Some things feel too vulnerable to share.
And while I’d prefer to keep the deepest layers of my heart tucked safely in, sometimes we just need the relief of realizing that someone else walking a similar path has experienced the same emotions and reactions we’re experiencing.
So while it feels a bit risky, it’s worth it if it lifts another sister up, redirects our heart and helps us live where we are and love where we are.
Because I was caught off guard at how soon after Dan’s death I became obsessed with remarrying.
I don’t use that word lightly. It preoccupied my waking moments and became the longing of my broken heart.
When I read grief books by other widows, I’d flip to the last chapter to see if she had remarried. How long had she waited? How had they met? Was she happy?
God, please don’t make me wait ten years, I’d pray.
I had loved Dan deeply. And I had loved being married.
But oh, the conflict.
I’d steal glances at ring fingers and become simultaneously horrified at the possibility of even making eye contact.
I was madly in love with Dan and desperately wanting to remarry.
Even in the rawest ache of grief, my mind churned with when, where, how and who God might bring into my life. For more than 20 years, my heart had been given to one man. And I missed it.
Wait for your Boaz.
It’s the heart cry for the single Christian girl waiting on a godly man.
When you’re suddenly thrust into the club of young widows, the possibility of a Boaz holds out bright hope.
I’m sure it’s the same for my other single sisters.
When friend after friend gets engaged, part of you celebrates wildly while the other part wonders when your Boaz is gonna show up.
When you’ve gone through the nightmare of rejection and betrayal, you dream of a Boaz who will love, honor and cherish you.
Wait for your Boaz.
The story of Ruth spells hope for every single girl, every widow, every woman who’s heart has been crushed.
It feels like God tucked the best love story ever into the Bible just so we’d know it can happen.
And happen better than any Nicholas Sparks novel.
Ruth was a young woman in Moab who married into a Hebrew family. Elimelech, Naomi and their two sons left their hometown of Bethlehem and migrated to next door Moab when famine hit. Their sons married Moabite women – one named Orpah and the other Ruth.
That’s when the bottom dropped out. First patriarch Elimelech died and then –unbelievably – both sons. Naomi was left without husband, without sons, and both Orpah and Ruth became young widows. In ancient times, this was beyond heartbreak. This was desolation.
In deep grief, Naomi was hopeless. She could offer nothing to her daughters-in-law. She’d go empty and bitter back to Bethlehem. Orpah returned to her Moabite family and Ruth alone vowed to go with Naomi.
But not because of Boaz. It was never Boaz that made Ruth move forward in faith. Ruth had never heard the name. She didn’t know Boaz existed. She wasn’t going to Bethlehem for Boaz or even for a Boaz.
Ruth’s longing was not for Boaz, but for God.
“Your people will be my people and your God my God.” Ruth 1:16
Ruth could move forward into her bleak and empty future because she placed her hope in God.
And this is where the violins cue to fortissimo. Ruth found provision as she gleaned in the fields, protection as she gleaned from Boaz’s fields and then full out prosperity as Boaz redeemed his right of kinship and took her as his wife. The book ends as Boaz and Ruth have a child, whose grandson would one day be King David.
All the satisfying sighs as they lived happily ever after.
Because isn’t that what we single girls want? We desperately long to live happily ever after with our own Boaz.
So often we look at the book of Ruth and think, Yes! God can do the impossible. He can bring a wonderful, godly, successful man to my life. Look — it happened to Ruth! And it can happen to me, too.
So we join the singles class at church and scour the e-dating site and begin to view every event as the ONE possibility that will introduce us to our Boaz.
I’m not knocking the singles classes at church or e-dating sites.
But we’ve read into Ruth a message that God doesn’t give.
Because the hero in the book of Ruth is not Boaz.
The hero in the book of Ruth is God.
Ruth sought God, not Boaz, with her whole heart. Ruth trusted God, not Boaz, with her whole heart. Ruth went to Bethlehem for God, not Boaz.
It was God who provided for Ruth.
It was God who protected Ruth.
And it was God who prospered Ruth.
I realized a long time ago that I had to deal with my own longing for Boaz. It was taking up valuable soul space, misdirecting my hope and healing.
God is my hero. God alone can give me hope, ease the raw ache of my broken heart and prosper me to live well where I am, and to love well where I am.
I had to long for God alone.
I’d like to say it was easy to lay it down. But it was an over and over again process of giving my heart, my hurt and every hope to God and trusting him. Over time, my preoccupation to remarry began to fall away. I still have dreams tucked in close, but they don’t redirect my heart.
