In grief, what not to say is as important as what to say. We often mean well, but our words can hurt or offend. In fresh grief, let’s not try to fix it, explain it, compare it or justify it.
I’ll never forget seeing my friend’s face fall as I handed her a casserole. I’d made that casserole with pure love while wrangling five little ones at home. Her mother was in the final days of cancer, but as I handed her the casserole my accompanying words fell flat. I immediately wanted those words back, but you can’t unring a bell.
Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” and Proverbs 18:21 warns us our words hold the power of death or life.
Let’s root out what not to say to someone who’s grieving. Many comments on this list are common. Most are well-intended. Some are even scriptural, but it’s not the time to say it.
While I’ve offered suggestions of what to say instead, you don’t have to say anything. Listening is often best. Our quiet presence or practical help are enough.
21 things not to say to someone in grief
1.What not to Say: I know how you feel.
Everyone’s loss is different. Even two people with the same loss grieve differently because of personality, relationship, circumstances and more. It’s not about us anyway.
What to say instead: I’m sorry you’re hurting or I see you’re hurting.
2. What not to say: God needed another angel.
This is Biblically inaccurate. First, God has no needs; He is wholly sufficient in and of Himself. Second, people do not become angels upon death. Instead of trying to soften the death, let’s allow space for lament.
What to say instead: Your (husband/brother/daughter/son/mother/father…) was amazing. Here’s what I loved about them.
3. What not to say: At least (fill in the blank).
There are so many ways people fill in this blank. Showing someone what could have been worse does not make them feel better in their loss.
What to say instead: I’m so sorry for your deep loss.
4. What not to say: You’re lucky he lived a long life.
This ignores the pain of loss. Death was never God’s intended plan for men and will always cause pain this side of heaven. All life is valuable, whether the person is elderly, physically or mentally disabled.
What to say instead: I’m so sorry for your deep loss. What a lasting legacy he leaves.
5. What not to say: All things work together for good.
How can this be wrong if it’s true? Because it’s ill-timed in fresh grief. It rushes the person in deep grief to find a reason for it instead of allowing space to lament. It’s like trying to stop the blood from a severed limb with a Band-aid.
What to say instead: I’m so sorry for your deep loss.
6. What not to say: God won’t give you more than you can handle.
This is also scripturally inaccurate. God most certainly allows us to go through circumstances too much for us, that make us utterly dependent on His sustaining grace. We’re not meant to handle everything ourselves.
What to say instead: I’ll be by tomorrow to help with (fill in the blank).
7. What not to say: I understand because my (dog, great aunt, second cousin on my mom’s side) died.
Maybe this feels like comfort offered through your shared experience. But it nearly always comes across as minimizing a person’s loss.
What to say instead: I’m so sorry for your deep loss. I can see you’re hurting.
8. What not to say: How are you?
This question is too big for someone in the overwhelm and fog of grief. How are they? They’re probably a tangled mix of hard emotions, searing physical pain, fear and questions affecting their thoughts, sleep, eating, plans, dreams, relationships, routines, finances. Their eyes will glaze over if asked this question.
What to say instead:
If you’re in the inner circle (dear friend or family member) and can sincerely listen, this question might be okay. A better one is “How are you today?”
If you’re not in the inner circle, simply say “I’m praying for you. Is there anything specific I can pray?”
9. What not to say: They’re in a better place.
This is another statement that rushes a person through their deep grief instead of giving space to lament. Yes, we have the gift of eternity, but also the raw ache of missing on earth.
What to say instead: I’m so sorry for your deep loss.
10. What not to say: You’re young, you can still (get married again, get pregnant again, have more children, fill in the blank)
This is a false assumption on two counts. First, the possibility of a future blessing doesn’t alleviate current pain. Don’t think for one minute that when God blessed Job with 10 more children he stopped grieving for his 10 who had died. Life isn’t replaceable like that. Second, just because someone’s young, it doesn’t mean they’ll get married again, pregnant again or have more children. They may well be grieving their only marriage, their only pregnancy, their only child.
