For the last month or so, it’s been very quiet around here. Partly, that’s because I’ve been busy with Christmas, an after-Christmas trip to the Virginia mountains and cheering on two of my favorite basketball players. But, if I’m going to write here about God’s faithfulness — especially as I’ve experienced it through grief and single parenting and widowhood and all that fun stuff – then I should also probably share that the last month has been quiet because I hit a dark place.
I’ve said before that grief isn’t linear but the troughs continue to surprise me. After three years, it surprises me that grief still creeps in so suddenly and just completely commandeers my thoughts, emotions, energy, outlook.
For several months I felt really good. I began to sense what the future might hold, I had projects to work toward and I woke up excited about the day’s activities. I told myself that most of the hard work of grief was behind me.
And then, a few days before Christmas, a deep gloom came over me from out of nowhere. Maybe Christmas triggered it? Maybe. But in my experience, the valleys of grief haven’t centered around the big milestones. They hit more randomly.
Maybe it’s just my hormones, I thought. Nope. It stayed and hovered over Christmas and well into most of January. Even when I cerebrally knew better, what I felt was hopelessness. Everything was perceived through a dark lens and laden by profound loss. Life as I knew it was gone and would never be back. The work and passions that had excited me became pointless. My energy was gone and my emotions were tender and frayed.
Why do I even share this? For a few weeks, I toyed with writing openly about what was going on. But who wants to read that depressing stuff, I thought. I want to encourage and uplift women.
But it’s not truth and it doesn’t help others that may be walking this road if I only write about the good days. Grief is hard work. Time doesn’t heal. Time is neutral. God heals.
So when I hit a dark place, I rely on the only things I know to do: bathe my mind and emotions in the truth of scripture and cry out in consistent prayer for God to restore. I have to cling to what I know is true even when nothing in me feels it.
And every single time, God is faithful. It may take a few weeks, but eventually I see the sun beginning to come up. And one day it dawns on me — I’m back! I want to cook for my family and read that new book and write and go for a run with my kids. And it feels good to feel good again.
I don’t think it will always be like this. I imagine the valleys will be farther apart and of shorter length and hopefully more shallow. But I’m sure we will always carry the pain. We are forever marked by deep love and deep loss. I may be walking with a limp, but by God’s grace, I’ll be moving forward.
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Linked up with Faith Filled Friday, Graced Simplicity, Women Living Well, Chatting at the Sky, Titus2Tuesday, Wise Woman Linkup, Coffee for Your Heart, WFMW
You continue to be a beautiful example of God’s faithfulness. Thank you for sharing your grief; you are always in my prayers.
Praying for you dear friend. Thank you for your willingness to be transparent. You are so right. If we can’t be honest about our struggles then we can’t help anyone else.
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Love you
Thanks Lisa for being real. God still lays you on my heart to pray for you! And I do! Love you dearly!
Thank you sweet friends. I am forever grateful for your prayers and for you. Prayer works; it’s a mystery but it’s a truth as well.
Lisa, we all grieve for your loss, when I remember and think about Dan, my heart aches for you and the kids mostly, but I think all of us who knew him, grieve some too. you have been such an inspiration in your faith, you are such a strong Christian and even though you don’t feel strong all the time, I know God is with you, lifting you up. All of us who know you, pray for you and the rest of the family.
Thank you Aunt Mary Anne. I know so many miss Dan’s sunshine and zeal for life. He had it for sure! And he’d want us to have it as well. xoxo to you.
Thank you for your transparency!! My dad has been gone for 20 years and just today I begin to weep talking about him!! It comes out of nowhere!!! You are so right about deep love deep loss!!! Continue to share your heart in sunshine or rain!!!
I’m sorry Melody. I’m forever grateful for the love though. Blessings to you today.
Hi Lisa. I found you through the link up at Chatting at the Sky, and I’m so glad I did. Your faith and hope are so very transparent. Thank you for sharing even the dark difficult times. May we never become a people who only want to see the happy days in others. I know I’m not the only one you encouraged today, but I’m thankful I found you. And in looking through your story I realized we have something in common, I grew up in Jacksonville at FBC. 🙂
thank you again for sharing your heart and pointing back to God as the landing place for our Hope in surviving anything we encounter.
Cynthia ~ I’m always amazed at our small world! We love our church family at FBCJax and they have loved us right through all of this. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, God is a sure landing place…that holds us even when our world is rocked to the core. His promises are true. Thank you for visiting and for making the connection!
Praying for you this morning. I don’t know your story but I hear your pain. Thank you for sharing that with us and so openly. Yes, grief IS hard work. Praying for that sun to keep on shining for you today and tomorrow. That He will give you the grace for each new day.
Thank you Melody. 🙂
Thanks for sharing about your grief. I wrote the words down in my journal that you said. “Time doesn’t heal. Time is neutral. God heals.” Good reminder of where to go with our grief.
These low moments are pretty rough to go through. I can identify. I like what you said about “bathing your mind and emotions in the Word” And “crying out to the Lord”. You are in a good place when you do this. He honors this. It will produce fruit in your life. Beloved know this….He’s growing your character through this. The people around you will benefit greatly. Stay in Him.
Thank you for sharing the reality of your experience. Thought we often like to wait until our challenges are successfully completed before sharing our stories, it is in the midst of the difficulty that our stories have the power to touch others who are in that same place. I loved this quote:”Time doesn’t heal. Time is neutral. God heals.” So true. Blessings of comfort and joy to you today. I’m your linky neighbor at Coffee for Your Heart.
Thank you Ginger. Oh to be 10 years out and to see what God will do. But we have to walk it…so many lessons there. Thank you for visiting!
What a great encouragement! I have times where I am fine and then wake up not fine, for no big reason. It is tough when those days happen, because there doesn’t seem to be anything to fix. I just need God and hope!