Mention self-care in Christian circles and you’ll get conflicting responses. On one hand, Jesus called us to die to ourselves. Galatians 2:20 says we’re to be crucified with Christ so that we no longer live but Christ lives in us. (Galations 2:20, ESV) The call for the Christian to become selfless seems at odds with self-care.
But Jesus also commanded us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. When our own soul is well nurtured, we can love others well. The balance comes in self-care, rather than self-indulgence or self-obsession.
And self-care in grief is especially important because its stress and intensity can deplete us. It takes everything in us to process grueling emotions, to face unknowns and the unexpected, and to continue to show up well for our family.
Grief wrings us out, taking its toll on us emotionally, spiritually, cognitively, and physically.
Jesus addressed these exact four areas when he gave us the first and greatest commandment: You shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your soul, all of your mind and all of your strength. (Mark 12:30, ESV)
True self-care in grief needs to be rooted in God.
Biblical self-care should never feed our flesh but free us to follow God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength.
God who made us cares about the well-being of our emotions, spirit, mind, and body. Let’s look at 12 ways to practice self-care in grief.
Self-care for your emotions
1. Hold space for your emotions.
The emotions of loss and deep disappointment can be excruciating. Emotions like sadness, despair, fear, betrayal, regret and more make us uncomfortable. We want to push them away or leap-frog over them. But we’ll never move through them if we don’t give ourselves space to process them.
2. Let your tears come.
We so often apologize for our tears but they are a gift from God who created us and our emotions. Science now tells us emotional tears contain stress hormones we release in tears helping to reduce our stress and brings endorphins to help us feel calmer and better.
3. Take the grace to grieve.
Don’t compare the way you grieve or the timeline for your grief. Everyone grieves differently depending on the kind of loss we’ve suffered, our personality, and our experiences. Caring for ourselves means taking God’s sufficient grace to grieve the way God made has made us. That grace lets us off the hook of having to appear all put together or faking that we’re fine.
Self-care for your soul
4. Get alone with God to lament.
The losses we encounter this side of heaven are too hard for us to handle alone. It’s vital that we anchor in prayer and the truth of scripture. Jesus did this when he learned his cousin, John the Baptist, had been murdered. He immediately got alone with God. (Matthew 14:12-13) Jesus got away from the crowds and alone with God often. At the end of his earthly ministry, in agony before his arrest, Jesus got alone to pray and pour out his heart before his Father. (Matthew 26:36-42)
5. Praise God in the storm.
Praising God in the storm lifts our soul from the pit. David worshipped God as he ran from Saul. Paul and Silas worshipped God in prision. Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah praised God as they went into intense battle.Worship takes our eyes off our circumstances to focus on God who alone can lift our head and refresh our soul. Worship can also be lament, unlocking prayers too deep for words even as we anchor our trust in who God is and what he does. A worship playlist is deep soul-care in grief.
6. Cultivate intentional gratitude.
There is tremendous power is gratitude. One reason God commands it is not only because he’s worthy of our thanks, but also because a grateful heart is so good for us. Among other benefits, gratitude ushers in peace, brings contentment, leads to joy, and helps us live in the present. Gratitude is a simple practice that helps us connect the dots of God’s goodness when loss makes our life feel so bad.
Self-care for your mind
7. Clear clutter in your schedule.
We need time to process the hard emotions of grief. While time alone doesn’t heal, we can’t rush through grief. The fog of grief is real–whether grief comes from a death, a miscarriage, an imploded marriage, chronic diagnosis, or a severed adult relationship. Our brain works overtime to wrap itself around the new reality. Because it takes enormous head space and time, setting boundaries on our schedule and saying no in this season leaves room for grief.
8. Take fear captive.
When something that seemed a remote improbability has happened, the door opens wide to all manner of new fears and worries. Stress from fear is crushing. If we don’t learn to manage the stress, it can take years off our life. This is one of the reasons self-care in grief is critical. I began a Biblical process to tame my fear by first calling out the lie driving the fear and then taking it captive to the truth of Christ. We can replace the lies of fear with the promises of God and let our mind dwell there.
9. Journal throught your grief.
When Dan died, journaling was another way to process “out loud” to God. I poured out my emotions, worries, and needs which helped unburden my weary heart. I recorded my thanks, the answered prayers, and all God was teaching me. Journaling not only helps us process the tangled questions and emotions in grief, but provides a forever memorial of all God is doing. Find 50 grief journal prompts here.
Self-care for your body
10. Get good sleep.
I have to admit sleep is often elusive in grief and difficulty. Night seems to magnify the hard emotions and loneliness descends in the dark. Pray for sound sleep and have a trusted friend pray for this specifically. One of my favorite verses to pray is, “I can lie down and sleep soundly because you, Lord, will keep me safe.” (Psalm 4:8, CEV) I’ve learned to keep evening rhythms to help with sleep: no coffee or tea after noon, turning down the air conditioner at night, keeping my room dark, and placing my phone screen-side down far enough away that it’s not easy to reach.
11. Rest well.
Even though I got solid sleep in my early grief, I still had grief fatigue. That’s because rest is more than sleep. Grief creates seven different types of exhaustion each requiring its own type of rest, according to Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith. The trauma, changes, layers of loss, and new tasks we face in grief sap us even more and require extra rest. Rest helps us endure the effects of loss as God renews our strength.
12. Get moving.
I love that God designed our physical movement to release mood-boosting endorphins. For me, a walk or run let me physically work out some of the brutal emotions that get bottled up. Exercise, gardening, or other types of physical movement help us counteract the physical effects of stress from loss. I find I eat better when I’m regularly exercising and sleep better as well.
Biblical self-care during grief allows us to endure the heavy toll of loss on our mind, body and soul. While suffering makes us feel so much is out of our control, self-care is one area within our control. And for the believer, self-care is rooted in God as let him tend and comfort the hurting places of our heart, soul, mind, and body.
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