When we think of grief, we most often think of the mourning that comes after someone has died.
But grief is so much wider. We grieve because of loss and life can dish up all kinds of loss.
Those losses can trigger the same emotions and the same physical responses we experience when someone we love has died.
It’s a myth that we only grieve someone who has died.
Because we can very much grieve someONE who is still living. And we can grieve someTHING that has died.
Grieving Someone Still Living
When you grieve someone still living, it often feels like a death that happens again and again. You grieve the life they are living. You grieve the loss of relationship you could have had. And you grieve the loss of hopes and dreams you had for them.
You can grieve a child making destructive choices.
You can grieve a spouse who’s betrayed.
You can grieve someone physically present but emotionally absent.
You can grieve someone who’s walked away.
You can grieve someone you never got to meet.
Abby understands what it’s like to grieve someone who’s still living. For years, she’s stood by and rather helplessly watched someone she loves fight for his life against addiction. She can’t fix it or convince him there’s a better way. But can’t walk away from him either.
It’s a loss that happens over and over and over — fresh grief each time there’s a relapse or a broken promise or a phone call that brings new fear.
“Grieving someone who’s still living is like constantly waiting for the worst to happen,” Abby describes. Even if you try to wall up your heart against the pain, it gets breached again and again.
Julie’s grief is a bit different. Julie’s daughter was born with a disability they’ve never been able to diagnose that causes multiple health issues and delays. Julie says when she first learned her daughter would have lifelong disabilities, she “grieved not having a ‘normal’ daughter” as well as the loss of everything they wouldn’t experience: “clothes shopping and wardrobe sharing, attending mother-daughter events, long talks, walking through the dating process.”
It wasn’t a one-time loss. As her daughter grew, Julie’s grief actually intensified. She watched her daughter age but the gap between what her daughter could do and friends her age were doing widen. Every milestone for her peers brought new grief for all her daughter would never get to experience.
Grieving SomeTHING that has died
We can also grieve someTHING that has died. This one often surprises us, catching us off guard when we feel the intensity of emotions.
You can grieve a dream that’s been lost.
You can grieve something longed for that never came.
You can grieve an unwanted job change or job loss.
You can grieve life as it could have been but for a diagnosis.
You can grieve a season of life that’s over and will never come again.
Mothers just emptying their nests and staring at a future altogether different know what it is to grieve someTHING.
“Sometimes we grieve motherhood as moms and that season of our lives that was so busy and focused on raising our children,” says Michelle Niertert, a licensed professional counselor. As we’re letting go of the season that’s gone and trying to find our place in the next, Michelle says grief makes us wonder whether we’ll ever be as happy as we were.
She says that kind of grief can look like hopelessness or even disillusionment.
Dr. Michelle Bengtson, author of Hope Prevails, says we can also grieve when life “uproots us from what we know and love.” Even good job changes that entail exciting moves can leave us grieving for relationships we left.
Dr. Bengtson says our culture doesn’t identify the grief that’s all around us.
We don’t have conventions for the person grieving someone still living or the one who finds herself grieving something that’s died. We don’t send cards or hold a service to memorialize what’s been lost.
This grief is often borne alone and quietly.
We need to know — it’s okay to grieve someone still living and it’s okay to grieve something that’s died. We need to make room to process the emotion and the physical effects that may come with the grief and we need to give ourselves grace to rest more, shed tears, feel sad, fight despair and eat cereal for dinner on the hard days.
Lament. Mourn. Grieve.
God who made us understands what breaks a heart and how to bind up every kind of wound.
*You can find the rest of the series on grief myths here.
*Thank you to these writers who shared their experiences with me:
Abby McDonald
Julie Sunne
Michelle Nietert at Counselor Thoughts
Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Thank you for sharing.
This has been bottled up for a while.
Oh gosh, this really spoke to me. Five years ago my parents called and told me they no longer wanted to be in my life. Every holiday and Birthday hurts, and apiece of me dies again.
I’m so sorry, Stacy. Lament and heal. ❤❤
I’m going through a similar situation and have been grieving it as well. I miss them and pray God can heal the wounds. If it’s appropriate I would love to pray for you as well.
My son wishes to no longer be a part of my life – except when he needs or wants something and his father allows this.
A great can break a hundred times. Praying for peace and healing.
My oldest daughter decided she did not want me in her life anymore. I grieve for what might have been, not for what was. Though I deeply love her we were both such different people, radically different. God I’d the only one who can change us.
Yes, God can weave together what we cannot.
How do I get pass the greaving of a relationship and seeing him always at church. Seing him with other dates knowing that he is covering up his brokeness and hearing others believers talking about him,but none have the guts to say anything to him.
This hurts me more then loosing him.
I’m sorry for such pain, Sally. Praying you lean hard into God for wisdom and direction.
Another great article Lisa. Love you.
xoxox, Terissa.
Thank you Lisa
Sometimes the Lord urges us to remove people from our lives who He knows will not be good for us in our journey to making us new. There is grieving for the loss of those relationships too but he always knows what is best for us and we have to trust and obey him.
Gallison
Thank you for sharing.
These are such life-giving words, so helpful to me after a season of grieving. Interestingly, that “daughter” I kind of lost and gave back to the Lord has continued to stay in my life through calling me every once in a while. Although I’ve drawn some boundaries, I continue to leave the door open, praying for that day she will return to her Father.
I love hearing that, Betsy! And you’re wise to set up boundaries.
Lisa, you have summed up so many of my feelings here with precision. When my mum passed away last summer, I realized that I had already been grieving her life long before I began grieving her death.
Great post! I have grieved a relationship that is not how I want it to be for years. I’m finally letting it go and allowing God to soothe that wound!
Visiting from #TeaAndWord
This insightful post touches me in a deep way, Lisa. “We need to know — it’s okay to grieve someone still living and it’s okay to grieve something that’s died. We need to make room to process the emotion and the physical effects that may come with the grief and we need to give ourselves grace to rest more, shed tears, feel sad, fight despair and eat cereal for dinner on the hard days.” Thank you for this. It applies to my life in so many ways. Love and hugs to you!
I have grieved both of these ways as most of us have. We need to let it out and mourn in our own time and own way.
Great words!
Seeing it as grief is a huge first step. Thank you, Sarah.
I thought I was done crying when I finally managed to stop after reading your story. Then I read this. I know this grief all too well. Years of loving and trying to help an addicted spouse who doesn’t want to be helped, but who is loved and desperately wanted by our children. Grieving the loss of a “present” daddy and husband. Grieving the loss of a “present” mommy for these babies, as I have struggled for years to make the marriage work and provide for my family. Grieving the stable and innocent and happy childhood my children will never experience, no matter how hard I have tried to give it to them. Grieving the peace they have not been allowed to know as they have heard fight after fight and experienced financial struggle, lack, and need over and over. Incredibly thankful that they all love Jesus, and praying that He will give them more in the years to come than what they have lost. Remembering everything He has provided, showing my children first-hand that He can be counted on and that the longings of their hearts are precious to Him. Trusting Him to be their everything, because He is all I have been able to give them.