them, and I continue to choose surrender as I see them walk into adulthood. Son studying for LSAT now.
Sisyphus. That’s what I feel like. Instead of one stone, I’m sentenced to roll several up the hill. Groundhog Day at its worst. I’ve tried rolling them all at once, carrying them, one at a time. At some point in the day, at least one of the stones gets away and rolls to the valley floor. Rinse and repeat.
I have seven children. We home schooled them. The oldest is 31, the youngest almost 16. They are 7 amazing people. I am looking forward to watching them return to the God of their youth. I wonder about their relationship to the Father, but have serene confidence that He will never let go of them.
I never imagined that I would be divorced. I thought that two imperfect people could have a perfect marriage in Christ. I’m having to lean not on my own understanding now days. And nights.
I saw and read your post (above). Funny how perspective changes perception.
A photo of a long legged young man, on a beautiful day, walking out of the surf, with a smile on his face. He surely must be enjoying his good life! When he’s much older, seeing this photo will bring a slow, warm grin to his face.
“I remember that day. I had so much fun. I felt so loved when I walked up the beach toward you, Mom. The look on your face just made that moment more special.”
I imagine the scene from his point of view. Tired. Happy. Fulfilled. Walking up the beach towards his ever-loving-mom.
“She seems to be glowing. I think she’s proud of me. This is a good day.”
That perspective made me smile! I pray my kids see all the good even in hard. Thank you for your comments.
Thank you so much for this post.A lot has come to my mind while reading through it and all the comments but the sum of it is this TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING.I have realised that the pain in my life has been due to the fact that I have been trying to live life from the viewpoint of my own understanding and planning instead of daily trusting God with the details of my life,my children, marriage,career,health. Thank you Jesus
Hi Lisa! I loved your story and the other replays I have a daughter whose marriage is falling apart. She has 2 little boys . I just want to rush over to her house and wisk her out of there. I just want help my little girl. I want to fix it my way. I know I have to trust God to get her thru this. But it’s hard. How do I let go & let God do his work? Thx Danny
That’s a great question. We can’t fix someone’s pain, but we can walk with them in it. You can be steadfast and encouraging, love her and her boys well, speak truth in love and pray. God delights in doing what seems impossible and I’m praying as I write this for hearts to be completely turned to him.
I’ve felt so much of this for my kids. My son and daughter have not only lost Dad but so much more. ‘God cannot give stones’ is something I’ll remember, especially when it seems the stones are always there. Thank you for this!