Grief comes in all shapes and sizes, and it’s not a one-size-fits-all experience. My grief journey has been shaped by significant losses, including the death of loved ones, career changes and major life transitions like the demolition of my childhood home—losses culturally recognized as worthy of grief.
However, there are losses that we may experience that are not considered worthy to be grieved. Because they’re often overlooked, I refer to them as “invisible grief.” This type of grief may stem from a situation or a circumstance, over a decision that you made or one that was made for you. Invisible grief, also named disenfranchised grief by Kenneth Doka in 1989, happens when a griever isn’t afforded a “right to grieve.” Examples include divorce, adoption, physical ailments, empty nesting and pregnancy after loss, to name a few.
Invisible grief is part of my story. I placed my firstborn baby in adoptive care during my senior year of high school. While other girls my age were making plans for their most epic year, I experienced this significant loss. And I believed I did not have the right to grieve it because of its associated shame. So, I grieved alone in silence.
Like me, someone may not feel their loss is worthy of grief because of the shame and guilt of poor decisions—like abortion, adoption, divorce or being fired from a job. Invisible losses can happen with living losses, empty nesting, a big move, life transition or miscarriage. With miscarriage, people often assume the parents are okay because they can try again, or with a divorce, believe the divorce was for the best when they are all still grieving.
The pain of loss is often dismissed in these cases by friends and family. It reminds me of a friend who experienced divorce and people told her, “He wasn’t right for you anyway; be glad that’s over” yet she desperately wanted the marriage to work. Or the mom who becomes pregnant after loss and all she hears is how great she must feel to be
pregnant again. It’s as if the previous miscarriage wasn’t worthy to be grieved since she now carries a new life. Even with empty nesters, people may hear the longing in a mother’s heart to see her child every day, yet someone says, “Well at least you can call them on the phone.” It just isn’t the same.
Losses due to choice are often viewed as unworthy of grief. But grief is grief. So, no matter what brought on the loss, every loss is deemed worthy of the space and grace to grieve. All kinds of loss must be grieved and processed.
Further, because of the way society brushes over grief, sometimes we aren’t even aware that we are grieving. I know it took me several years to realize I was grieving my transition from leaving corporate America to homeschooling.
Before I share reasons why it’s important to grieve all losses, let’s discuss a few ways to recognize if you’re grieving. Ask yourself these questions to self-assess:
- Have I experienced a loss or trauma?
- Do I have a health challenge?
- Am I constantly irritable or angry?
- Have I experienced a big life transition (i.e. career change or move)?
- Do I feel sad, numb or apathetic?
This is only a partial list, but if you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be grieving. Now, here are three reasons why it’s important to make space to grieve all losses.
3 Reasons to Make Space to Grieve All Losses
1. Every loss is worthy of the grace and space to grieve.
Grief is the natural response to loss. Thus, we will all grieve at some point in our lives because we will all lose something or someone. Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” This includes making space to grieve all losses.
2. Grief needs a place to go.
It is unhealthy to bottle up our emotions including grief. We can bring all of our pain, grief and emotions to God as well as a trusted friend, safe community or counselor. It’s important to let it out. I love how Peter reminds us of
this when he says, “[c]asting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully]” (1 Peter 5:7, AMP)
3. We become more like Jesus when we make space to grieve all losses.
John 11:35, one of the shortest verses in the Bible, tells us that Jesus wept. (John 11:35) Jesus grieved over the death of loved ones and friends (John the Baptist and Lazarus), as well as sin and the cup of suffering he would endure on the cross.
Further, Jesus made space for grief. Scripture shows him going off to a solitary place after he learned of his cousin John the Baptist’s death. (Matthew 14:13) So, if making space to grieve is important to Jesus, it should be important to us. In making space, we also encourage the capacity to become more compassionate, mourning when others mourn, and sharing in others’ pain and sorrow.
Grief encompasses much more than the death of a person. We’ll experience many types of loss throughout our life. Whether our loss is ever seen by others or understood by our community, God sees and understands. All kinds of loss needs to be grieved.
Natasha Smith is a grief advocate, wife, engineer turned homeschooler and NC native. She is an author, speaker, and podcaster, sharing stories on faith, family and grief. Her work has appeared in Influence Magazine, Guideposts, Propel Women, Her Bible and other publications. Her new book Can You Just Sit with Me? Healthy Grieving for the Losses of Life is available now wherever books are sold. You can connect with her on Facebook and imnatashasmith.com.
