The night before Thanksgiving, I was up late finishing pies for the next day. As I sliced apples, Annalise got up – again. She’d been restlessly trying to get to sleep and her night owl nature was kicking in hard.
A bit exasperated, I agreed to let her sleep on the couch while I baked. A few minutes later though, I heard sniffling and, admittedly a bit miffed, I asked her what was wrong.
I miss Daddy, came the tearful reply. “Why does everyone have a dad but me?” she asked.
Dusting flour from my hands, I went in to her. She did have a daddy, I wanted to say. A daddy who had adored her and who we’d see again. But this night I didn’t correct; I just comforted. “I know, baby. Daddy loved you so much,” I said, stroking her hair and drying her tears.
As she quieted and I went back into the kitchen, my thoughts churned. Stink. We are five years into this and some days the grief rolls over us hard.
Grief doesn’t stay neatly tucked into convenient spaces. It bubbles up in unexpected moments and surfaces at times meant for celebration; seasons marked for festivity and thanks.
I thought of others dealing with grief while the rest of the world celebrated.
While many of us gathered with family and friends around tables piled high with turkey and trimmings, filling up on love and laughter and life, other families were admitting a child to the hospital, getting a diagnosis, watching the light of their life take a last breath.
That’s the thing about the hard – it pays no attention to plans or holidays. It matters not that it’s a national holiday or the cusp of your son’s wedding or that a category 4 hurricane is pressing down.
And yet.
Right in the midst of the hard — of the ill-timed, unwanted, unexpected – God’s good hand is so evident.
We’ve prayed for the sister of dear friends for more than two years. Always interceding for the next treatment, the next surgery.
Last week, she ran out of the next option. As I was making my Thanksgiving grocery list and prepping my house for college kids, her family was calling in hospice.
Her brother found a stack of spiral notebooks in her closet. Seems shortly after she was diagnosed someone gave her a copy of Ann Voskamp’s 1000 gifts. She’d titled the first page of the first notebook “1000 gifts” and begun entering those first notes of gratitude . . . #1, #2, #3 . . . continuing on.
Paging through the journal, her brother saw she’d reached 1000 entries and kept going. The second notebook now gave thanks on both the front and backside of each page and somewhere in her third notebook, she reached entry #15,000.
Four years of daily thanksgiving. Four years of purposely looking for God’s good hand right in the midst of inconvenient, unwanted hard.
It changes a person. It changes perception and perspective. It tells our story with the whole truth, not just the half that’s heaviest.
“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.” Matthew 6:22
Even when we are physically emptying, when our gut is hollowed out from pain, eyes that see and ears that hear all that God is doing – all that God is – fill the hollow with Light.
What kind of Light was there when the clock began it’s slow, steady pace toward an earthly end?
Her brother searched for her last entries.
The morning after doctors told her there were no further options, nothing left they could do, her entry read: PEACE.
The next day recorded her final written thanks. In visibly weakening script, she wrote again — PEACE — and then, lastly – STRENGTH.
Oh that we would have eyes that really see.
- See that not one day of hard, which feels so unexpectedly hurled into the planned rhythm of our days, happens outside the perfect, precise timing of God.
- See that not one moment of hard happens apart from the inexhaustible goodness of God.
- See that not one step of hard is taken away from the everlasting arms of God.
We may have grief when the rest of the world is celebrating. But finding the good and gratitude in the hard opens our eyes to the immeasurable, infinite, inescapable love of our God.
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Shannon Hawkyard says
I am grateful for this beautifully written post. My beloved father passed away from a long battle with ALS on January 15, 2016. This is our first year of Holidays and “firsts” without him.
It was a relief to my aching heart to read your words this morning as the brave face routine I have been mustering continues to weigh me down.
Thank you for your openness and for sharing your story. I have read your blog over the past several months and have prayed for you and your children.
Lisa Appelo says
Shannon, lifting your heavy heart to our Father right now and I’m so hugely thankful for your prayers on our behalf.
Karen says
Wonderful Lisa. As a bereavement coordinator I talk about the holidays and grief and how difficult it is when others seem full of joy and you are not. I am going to share this post
Lisa Appelo says
Thank you for sharing, Karen. Your ministry is so needed.
Paula Branham says
So beautifully written…and true!
Lisa Appelo says
Thank you, Paula. <3
Pam says
You are such a blessing to me. Love and prayers for you and your family. I know the grief is real and so very hard, but praise God for His hope! Without Him, how lost, I would be. ❤️
Lisa Appelo says
Yes, amen, Pam. I would be lost in so many ways without my Savior.
Ruth Yeilding says
Oh Lisa…..God gave you such sweet words to share! Thank you for sharing. I so wish you had Dan with you but I’m so glad you know where he is and that you will be with him again! My heart hurts for Analise! I pray God’s arms around you and your wonderful children! Love you!
Lisa Appelo says
Thank you, Ruth! Those unfixable hurts drive us desperately to Jesus. For that I am forever grateful. <3
Marie Wise-Miu says
Beautiful. 4 years today for my loss. It does roll over is at unexpected times. But holidays are the most poignant times. Thank you for these beautiful words.
Lisa Appelo says
I’m so sorry for your loss, Marie. <3
Jan Grubbs Beasley says
Lisa, you at so spot on with this!
Grief shows up when our missing loved one was not even on our mind. It sneaks in when we are folding laundry and remember there is none to fold for him. It shows up in the mall when we hear a song that caused our eyes to meet and we both knew what the other was thinking. It shows up for me when I pass a dirt road that I’ve never been down. Melvin would have turned in and said what he always said on these occasions: “Let’s find out where this goes!” Grief shows up very often in CHURCH: in a song, in a certain scripture.
