As soon as I said it, I wanted the words back.
Even now I wince at my blunder. I’d had such good intentions to minister but I was pretty naïve about these situations. As a young 20-something mom fresh out of grad school, I just had no experience dealing with that degree of suffering.
Our music minister’s wife had end-stage breast cancer. When the list was passed around the choir room to bring meals, I signed up. I was fine cooking the meal and delivering it. But now standing at the door with my casserole in hand, I suddenly felt unprepared with what to say.
The minister’s adult daughter took the meal at the door without inviting me in. The house was dark and quiet behind the open doorway and my cheerful smile sobered as I handed her the dinner.
That’s when I added : “And I’m sorry the radio license was denied,” thinking my words were helpful but immediately sensing it was not the time or place.
In my defense, her father had been working to open a Christian radio station and our church was praying with him that a license would be awarded. Earlier that day, we’d learned it’d been denied and, of course, I was sorry for this disappointment.
But now it felt like heaped on hurt as I mentioned it. Really, Lisa? Her mom lay terminally ill in another room and I realized how out of place my words sounded.
That wasn’t the only time I blundered when I was trying to help. Or missed signs altogether that help was needed.
I think we’ve all probably been there at some point — wondering what to say and what not to say. Wondering whether we should go or whether we might be intruding. Wondering how to really give the kind of help that’s needed and not just a general, feel-good prescriptive.
I have wizened over the years and — especially in the last few years of our own deep grief — learned from the receiving end what’s really helpful. I’ve learned so much watching those around me who really love their neighbor well and are comfortable doing it.
“We are meant to be part of the physical, human illustration of God’s power. We are meant to help, heal, minister to, and love someone for His sake. And in the midst of brokenness, there’s no better time to love our neighbor than the present.”
Those words are from Sarah Beckman, author of Alongside: A Practical Guide for Loving Your Neighbor in their Time of Trial.
And this book is most certainly a practical guide. I was delighted to find this book is not all fluffy platitudes but chock-full of hands-on advice and ideas for how to really help our neighbor, our friend, our co-worker who finds herself facing a diagnosis or death or real difficulty.
I have dog-eared, underlined and made copious margin notes in my copy of Alongside. Sarah writes from her own experience both receiving help when she needed it and walking through terminal illnesses with several friends and family members.
She shares lists of online sites to coordinate help; guidelines when giving help; how to respect the recipient while helping; how to listen, what to say and what not to say; gift suggestions for men, women, teen, children and families; how to pray; how to look for special needs and long-term needs and more.
Alongside is more than a general why-we-should-help-others book. Sarah has pulled together a well-researched, deeply-resourced book with practical steps we can use to reach out and love others well.
And, I’m super excited to celebrate the release of Alongside with a special giveaway. One reader will win a new copy of Alongside: A Practical Guide for Loving Your Neighbor in their Time of Trial as well as a $25.00 Chick-fil-A gift card.
You can enter by leaving a comment below. I’d especially love to hear one way you’ve either been helped or helped others. This giveaway will stay open through Friday night at midnight eastern and is open to anyone in the contiguous 48 United States.
UPDATE: This giveaway is now closed and the winner is christianh. Thank you to everyone who entered!
While helping my parents as my mother was hospitalized, my father was struck with vertigo. Their family friend immediately offered to come to the house to be with my dad as I visited mom in the hospital an hour away. They didn’t say, “let me know know what I can do” helpful though that may be. They offered a concrete suggestion that I said an immediate “yes” to, as I was so torn by two different needs in two different places. I will never forget their kindness. Mom’s had surgery, Dad’s vertigo has passed. And the friends check in by phone or email. Our family is blessed.
That’s a great response!
I am notorious for putting my feet in my mouth, I’m learning it’s better to not say anything at all.
As a cancer patient and survivor I encourage by example, staying active in church and in community activities , run into cancer patients daily, offer prayers of healing, encourage them to stay strong and be patient.
Not all of them live, stand by family and support and pray with them.
Praying for a cure.
Lisa, you can offer so much comfort having walked that road. And I am SO learning that less said is best.
Your words always inspire. My intentions always want to help and come “alongside” but my actions don’t always follow through. This leads to my frustration. That is why I’m ever hesitant to even put my name on a list to “take a meal.” Maybe one day it will all come together. Thank you for your encouragement.
