Get over your grief.
Yesterday, running errands and listening to my beloved Christian radio, I found myself shaking my head and talking back.
This speaker went on:
At some point, you have to put a period at the end of mourning. I know folks whose loved one died five years ago and they act like it was yesterday. Get over it. Ask for God’s help, mourn properly and for a proper time. {audience clapping}*
And my heart breaks for those grieving devastating loss five years later or fifteen years later. I want to look into their eyes and whisper over the hand clapping: God sees your pain. God knows your loss. No one else may understand, but God walks with you in it and has so much for you alongside it.
Those who expect you to get over grief have never suffered life-altering loss.
Their advice comes so well-meaning but is so off.
My first introduction into life-altering loss came several years ago when I met my friend, Debby. Getting to know each other, I asked her how many kids she had. Without missing a beat, she answered, “Seven. My two oldest girls are in heaven and I have five more at home.”
I have to admit I stammered a response. It was younger me, before I had an inkling of that kind of loss, but I thought about it for weeks afterward. Clearly, she was a mom of seven and she would never get over it.
Yes, she bravely showed up despite the pain and despite an unwanted future to parent her five younger children well. But she would never get over the grief of losing her two teen daughters in an accident; she learned to live alongside it.
You don’t get over grief when you’re 5 or 8 or 10 and every other little girl has a daddy scooping her up with a bouquet of flowers after the dance recital. You don’t get over it when you’re a 5th grade boy and they’re handing out flyers each week talking up the father-son campout. You don’t get over it when you look across the dining table every Sunday to see your 13-year-old son sitting in his dad’s chair at the other end.
Grief changes and it’s not always the brutal, unbearable, physical pain. It lessens and softens but it is a forever missing.
My oldest son called me late last Father’s Day. I’d gone off to a hotel alone to write but I took his call because seven years in, he’d hit a new stage of grief. He was a brand new father, celebrating this day with his own little boy. He’d just graduated from medical school and landed a competitive residency in the Air Force and although he’d braved graduation and induction and his firstborn’s birth without his dad, it finally hit hard. He missed his dad. He missed his father’s atta-boy. Yes, life was good but someone he longed to celebrate it with was missing. Never in a hundred lifetimes would I tell him to put a period and get over it.
Does it mean we let grief debilitate us? No.
Does it mean we let it keep us from the relationships around us with family and friends and work? No.
Nor do we let grief keep us from framing a new future or enjoying all that God has for us here.
Most days are good. Most days we are smiling real smiles that bubble up from authentic joy.
But there is always a face missing in every family photo, at every evening dinner, at every family holiday, on every family trip, in every family struggle. We grieve what could have been, what we hoped for, what we’ll never see come to pass.
Don’t tell us to get over it.
I’m not writing this because I’m having a hard day of grief but because someone else is. And no one else gets to give you a time limit for your grief.
It’s not only reasonable to grieve five years or fifteen years later, but it’s okay.
Grieving well doesn’t mean you have to get over it. Grieving well means you learn to live with it.
Because newsflash: the death of a loved one does not stop the love. Grief is learning to live with the love and without the loved one and that will always, always trigger loss.
I used to think you get over grief too. I even naively thought it after Dan died. It’s common advice and a general expectation.
But when we know better, we can offer better.
So let’s offer better.
Instead of expecting others to put a period and get over life-altering loss, let’s allow them to put an ellipses . . . or a comma . . . even a question mark some days.
Let’s stand with them five years later or fifteen years later. Let’s weep with them if they weep and rejoice with them if they rejoice.
Let’s acknowledge it’s not grief or joy but grief and joy.
That another spouse or another child never replaces the pain of missing one who has died.
That grieving well means not forcing feelings away but giving them to God when they come.
That ours is not to understand someone else’s grief but to offer grace and prayer when it hits.
That though we grieve with hope, we still grieve.
Look, I’m only seven years in, so I don’t know what it looks like in 15 or 20 years.
But this I know: God knows every detail of our sorrow and He counts every tear.
If God doesn’t shoo away our grief, neither should we.
* * *
ETA: I came back to add this: if you are new to grief, I will be the first to tell you that it won’t always feel like this. Grief is a bear but go to God with every emotion, every question and all your despair. Give yourself grace, look for the good, stay in God’s word, cling to hope and slowly, slowly your grief will lessen and you will begin to see what God has for you in this Chapter 2. You are so loved.
Thank you, Lisa! Yesterday marked 8 years since my lifelong best friend had passed and for some reason, yesterday felt like she had left just, well, yesterday. Some times it’s “easy” and other times hard but grief is unique to each of us and I’m sad to hear some think we can get over it. You said it all so well. Thank you!!!
I’m sorry Melissa. It was such a stark reminder to me to offer compassion on the hard days. It was helpful to me to understand life can be joyful and wonderful and yet, I can miss someone very much.
