
Of all grief myths, perhaps the most pervasive is the grief myth of five stages of grief.
I was so grief naive when I became a sudden widow and single mom to seven. I had no idea what the grief journey might look like. How long does it take to grieve a love story that took 30 years to write? How could I detach from the man who’d been my best friend since high school? How would my children respond in grief?
The one reference I’d long heard about grief was that there are five stages to grief.
If only grief were that tidy and organized. If only we could check one excruciating emotion of grief of before we moved on to the next.
After walking with scores of people through different kinds of loss, after writing and speaking to hundreds on grief, after reading and researching and based on my own experience, it’s clear that we’ve locked into a pervasive grief myth of 5 stages of grief.
Grief Myth: There are 5 stages of grief
The conventional notion that grief has 5 stages was popularized by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in the late 1960’s. She noted these 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. However, Dr. Kubler-Ross’s research and observations were based on terminally-ill patients, not those mourning the death of a loved one, a miscarriage, death of marriage or other kinds of grief.
Her theory assumes that grief is linear: that we process one stage before moving onto the next. It also assumes we all go through each of the 5 stages.
The truth is that grief is not linear and we all grieve differently. There’s no ordered procession from one phase to another.
Take denial: most people who grieve go through a long period of foggy disbelief. I had to continually remind myself that Dan wasn’t going to walk through the back door. I white-knuckled the life we’d had and couldn’t imagine what the next chapter even looked like.
But it surprised me that even a year or three after Dan’s death, I’d still reflexively pick up my phone to call him. I wanted to share a funny story about the kids or a good thing that had happened. Each time was another reminder that, oh yeah, he’s gone. That was the old life; this is the new. Moments used to be shared; now they echo in my own heart.
It’s also myth that we wholly process one “stage” before moving into another.
Grief is a turbulent mix of emotions – sometimes even conflicting emotions.
We can feel the cavernous pain of missing while also being more filled with the presence of God than we’ve ever known.
We can feel cheated by all we’ll miss out on and yet grateful for everything we’ve had.
We can feel drowned by despair one day and buoyed by hope the next, only to later fight through another trough of despair.
We can feel the heavy cloak of sadness and, without ever taking it off, experience a moment of belly-laughing joy. (Remember this scene from Steel Magnolias?)
No, there are no neat and tidy stages we walk through in grief. It can feel messy even when we’re grieving well. And that’s okay.
Finally, it’s a myth to assume everyone experiences each stage. I never felt anger after Dan died. Choking loss? Yes. Despair? Oh, yes. Fear? So much. (I don’t see that mentioned in any of the stages.)
I expected to get angry at some point. But it never came.
And I’ve had two friends deeply betrayed in broken marriages who never went through an angry stage.
Are there 5 stages? No.
The truth is that everybody grieves in their own way, at their own pace, with multiple emotions in play at the same time.
Grief is intensely personal. The circumstances that cause loss and the environments after loss vary widely.
And yet, in our grief, God meets each of us so tenderly and so personally. He is all sufficient. He is a good Shepherd, who alone can lead us through the most barren deserts and darkest valleys to places of quiet water and green pasture.
“He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” Isaiah 40:11
**You may want to read about these grief myths:
Grief Myth #2: The First Year is the Hardest
Grief Myth #3: You’ll Get Over It
Grief Myth #4: Grief in Miscarriage {and a top book recommendation}
Grief Myth #5: Grieving SomeONE still living and SomeTHING that has Died


So good to read. I’m in the middle of grief and you’re right! There is NO formula. Each day is different and brings about a different emotion. Thank you for being transparent about your experience. It means moments of sanity for some of us reading your words.
Lori, my heart goes out to you. Grief is hard work and there’s no way around it but through. Praying for you right now, that you will feel God’s presence close to you.
But God is the one who took my husband away suddenly 131 days ago. I have faith but there is no peace I can’t see it happening any time soon.
Susan, the pain can be suffocating. Keep trusting, go to the Bible and soak up His promises for you. xo
My mom passed away on the 2nd of October 2016 and I still dry because I miss her but I know that one day I will see her again and that gives me joy and comfort. Who knows how long we will feel pain for those we loved, who have passed away..God is our sustainer.
Yes, I have experienced grief differently as well. We lost our oldest son who was only 28 years old a year and a half ago, and sometimes we’re up, and sometimes we’re down. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of him, either with a smile, a laugh, a sniffle, or a jolly good cry.
The only thing that gets us through is knowing our beloved son is with the LORD, and that we will see him again.
Eve, that’s so young. I know there must be huge layers of grief. Praise God that this world is not our home and your son awaits you with your Savior in eternity.