You AND Brian are huge encouragers. And hands-on helpers.
Thanks for sharing your experience. This has been a difficult season for our community, and I don’t know what to say or do so often.
I’m so sorry, Cari. I’ve learned so much watching others who seem to have this gift.
I think that helping others is one way God’s love shows through us whether it be cooking a meal, travel for a treatment or appointment, actual manual labor around a house, prayer, or a visit.
Yes! The hands and feet of Christ.
I have been on both the receiving and extending end of such grace, and when it’s my turn to give, I am often left wondering if what I offer is even useful. I would love to hear Sarah’s practical advice on how to be Jesus’ hands and feet in this world!
I’ve been reminded lately that little things can be big things, though we may never see their impact. Thank you, Melissa!
Thanks for sharing the book. I plan on reading it it. I too want to help beyond bringing a meal but not always sure where to start.
Sometimes I’m helpless right along with you and others. Our hearts are heavy, and we don’t want to be more of a hurt than a help so we do nothing. One of my best friends went through cancer. Trying to think of one of the best but simplest feelings I had, I brought a razor, creme, and lotion to the the hospital and shaved her legs. She was so sick she didn’t feel like doing it herself, but I was so honored she let me do it. She felt so pampered. Is there a simpler pleasure, Ladies? Of course this would be for your BEST girlfriends 😃 only.
Oh, that brought tears as I read it! What a sweet gesture that only a true girlfriend could do!
Such a hard topic to tackle-walking in grief with another. Looking forward to reading this book.
It can be weighty for sure walking with someone through grief. Thank you Tg.
After my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I planned to travel to Pensacola to visit her doctor with my parents to explain her options and a treatment plan. I shared with my group at Mom to Mom that I wanted to bring my daughter with me to visit my mom but did not have anyone to help me in Pensacola with her. My daughter was three years old at the time and a handful. I really did not want to take her to this important doctor visit.
One of my friends in my Mom to Mom group said she would be in Pensacola during that time visiting her in-laws and that she would be happy to baby sit my daughter for me.
My mother passed away six weeks later. And my Mom to Mom friend “just happened” to be in Pensacola the weekend we were planning her funeral. She baby sat for me again so we could make funeral arrangements. I will always be grateful to my friend for her help in my time of need. And I know that was the Lord’s way of showing me his love through others.
What a precious gift! And it does feel like it’s straight from God’s hand. Thank you for sharing, Julie.
Sometimes, not saying anything at all is the best. I feel so uncomfortable in silence, as if “my words” will be full of wisdom when the Holy Spirit is leading me just to hug, listen, and pray (& cry) with them. I remember when a young mother in our church had a sudden miscarriage and people felt they needed to give her time to grieve, alone, with her family. I chose to go to the hospital and I am so glad I did. Was it uncomfortable? Yes. Did I try to offer words of comfort? Yes and I should’ve kept quiet. But my presence is what she remembers and the love that shined through to her husband and family in the months afterwards. I am still learning to keep my mouth shut, as well as when to open it. We all can do better, but it’s taking that first step, even if its a baby step to listen to that inner voice, our Holy Spirit, and do what Jesus did. Serve others. Thanks for all of your encouraging articles! They inspire me and help my soul so much!
So many yeses to what you’ve written here Debbie. Thank you for teaching ME.
It’s as though we don’t fully understand how to help unless we’ve been there ourselves. The important thing to remember is to show up and try.
I think you’ve nailed it, Lisa. Our presence speaks volumes.
My family has been on the receiving end of delivered dinners during my husbands cancer surgery, so I am always first in line to return this service to anyone in need. I also transport to Dr’s appts & infusion treatments. I have found while giving these small tokens of service, it’s best to just be quite and let them talk.
Pat, God has given you insider information to really help comfort unlike many others who haven’t walked that road. Bless you for using it.
When all of my kids were still at home, we used to put “John 3:16 Bags” together, which included a Bible, a bottle of water, and a snack. We would then drive around and hand the bags to the homeless. We also included hand-written notes with a simple Bible reading plan, highlighting John 3:16.
It was a way for us to help several people without just handing them money. It was like saying, “Silver and gold have I none, but what I give you, I give in the Name of Jesus Christ.”
