In the dark early morning hours, I woke to Dan’s heavy breathing. It was irregular and, thinking he was having a nightmare, I reached out with my eyes still closed. “It’s just nightmare, hon.” I shook him. “It’s okay.” A few seconds later, more awake, I realized this was not nightmare breathing. It was something very different. I jumped out of bed, flipped on the overhead light and could see instantly, Dan was not okay.
I immediately became like two people. Part of me went into response mode, giving directions to my older kids who had heard me call out to Dan. “Nick, call 911. Seth, run down and get Mr. Gillespie. Rachel, take Matt and Annalise upstairs.” The other part was actually watching the scene take place and thinking, surely there is no way I am giving CPR to my high school sweetheart, the man I just kissed goodnight.
The 911 operator walked us through CPR and I got about two rounds in when I had to stop to take a pulse. I couldn’t find one but pressed on trying to hope it was just my lack of skill. Between chest compressions, I told Dan over and over that we loved him. I wondered whether he could hear me. Within minutes, the paramedics arrived and I thought surely now, Dan was in good hands and all would be alright. I paced the living room, praying out loud and begging God for mercy. After answering routine questions from a police officer, the paramedics transported Dan to the nearest hospital.
I ran upstairs to tell the kids I was going to the hospital. I will never, ever forget seeing them huddled together on the floor of the boys’ room, sobbing. How I wanted to reassure them that I would be bringing Daddy back home! But I could only say that I would be back soon. We prayed quickly and I left. It was about 4:30 a.m.
Every single minute of that morning is etched in my memory. I knew when I entered the ER waiting room that it was not good. It was very quiet and they asked me to wait. Then they showed me into “that room.” The few times I’d been in the ER, I’d watched families go into that room and leave crying. So I pretty much knew even before the doctor came in to talk. He did come in and gently told me they had worked on Dan for more than an hour and could not revive him.
It’s difficult to even describe what life felt like. I felt like someone had suddenly ripped off one entire side of my body and left me with raw, dangling threads. Our life — tomorrow’s plans, next week’s list, our comfortable routine with the seven children we were raising — was shattered and would never be again. My four-year-old would grow up without her daddy. What about my littlest boy who would have no more Saturday trips to the hardware store or rides to the rental house in Dad’s truck? I hated that my kids’ lives were split wide open with such gut-wrenching grief.
I had cried out for mercy. God had not spared Dan. I headed home to tell seven children their dad would never come home again.
Lisa,
My heart aches as I read this post. My husband had major open heart surgery 2 and a half years ago. It’s been a crazy journey with lots of fearful moments when I didn’t know if he would survive. I can’t imagine the moments you lived that night. Thankful you’ve allowed God to heal you and grow something beautiful out of your desert place.
Much love,
~Sherry Stahl
xoxo
Lisa, I’ve been connected with you on social media for some time. But I didn’t know your story. It’s sad, heart-wrenching, inspiring, soul-stirring, grief-stricken, and powerful all at the same time. So thankful our stories display God’s mercy and glory…no matter what.
Amen to all of that, Karen. But God.
You are an inspiration and powerful testimony of Gods power,love,mercy and grace that I need right now. My husband, my best friend and soulmate had an automobile accident May 1 2017, on his way to work and I was by his side for 3 and half hrs as he fought so hard for his life but the Lord choose to take him home for reasons I’ll not understand until I get to Heaven. We just were married in Feb. I am going through deep depression and fear of an unknown future. Please pray for me and I will you and your beautiful kids.
Oh precious Karyn, I am in tears over your profound loss. It is gut-wrenching to the core to walk through this kind of grief. I am praying for you now and will continue to pray for you. God WILL take care of you. May you see God’s infinite love and good hand on you and all around you. xoxo
Dear Lisa,
I know this post is not new, but I just wanted to let you know what an inspiration you are to me. I’ve been through some tough stuff (sexual abuse as a child, sexual assault at age 28) and have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, but your writings have given me a glimpse of the hope and peace that is possible after significant trauma.
I also don’t know if you’ve ever been told this, but I was a paramedic at age 17 and became a critical care RN at age 23. But hearing is the last of the senses to go before death. I’m sure your husband knew that you all loved him, but it is very possible that he heard you that night as you told him of your love for him.
I’m so sorry, Ann, for all of your early trauma. Thank you so much for telling me that piece of information about hearing …I didn’t know that, but it’s sure comforting. Blessings to you and peace as you heal with Christ.
Lisa,
I just saw you followed me and I wanted to read your story. I was so moved by your story and pray God continues to comfort and give you and your family a lot of grace.
Thank you, Marlene. God has tenderly carried us and revealed Himself in so many ways.
Lisa,
I stumbled across your website on Pinterest. The intro under your picture caught my attention because I too am a widow. My husband died in a car accident 7 1/2 years ago. I did not handle things as well as you did. I tried to be strong for everyone else and “handle it myself,” while playing the petulant two-year-old with God. Yet, he was patient. I begged for answers then put on a brave face and went about my business. I refused to read the Bible playing that peek-a-boo game: you can’t see me because I won’t see you. But then everyone else got on solid ground. And I hit bottom. I cried out and God, the ever-patient parent, held out His hand to me. Since then, I have struggled less. I have to constantly remind myself that “I” cannot get through this alone. I tried, and I failed. But God doesn’t fail. Thank you for sharing your story. May God bless you and your family in all that you do.
I also lost husband unexpectedly a year ago. I asked God why, he said he was working too hard and the family was so worried about him, which was true. He was a 57 teacher and coach who worked with students after hours and on weekends, minister and deacon the pastor used excessively for everything and his family called him for everything. I his wife and two college sons hardly saw him because former students was mentored by him. His last year of life he didn’t take time for his slowly deteriorating health flags with his diabetes. I felt I and the kids should have been considered as you thought but as Jesus died with his mother and close friends nearby, the focus was on personal mission completed not entirely our our feelings. Feelings take backseat to God’s will and purpose for each individuals life fulfilment. We each has an group and individuals plan spelled out by the Father.
Hi Lisa
Thank you for this blog.
Your words are the ones to read before I hit the bed at night with a heavy lonely heart. It brings so much encouragement and hope to my thoughts as reading through the comments section too.
Reading through this. I can say I know it hurts. I lost my beloved husband few months back exactly the same way you lost your husband. Me and my eight year old son were right next to him giving CPR at midnight and reminding him that we love him. My son was shouting “don’t give up daddy” all the time standing next to him. He didn’t make it. We lost him. I still remember we had plans lined up for coming days. My son still couldn’t accept the fact that he cannot have a baby sister or brother as we wished. still i accept this as God’s plan to prepare me for something more than being his wife. amen.
Love from India.
Thabi
I once read this statement that I feel goes along with your testimony and many other Christ-followers: “Sometimes God chooses the most faithful of His servants to carry the heaviest burdens.” You have a unique spotlight on your life and family. People are watching how you respond to the profound loss of your husband. As you continue to strive to trust the Lord and live for Him, you are showing others that grief and joy can co-exist. You’re showing them that life is hard, but God is faithful. Thank you for sharing your story. Praying for you and your family!
I am so touched and moved with your story of great loss and joyful healing that followed with Christ. It gives me so much hope that even in the worst of times, God is faithful to us. I love your story because it exemplifies hope in God always on earth, first & foremost.