I fully understand your grief , as I to lost my oldest of three Soms almost 2 years ago . We never think we will loose any of our children before we die . I lived in Anticipitory Grief for the 12 1/2 years he battled Cancer. And now I’m up and down and all kinds of sideways . The only thing that keeps me grounded is our Lord and Saviour ! That and the fact that my Son will never again suffer , I’m happy he is with God and the Angels . 🙏💙😇
I’m waiting for the day when the deep sadness of grief is not so present , and in place are wonderful happy memories of his brief 36 years on this Earth .
I pray for healing for you 🙏God bless you
Linda, I’m so sorry for your loss. Praying for you now that you feel God’s strong presence and love. We grieve with great hope. <3
My most difficult times were 26-31 years ago lasting 6 years. I still grieve in the ways you’ve mentioned without order. The losses experienced are felt deeply again, sometimes in light of remembering the good times. A great post Lisa. I get it and thank you for putting it into words. This is helpful to many! Much love to you and all!!!
Cathlene, friend, I cannot imagine the pain. And to see the beautiful family you have now is such grace!
Thank you for this. I’ve told several people that I have never been mad at Dewey for dying, they usually tell me I just haven’t gotten to that part yet (?). Why would I be angry with him, he wouldn’t have chosen to leave me and he certainly wouldn’t have chosen the way it happened. I definitely wasn’t in denial. Again, how could I have been when I caught my husband of 41 years as he dropped to the ground having experienced the widow maker heart attack. There is no end to the grief, at least not for me after 8 years but there is a softening of the intensity. What has happened to me was the grief became less intense on a 24/7 basis, then it became even more bearable but is still there, then I realized I could say his name without crying, could tell stories and laugh about them, but even today my lip still begins to tremble when I least expect that to happen. Now days I can laugh about things we did or something we shared, I can even admit he had a ‘few’ faults. I call the initial grief the Tsunami and I still occasionally experience an episode and I’m resigned to the fact that this may never go away but through it all I felt the presence of God, even in the first day or so when I couldn’t pray, He was there and He’s never left or failed me.
What a beautiful testimony, Sarah. You’ve summed it up so well. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know still has so much for you. <3
Thank you for your beautiful, painful story.
Lisa, from the day my husband of 42 years passed, i have found your posts & emails to be most helpful, full of the Spirit of the Lord & have helped bring me hope. Today you have so nailed it for me! Thank you for being so vulnerable, sharing your journey & helping us sisters.
I’m so glad we have those who weep with us, who can assure us that what we’re feeling is okay and a normal part of the process.
Thank you for this article. It was perfect timing. My mother died last month and this week has been incredibly difficult.
Yvette, I’m so sorry. Such a huge loss. I’m praying for your heart now.
Thank you so much for this much-needed article. Two weeks ago , my sister’s husband passed away in her arms from a heart attack. He was her first and only love. Married 40 years. Your words of wisdom will help me to walk with my sister Liz through the most grief-filled days of her life. Thanks for helping me to understand .
Kathleen, those early weeks are gut-wrenching. A listening heart is huge…I will never be able to say enough thanks to family and friends who cried, listened and prayed for me. I’m praying for your sister.
Oh Lisa, these words come across with such honesty, like a sister coming alongside. I can’t imagine the pain of losing Dan, and I’m thankful you didn’t experience anger. I experienced it when grieving Dad. It bubbled to the surface with a load of surprise included. Grief does look different for each of us. And thank God we can discuss it honestly.
And it’s okay to experience anger. I think we need to know that it *can* be a part and that it’s not wrong. Simply one of the emotions to process that reflect pain in the deepest levels. God takes all of that and little by little replaces it with his love, mercy and hope.
Thanks Lisa I carried a spirit of grief and feelings of abandonment after the sudden death of my brother as a teenager and then some years later my father suddenly died. I held it together for years before I was able to go through whatever was unfinished in my acceptance of their deaths especially my dad’s. It’s wonderful how you have allowed yourself to be so vulnerable yet again. Bless you and thank you. May the joy of heaven have special place in your family life.
Carol, those scars aren’t always visible, are they? But God’s love is deeper than all of it. Thank you.
Lisa,
I was widowed after almost 31 years of marriage. I had known my husband since our freshman year in college. I appreciate this post and your unpacking the grief myth. I would like to add that the Kubler Ross work was actually on the Five Stages of Death. When we see those five stages it truly correlates to receiving a diagnosis through that last season. Over the years since, writers have superimposed her five stages to grieving.
You are absolutely correct in that when we are grieving there is no stage. Each person will grieve differently because our relationship with the deceased, if we are grieving from a death, is different.