Thank you for the opportunity to share, Lisa.
Jennifer
I love this, Jennifer! Such a tangible way to get our kids connected to the hurting and helping.
Sounds as though this is an important, helpful book! One way we’ve helped…When a homeless mom & her 2 daughters stayed at our house for a few days while they were in transition from a homeless shelter to an extended-stay hotel, I did their laundry. Then the mom said (once the load was already washing) that she needed to wash her one pair of underwear–which she usually did by hand in the sink, and she found it embarrassing, she said. So I gave her a pair of mine. Simple things can make a difference. 🙂
And as far as receiving help…I was ALWAYS grateful when folks would babysit our toddler for us in the middle of the day so my husband and I could go to counseling appointments several years ago. Hard to find a teenager in the middle of the day for babysitting, and our going to these appointments depended on having somebody watch our toddler.
Allison, you teach me volumes. And open my eyes to authentic ministry.
As one who has been through cancer recovery a couple of things come to mind. We were loved with gift cards while being treated out of town. We were blessed with travel coverage but for those without travel coverage within their health insurance gas gift cards can be a tremendous help.
We were well taken care during this time but I wanted to share something that help me greatly. I read a sign that said “Do not be sad with those who do not reach out because you will be surprised who does” and I was. God is good!
Great advice, Brenda! And the sign is so true! New friendships can be formed in the giving and receiving.
Sounds like a much needed and helpful book! I really enjoyed reading all the comments and expressions of love.
When my mother died, my neighbor came over and said “Give me your keys” and he took our car and washed it.
Ahhh…it’s the little things that no one else thinks about, isn’t it? Thank you Darrene.
Displaying our faith has been a new way of putting into practice what you wrote about. I belong to a group of women who study the Word on Tuesday night and last year and this we went to every house on the street in groups of two and gave each one flowers as a thank you gift for allowing us to park in front of their houses. As we talk we learned some deep needs in people lives. It gives us an idea of how we might help some of them and for sure how to pray for each family we met. Each idea is a way to display our faith to the saved and unsaved. Glad I stopped by today.
Betty, I love that! What thoughtfulness for those neighbors and outreach as well. Thank you for sharing!
I found your blog today and have really been blessed, as I peruse all the different parts and encouragements. We live in the inner city. We moved here because we could afford it, and we loved building relationships with our neighbors. The neighborhood has changed, and now our neighbors are WAY more affluent than us, and I’m not sure they even want relationship with us. I know that’s not exactly what this book is about, but I feel like it could still be an encouragement for me not to continue to retreat…in shame? Thank you for all of your blog and for this sweet giveaway!
Sandi, praying even now that God will show you ways you can build bridges with your neighbors. Thank you for sharing and for your honest words. Love and kindness are an eternal language.
We have several chronically ill people in my immediate family and when a cold virus made its way thru the house a gal from church brought a meal. We are all adults and most of us are able to cook but the “possibly unneeded” break from cooking dinner was a huge blessing. It made me think that there may be others who don’t look like they have a specific need but would be blessed by having it met anyways.
Bethany, you are so right. And what a way to show love.
Thank you for sharing this resource, Lisa. Looks like a book full of wisdom and helpful insights. We were so thankful for those who came alongside us after our son went to heaven, and were just with us. Not offering advise, but letting us cry, talk, or just sit in stunned silence. Grateful for those who were able to “weep with those who weep”. About a month after Bryan died, another friend I didn’t know real well texted and asked if I would like to go for a walk, if it was something I would enjoy. We did get together and at the end of our time, she “proposed” an opportunity to get together in the next few weeks, mainly for her to just be with me in my grief. She came every month and has become a treasured friend.
Isn’t it amazing how God will forge new friendships right in the hard? God’s lovingkindness to us. xoxox
This was such a great post. I loved reading all the comments too. One thing I like to do is to ask “What day this week would you like me to bring dinner?” That way it is something specific and not the vague, let me know if you ever need anything.
Moniqwu, that’s a wonderful way to meet need.
I can’t wait to read this new book! I’m interested to learn new ways to minister to those in times of need. I do believe meals are always appreciated. And certainly if you tell someone you’ll be praying for them, follow through and pray as earnestly as if it were your own family member in need!