What to say instead: I’m so sorry for your deep loss.
11. What not to say: You’re so strong. You’re such a testimony.
While meant as a compliment, it can heap on pressure to look strong. Loss reveals our weakness and vulnerability. Any strength comes from God and their testimony at great personal cost.
What to say instead: How can I pray for you?
12. What not to say: She’s better off now (for a chronic or terminally-ill child, spouse, parent)
This may be true for the one who died, but it completely misses the pain of the one left, especially after a long season of caregiving when identity, routine and life were tied up in loving them well.
What to say: I’m so sorry for your loss. I loved this about your daughter/spouse/parent.
13. What not to say: Everything happens for a reason.
God is sovereign over every circumstance, even tragedy and evil. Joseph’s slavery, mistreatment and false imprisonment were for a reason. Jesus’ suffering and death were for a reason. But we may not see or understand the reason for our suffering this side of heaven. So while it’s Biblically accurate, it glosses over someone’s very real pain.
What to say instead: I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m listening.
14. What not to say: I can’t imagine.
This one surprised me. It didn’t hurt for me because I received it as recognizing how deep the loss was. Others say it hurts because true empathy means trying to imagine someone’s pain. I’m learning to take this out of my conversation.
What to say: I’m so sorry for your deep loss.
15. What not to say: It was just (an early miscarriage). It was just a friend (who felt like a sister). It was just your dog (who saw you through thick and thin).
The length of a pregnancy or the kind of relationship doesn’t make the pain less real. Grief is grief. We can acknowledge the pain even if we can’t understand it.
What to say instead: I’m so sorry for your loss.
16. What not to say: Telling people how to grieve — things like, you should get all your emotion out, or you shouldn’t feel that way or you should get out more.
Everyone grieves differently and, unless it’s injuring them or others, we need to give others grace to grieve the way that feels right to them. Introverts grieve differently than extroverts, men grieve differently than woman, children grieve differently than adults.
What to say: What is helping you right now? How can I help?
17. What not to say. Telling people how long to grieve—you should be over this. You should be moving on.
Grief takes as long as it takes. Rushed grief may cause more harm in the long term. And though the pain softens through the hard work grief, we never get over the people we love.
What to say: What is helping you right now? How can I pray?
18. What not to say: Telling your story.
Commiserating means offering sympathy and solace, not the details of our own losses. Sympathy is other-focused. It’s time to lean in and listen to their heart.
What to say instead: I’m so sorry for your loss. How can I pray for you?
19. What not to say: Asking questions about the loss or death.
Again, this is time to lean and listen. The manner and circumstances of loss or death are highly personal. Sacred. If the person offers details, it’s because you are trusted and/or they need to externally process. Let them share as much or little as they’re comfortable with.
What to say instead. I’m so sorry for your loss. How can I be praying for you?
20. What not to say. You should be crying. Or you shouldn’t be crying so much.
You can’t predict how you’ll react to trauma and loss. Some stay stoic, managing details and taking care of their family. Others melt into a puddle, with tears spilling like a broken faucet. God sees every tear. He created them. Studies affirm God created our tears to comfort in grief.
What to say. Here are some tissues, with a hug or quiet listening.
21. What not to say: Call me if you need something.
They’ll never call. They’re too overwhelmed or they can’t bring themselves to put their need out there. Instead, look for needs. Follow God when He nudges you to do something.
What to say instead: I’ll be there Tuesday to help with (fill in the blank).
Note bene: If you want to know more of what to say to someone who’s grieving, find suggestions here.
Find your footing and real hope in loss in Lisa’s book Life Can Be Good Again: Putting Your World Back Together After It All Falls Apart. Lisa Appelo is an author and speaker inspiring women to deepen their faith in life’s storms and find hope in grief. She’s a widow and single mom to seven children in Florida and former litigating attorney who loves long walks and dark chocolate. Get authentic encouragement in your grief journey with Lisa on Instagram at @lisaappelo.