Thanks, again, for your willingness to tackle the subject of grief.
Yes, it was later that she co-wrote a book on grief after loss. Thank you, Deborah, for sharing your own journey of grief.
My mother died when I was 8. As a child I was just trying to make it threw the day . We were not allowed to mourn. This is life now. As a adult it really hit me. Thanks for the great word.
Gloria, what a tremendous loss. And what a mixture because I know you are so loved and yet it came at the cost of great loss. Sending you love and prayers today. xoxo
Thank you! I lost my mom suddenly on June 22nd of this year. I’m starting a grief sharing group with my church in November to help me get through the first holidays without her. God is getting me through. and Prozac.
Becky, what a great step to form a Grief Share group. They have some great resources and it’s a great tool to help move forward in grief. Praying for you now, that God himself will be your peace in your grief.
Yes!! I totally agree with you! Having experienced a very long summer filled with grief, it is definitely not linear. It’s more like waves and each time, the wave hits just a little bit differently.
Jen, those are hard summers. I saw your posts about your father-in-law, yes? Praying that you all are beginning to feel warm memories in the grief. Good to hear from you.
I lost my husband of 41 years a year ago,,the pain is still there,,,i work.. so at times I can forget but when I get home ,,it starts ,,i miss his voice,,,i know I should be grateful I had him so long but I can’t help wishing it was longer,,some days I feel so mad that he’s gone when I should be grateful ,,for all the time we had,,and I think about how selfish I am being knowing people who lost there spouse’s early or in war,,my kids knew there dad he watched them grow yet other children never got to have there dad see them grow up and wives who only had a few years with there spouses,,and here I am still upset one year later saying to God why did you take him,,i pray it guess easier for me one day,,,i have been lately thanking God for 41yrs with him,,but my heart is still so broken,,i do function at work very well,,but I feel like I am wearing a clowns mask to hide my pain
Thanks for listening,,,Carolyne
Thank you Lisa for what you continue to share, it brings such wisdom, inspiration and hope. Your words today have helped me recognise that what I am experiencing at the moment is a new experience of grief in my journey of healing from the loss of my marriage. While most of the time I celebrate that my life is so much better than it was before, in moving forward and starting to step into a new future, I am flooded with new feelings of sadness and fear. Perhaps this is a necessary part of letting go of even more in order to be ready for new relationships. I certainly can see that in trying to survive the crisis and betrayal of my ex-husband, and in caring for my young children (2yrs and 3months at the time) while struggling with PND, there wasn’t a whole lot of time and space for grieving.
Your words encourage me to embrace these new feelings and go through them and what they will teach me, as I know my always faithful God always works for my good in these things. Thank you.
Lisa, thanks so much for examining this topic and sharing so transparently. I’d forgotten about the fact that those 5 grief stages were the work of one woman. (Learned this in school way back when?) And now we accept it like gospel.
Thanks for sharing this. I think a lot of us even feel “guilty” when we’re not going through those stages as programmed. It’s true. No one person’s grief will be like another’s. And sometimes we move back and forth between stages.
Hi,
To be fair to Kubler-Ross, it’s important to point out that her initial 5 stages were her conceptual description of the processes of dying. These were later applied to the stages of grief for people who lost a loved one. The idea, as far as I understand, was not to be prescriptive, but to provide a framework for understanding what a person may experience. Kubler-Ross very much helped to open up discussions around death and dying, and I think it’s important to represent and understand her work fairly. The very names of the stages has helped frame our ability to discuss this topic more easily. They were never intended to be prescriptive, nor to suggest that everyone experiences all of the stages in the same sequence.
Another beautifully written article Lisa. Love you so much and will never forget that day. I need to read your stuff more often. Praying for you every week as your name pops up on my ipod.
Miss you Terissa! Thank you for your prayers and for your faithful friendship all these years. xoxo
Lisa, thank you for this brave sharing. I’ve never been in your shoes, but the times when I have grieved for the loss of a loved one, I can agree with you that there is no schedule or time line, or really, even a cycle. Everyone grieves uniquely, and we’re mistaken to put others in a box.
Lisa, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m so grateful you shared this post with us at The Hearth and Soul Link Party. While I think the ‘5 Stages of Grief’ were intended to be helpful, you are right, they are actually not accurate and can almost make things feel worse as people think they aren’t doing grief right! I was sad, but very interested, to read about your journey. What you’ve written is important, and will help so many people. It’s not the same, but I’m approaching the 10 year anniversary of the loss of my parents. Although I’ve never articulated it, I absolutely agree that the grief journey is intensely personal. Again, I’m so grateful you shared this post!!