Deena, yes! Prayer is huge! Never “the only thing we can really do.” God does so much through our prayer!
So glad to hear about this book. It is one I am definitely going to read! When I was a young mother diagnosed with MS my bible study group came together and filled our freezer with food. And, as we were all busy with young children it was especially nice to have frozen waffles, ice cream treats, etc that were not homemade but regular food that my family ate and saved me from trying to grocery shop. Another woman just showed up and offered to vacuum my house- she even moved furniture and thoroughly vacuumed!! It was humbling but something I never forgot.
Laura, it *is* humbling to receive. Another lesson altogether. Thank you for these practical suggestions.
I appreciated your post….I’m always looking for ways to be a help to someone in need, and this book sounds so helpful! I’ve been the recipient of help during several surgeries I’ve had in the past….friends have brought meals, watched my kids and gave them support during my surgery to let them know, mom was going to be ok, gave my big kids a ride to their co-op class (we homeschool), and did my laundry. Tangible things to keep my home running, even if I wasn’t. They also prayed with me and for me and my husband. So grateful for that kind of support as my family doesn’t live close to me. Thanks for the giveaway!
It can take a village to fill in for mom sometimes! We homeschool as well. 😉
Thank you for sharing this morning. During my husband’s 2 bouts with cancer and 2 bone marrow transplants many wonderful friends and strangers offered support. We had to spend 5 months out of state for his second bone marrow transplant and that was very difficult even though we had some of his family within an hours distance they weren’t able to visit much due to work schedules. Cards, texts, and Skype were our life line to our family and home over 1000 miles away.
We’ve learned how important acts of service and showing up to help others in need are. Thankful for this book…I would recommend a copy for every church group to have.
Sue, what a hard road you all have walked…I’m so grateful friends surrounded you. I agree — an excellent resource for women’s ministries and outreach groups.
I want to read, learn, breathe in, take in, and then help others by studying, dissecting, and applying Alongside. Perhaps it’s for selfish reasons too. My son was diagnosed with end stage liver disease in 2015. Friends, loved ones, and those we don’t know have prayed and God has done amazing things! We are so thankful! But my son hardly ever has anyone who visits him or calls him. I’ve asked God to surround him with people who would love and encourage him and to help him understand God has not abandoned him. We wait. If others can understand what a hug or a word of encouragement means or going for a drive or even a plate of favorite cookies. Prayer is number 1 but action is right behind it. If I can help others and myself to make that heart connection to others in their trials then I know l’m helping others and myself to be the hands and feet of Jesus.
Debbie, I’m praying along with you right now. Thank you for giving us a small inside look at what it’s like to walk this road. Interceding for you all right now.
In November 2015 when I lost my husband….my friends, knowing how overwhelmed I was and obviously unable to think clearly, they not only blessed us with 3 months of hot dinners, but also provided 20 crock pot/oven freezer dinners. I have to say, when the hot meals stopped coming and we didn’t have a dinner invitation, those frozen crock pot dinners were the ONLY reason my boys got fed!!! What a blessing they were and how GRATEFUL I am that my friends are so thoughtful!!!!
All the yeses! Amazing how much food lovingly prepared and delivered by friends ministers. xoxoxo
Thank you for sharing this book, Lisa. When uncomfortable situations arise I tend to simply stay away rather than risk putting my foot in my mouth. There have been other books that sounded good but, upon reading them, they offered little. This sounds like a truly helpful teaching tool to have on hand. I was not born with ‘social graces’ nor was I exposed to many people who did. This has been a struggle area that I would like to overcome – especially with all those hurting out there. Example is a great inspiration so if I can learn from you and Sarah, others can then see me and the loving acts of God will move on and on. We are all in this together. Hugs to you!
We *are* in this together. This isn’t natural to me and I love seeing this gift in others. I learn so much from the body of Christ.
I struggle with this but decided at some point that it was more wrong to not act because I fear I wouldn’t do it right than it was to occasionally mess up. I am more comfortable with helping now, but still need to be better.
Yes! That’s it exactly, Sheila.
I hadn’t heard about this book, Lisa, but it sounds so helpful. I’ve been in that place many times, of not knowing what to say.
This is a great book, Betsy!