God is my Boaz. And he’s yours, too.
Beautiful Lisa! Powerful vulnerability!!!
Praying God does a mighty work in someone’s heart through your very personal ministry. I love you.
That’s my prayer, too. That our sharing lifts each other up. Thank you, Sheryl.
What a beautiful and transparent post. After a friend had passed away, her husband wanted to tell a few of her girlfriends that he had met someone and was to be remarried. It hadn’t been very long, and he was clearly concerned about what our reaction would be to his news.
A lady in the group smiled sincerely, congratulated him and said that it was obvious our friend had truly loved him well as his wife, or he might have been hesitant to remarry. And how his eagerness to remarry was truly an indication of how very happy they had been.
I had never thought of it in those terms, but it was true in this case. Loving Karen and being loved by her, made Ron desire that companionship again.
You described it well. I (try to) understand all the ways people respond in grief, because we sure all grieve differently. Thank you, Amy.
Thank you so much for this post. I am a young widow as well and have had those very longings but then have had this feeling that I would be “cheating” and so many other emotions around it. YET, just recently, the Lord spoke to me so clearly and said “give me your husband” and I wrestled, and cried, and screamed saying “no” but HE kept saying “give me your husband”, then told me “I cannot do anything new until you let go – put your husband at the foot of the cross”. For the first time in 6 years, I have peace. I would still like to get married again BUT I know my redeemer lives and cares for me.
Thank you for sharing, Deneen. So grateful for your peace and for allowing God to move you through grief. It is a bear .
Beautiful. Even though married, what a reminder it is that God is our Boaz and not our husbands. Remembering that can ease much “married” heartache and loneliness.
That ‘s true, Gwen. No husband can be our savior. Thanks friend.
Women everywhere and in all situations can be encouraged by this post. And how cool is it that yesterday I began reading Roy Hession’s “Our Nearest Kinsman”?! (“The message of redemption and revival in the book of Ruth.”)
I love studying Ruth and God’s faithfulness! Thank you, Miriam.
Thank you for a beautiful, wonderful and yet heart wrenching post. I am not a “young” widow (62 and lost husband of 42 years last year) but I think of myself as too young to be alone. I too have had these crazy thoughts about finding someone, but I don’t really want to remarry, confusing. right? You have opened my eyes to the prospective that God is my everything and I must look to Him always.
I love what Deneen Gudjonson said about giving my husband to God, I really don’t want to let him go! I love that I can always get something good from your site.
Thank you, Barabara. It’s hard to stare at a completely unexpected and unwanted future. But God.
This is so true, thank you. I’m staring at unwanted and unknown. My husband passing away unexpectedly. As I do everything each day alone, I’m hoping He helps us.
Thank you for your honesty. I was divorced in 2016. I fought it for years and then had to accept the end of my marriage. I continually too found myself staring at rings and sizing up gents in front of me in ways I have never bothered to before. It took my by such surprise because on one level the last thing I wanted was another gentleman in my life. It took me almost 3 years to get used to being uncoupled and finally am finding peace in the aloneness. Not sure what God has in store, but keeping faith that his timing is perfect.
Bless you on your journey
I’m sorry for your loss, Grace. It does take a long time to find who we are again in that uncoupling.
A much-needed, honest post, Lisa! Thank you for openly sharing your heart. I am sharing this with my FB group of ladies…
Much love,
Jennifer
Thank you for sharing, Jennifer. For your consistent encouragement!
Thank you Lisa for sharing your heart with us. God knows what you need at all. Blessings.
He does! I trust him with my whole heart.
I so love your honesty Lisa. Thank you for sharing what so many of us feel but will not admit. And thank you for the reminder of truth, being that it is God that all hearts long for though some don’t recognize it.
I have experienced the same things that you have shared and am really trying to let God be enough. That is my desire.
Love you sister.
Yes and yes. I feel like I’m learning things I’d tell my single daughters.
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:33-34 NKJV
https://bible.com/bible/114/mat.6.33-34.NKJV
Amen. Great verses.
Thank you! I will work to trust in God and let it be enough.
It’s s process, constantly giving to God my heart and agenda.
I love your honesty, you have such a great way of putting feelings into words that a lot of can relate to, but don’t know how or are to embarrassed to share about.
*of us can probably relate to
I’ll admit this one was hard to hit publish. But I know reading from others’ transparency has really helped me. Honesty, just knowing this is a shared feeling, helps us process it. Thank you, Deborah.