BUT GOD ALSO SHOWS UP AND IS BESIDE US. He is our Strong Tower. He is our Shelter. He is our Strength. And He gets us through these times.
Lisa Appelo says
Every bit of this…I’m weeping thinking of the long love you and Melvin had. What a treasure and what grief left in it’s wake. Thank you, Jesus, He walks with us.
Leigh Ellen says
Oh, Lisa, how this spoke to me! Thank you! May the Lord continue pouring out His blessings on your and your loved ones.
Lisa Appelo says
Thank you so much, Leigh Ellen. <3
Irene Talaasen says
Thank you, thank you! Our oldest daughter was put in the hospital on Thanksgiving morning for side effects of chemo treatment . She is the single mother of our only grandchild, ( a dear grandchild) We are trusting her story will end happily as she gets to continue to raise our precious grandson. Praying with thankfulness when it is so hard.
Lisa Appelo says
Those “prayers with thankfulness when it is so hard” must be such a fragrant offering. Praying with you as well. <3
Terri Brantley says
Thank you Lisa for a gentle reminder to think outside our own lives and problems! What seems so big at times is really small in comparison to the heartbreak others are experiencing presently.
Praying for you and your sweet family!
Lisa Appelo says
Thank you, Terri… sometimes the hard that friends & family are going through comes in such waves.
Barbie says
Wow, this post truly moved me. Thank you for writing it.
Lisa Appelo says
Thank you, Barbie. <3
Tamara says
I so needed to read this today, at this moment as my heart is so heavy and I am so weary. Thank you for allowing God to speak through you so gracefully!
MaryJo Landwehr says
Thank you so much! Found it when I needed it most! Thank you for sharing!
Sherry says
Bless you Lisa and I pray God continues to pour out His words to you. The testimonies you share touch us all, maybe in different ways, but nonetheless, they do touch us. I remember when my husband passed after having to care for him 24 hours a day (result of bleeding out due to torn artery during cardiac Cath procedure), for 5 1/2 years. He was my soul mate. He was without oxygen long enough to have anoxic brain injury. My purpose in life became changed in an instant. But the ways of our Lord work in mysterious ways for sure. This is the path God chose for me to turn to Him. Praise Him always for my salvation. I miss my husband but before he passed away we were both baptized, saved and I know I will be in heaven to sit at the right hand of Jesus. For you Lisa, I have been following your posts for some time and lifting you, and your family, up in prayers. This is the first time I’ve felt I needed to share my story with you. You truly touched my heart today. My Christian sister~my prayers are for you.
gloria says
So needed this tonight. .heaven gained a special angel June 2016…We were married almost 56 years . my forever love. So Grateful for the love we shared for so may years. I choose joy and gratitude! God bless you and your sweet child!
Trudy says
Thank you for this encouragement, Lisa. It strengthens my heart. God is certainly using your pain for His purpose. “But finding the good and gratitude in the hard opens our eyes to the immeasurable, infinite, inescapable love of our God.” Step by step I am finding this to be so true. The deeper valleys we go through, the more precious God’s love and grace becomes to us if we open our heart to it. Blessings and hugs to you!
Lee says
my wife just pasted after 52 years this was very hard to swallow. But I am very thankful for loving father
whom i can lean and ask for a shoulder to cry upon.She died 8 of October. it is very lonely. Thankful for a loving God.
Tiffany Parry says
It’s a good, good Father that with time and healing brings us to that place where we can find gratitude in our grief. So grateful for your testimony and your desire to show others His light. Love you, friend. xo
Betsy de Cruz says
Thank you for sharing this part of your story, Lisa. May the Lord continue to surround you with His grace, His light, His peace. I’ve thought often the last week of my “Mama” Sandy’s family celebrating their first Thanksgiving without her…
And these thoughts on gratitude are so good. I just recently started back to my gratitude list. It encourages me and opens my eyes.
Katrina Morgan says
Thank you so much for your beautiful heart-filled words. It has been 15+ years since my Daddy went to be with Jesus..a few months more than my mother in love who went to be with Jesus after a less-than-5 month battle with cancer..brother in love who went to be with Jesus (cancer)..and my father in love who went to be with Jesus leaving 4 young children..(cancer again). My grandmothers are also waiting for us, with Jesus..so many. Though it has been 15 + years, holidays sometimes still bring that thought of “wait til I tell Daddy..” and then I remember. It doesn’t get easier..but God’s Grace? And Mercy? Yep. That helps. And leaning on HIM.
Meghan says
Lisa this is beautiful and I am so thankful I was your neighbor from Jennifer’s today. xoxoxo
Praying for you all!
Kristi Woods says
The thought came just last night that I should touch base with you and see how everyone was faring. And here you are today, with a glimmer of the answer ~ finding the good and the gratitude. You rock, my friend. I’m sending loads of love and hugs across the miles, thanks and prayers as well.
Debra says
It is especially tough on Thanksgiving because my husband died an hour after Thanksgiving ended last year. I was proud of myself that I didn’t sit and cry all day. For me, that was the best I could do.
AMY LYNN DARROW says
Since reading this store as well as being challenged by my Sunday School teacher to write my 2017 goals on my mirror for me to see everyday, one of my goals to do as this lady did. My goal is to write one thousands gifts of gratitude. What a wonderful legacy to leave behind of over 15,000 items in several notebooks for all of her family to read. What an inspiration! What an encouragement!! Such an awesome story, I hope others find the type of encouragement and challenge from this story as I have.
Yolanda says
Thanks Lisa for the sweet reminder of God’s presence and comfort. Our loss is hard and memories and tears do indeed just pop up. It is comforting to know that my Savior is a present help daily.
Lisa Appelo says
Yolanda, I’m so sorry for your loss right in the middle of this holiday. I love you, friend.