Lisa, you took a risk in sharing so transparently, and God is honoring that! This is a message of truth, and it points us to our True Husband.
“But not because of Boaz. It was never Boaz that made Ruth move forward in faith.”–Amen!
One good thing I’ve learned in this is that emotions just are. It’s okay to feel and there are often justifiable reasons for certain emotions. It’s what we do with them that matters. Thank you for your encouragement.
Love this!!! So beautifully written, and so true.
Hey you! Sorry I missed you. You came to mind yesterday as I was researching a Hebrew word. xoxo
Thank you for sharing with such honesty. My marriage ended 3 1/2 years ago and although I’ve not sought out a relationship of any kind I find myself getting caught up with wanting to remarry so badly. I was saved just 2 years into my marriage and in the past I’d always sough another relationship to heal from the last. Not this time!! God has done so much in me over the last couple years and I’m so grateful. Yet that longing is still very much there. Imagine my surprise when I’ve gotten a message/ email/ scripture etc every day for a week on this very topic of letting that go and truly making God my #1. I love it when He speaks so clearly. Not to lay this at His feet over and over until I truly have.
Wow, I love how God meets us so personally. I’m sorry for your loss, Gina. Praying now that God will continue to heal your deepest pain.
Beautiful and vulnerable, Lisa! This encouragement will not only help singles and widows but all of us who struggle with letting other relationships take a place of priority in our hearts over God. We do that so easily with children, spouses, even money. The Lord is indeed our Boaz, our Redeemer! Hugs and prayers.
Yes, that’s true, Julie. It’s so easy for us to put the skin in front of us ahead of an invisible God.
Hi Lisa all the way from South Africa I always read your post they are so encouraging. Thank you may God continue to work through you
I’m so honored! So grateful our words can travel across oceans! Best to you today.
Oh how Beautiful is your transparency of heart… such a much needed message for us. I love that story of Ruth and Boaz! Thank you so much for sharing your struggles and triumphs with us all.
You’re making me tear up. It’s a sisterhood we never expected, but there is such encouragement knowing that this stuff is normal and we can process all of it. xoxo to you, Alisa.
Excellent article….so much information we all need to know. In my simple way I say no one can give can give me what God can give me. There are certain things only God can do for me. I have learnt so much from reading this article. Thank you.
So true. Only God can truly anchor us. Thank you, Amla.
Lisa, thank you for your sweet words on my blog. They served me a huge dose of encouragement. Being in a world of writers, pursuing writing and getting little traction there, I’ve been fighting an inner discouragement and wasn’t really aware of the source — but I see that the life I’ve been living in response to the Holy Spirit’s leading is the message I’m currently sharing. It’s less about writing and more about living.
So true! Writing is definitely the overflow of living.
I just sort of “fell” across your blog, Lisa and wanted to say how true and beautiful it is. I worked with Dan at Coastal and knew him to be a kind man of great faith and we miss him . your faith and honesty is both refreshing and inspiring. I have lived single all these years and I too finally understood that God had to be my Joy, my Strong Tower, Comforter and Friend and He has done all that and continues to bring me joy and hope and love. It is good to see you and your family are doing well. God is forever faithful in His timing and in His way and in His will. It is wonderful how you are allowing Him to redeem your suffering and grief for His glory. And you write beautifully.
Hi Judy! So, so good to hear from you! Man do I miss hearing of our Coastal family on a daily basis. Thank you for your encouragement. Glad you fell across this piece and my writing and sending you warm greetings. xoxox0
I admit, I looked to see if you remarried before I read this article! 🙂 According to Jewish tradition, Boaz died the night after his marriage to Ruth.
Lisa, I confess I was so surprised by this. I had assumed you had not even thought about dating as you were securely focused on God. I have attempted to date because I too desperately want to be married again. But I thought I was failing because I had the desire to remarry – thought I had set my sights on a path less than what I should be focused upon. But God…. He has definitively shut every door I have attempted to open. Oh, I could write a book about the heart ache I have brought on myself and the time robbed from my kids. I wear heavy guilt for having tried to date, only to end up heartbroken eight years later. This has been my ever present pain of late. I have prayed God would redeem this time and I trust He will. Thank you for sharing, Lisa.
I went through this too a bit. I would feel like I wanted to remarry but get sick at my stomach at the thought. I finally realized that I wanted to marry because I wanted to be married to my husband not someone else. I know that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. My husband of 30 years and I were deeply in love and very best friends. God will have to heal my heart so that I am able to love again. I’m trying and working with God to make Him my center and happiness but only 2.5 years out, it’s still so hard.