Thank you for this message! I absolutely agree with you! Everyone grieves in their own way and their own time. I lost a son 15 years ago from a rare cancer. Time helps, but you never get over the loss. Even today when we speak of him I get emotional. Sometimes I cry, but sometimes there is laughter. Our family continues to miss him. It is only through our love of Jesus and our faith that we get through the sad times. We know we will see him again!
I’m so sorry for your loss, Sheila, and so grateful for those memories that make us belly laugh through the tears. Heaven will be sweet!
As always, my heart is so blessed by your post. So many times your words capture exactly what my heart feels. Thank you for sharing! I love and appreciate you sweet Lisa!
Love you back, Beth. You give so much grace and compassion.
Thank you Lisa. Within a short time of loss, I also experienced an accident that altered my health in what looks like a permanent way. So I am experiencing double loss. I am trying to put one foot in front of the other, every day.
Arlene, those kinds of losses are hard. And sometimes moving forward doesn’t look very linear but I’m praying you will continue to trust all that God has for you.
Thank you. Understanding is a balm to the soul.
Mine too. What comfort to know we’re not alone in our feelings.
Lisa, thank you for sharing your heart on this. We don’t ‘get over it’, but there is a time to let go… to release the pain to the Lord so that healing can begin. I have known some who hold on tightly to the sharp edge of pain, and it becomes a comfort in itself simply because it is familiar. They are so afraid of life without the one for whom they grieve that they refuse to move into healing. They hold on to the damaging blade forcing it deeper into the wound denying access to healing. After all, they have a ‘right’ to grieve. Many times they force their companions to walk that road of pain, over and over, and become perpetual victims. This is not healthy grieving. Conversely, I knew an elderly genlteman who lived in an assisted living center with his wife. She died and his grief nearly swamped him. One day he tearfully shared with me that someone had told him it was time to ‘get over it’… it had only been a few weeks! He felt guilty for not being able to do that. I told him that grief looks and feels different for different people. There is no timeline, no formula, no pattern. It will take the time it is going to take. He cried in relief. He needed to be given permission to grieve (isn’t that a sad statement?). There will be times when the pain of loss revisits us, but praise God, it doesn’t have to take up residence. May your message be a reminder to all who read it to walk gently in the presence of another’s pain.
Martha, getting stuck in grief is a real thing and that is not where God wants us. I almost wrote that carrying grief is not being a perpetual victim. Thank you for sharing.
Every hair on your head is counted.
Every smile on your face is seen.
Every tear that falls from your eyes, falls at His feet.
He cares for you…
Yes! I love that God collects all our tears in a bottle — either literally or figureatively. He knows every tear.
This brought tears to my eyes. My husband’s dad died when he was 9, and I see that it marked his life forever. I still occasionally grieve the ending of my parents’ marriage, which happened when I was 11 and marks our lives even now. Your son’s missing his dad as he becomes a father is so normal and sad. I remember how bonded I felt to my parents when I became a mom. So your son must miss his father terribly.
But yes, we learn to live with it and continue walking out God’s plans for our lives.
Both of those are forever losses, Betsy. Thank you for sharing. Seeing the incredible ministry and family your husband is such hope to me for my children — that as they grow and God brings them to their own families and jobs and ministry, the loss of their dad becomes a smaller part of their life. But still a loss.
Thank you for this post. I tell people don’t allow no one to stop your grieving. Its a gift from God if you never loved you never grieve. When you grieve you learn more about yourself. Its a journey and we are never alone. God is walking with us every step until we see them again. They are not in our past but our future.
Yes! It’s the last part of a love relationship. Thank you, Ora.
Lisa, I know that you don’t know the heart of any of your readers, but I just know that God has spoken words of truth to you, for me (and many more I’m sure! I lost my sweet husband 3 months ago and I do trust my Almighty, All-knowing, Personal God for everything!!! I could relate so much to so much of what you said! I’m doing a Grief Support Group at church called “GriefShare”. It is all from the truth in God’s Word! I can say, after just being in it thus far, for 3 sessions that it is much needed but very difficult to work through! It is all about owning our grief and sharing when we’re ready. I would covet your prayers that I hold firmly, God’s truths and allow Him to minister to me ‘in my grief.’ Thank you for being sensible to the Holy Spirit’s leading! I love reading your articles and I love you for sharing! I will be much in prayer for you and your son as you “go through ” your grief process! Thanks again,
In His Care,
Emily
Emily, even though I haven’t lost my husband, your words struck me and I just wanted you to know that you and yours are in my thoughts and prayers. You are doing the right thing. Lean on God. He IS your all in all and He will be there to see you through the hard times.
With love
Praying for you now, Emily, and putting your name in my journal to pray for. GriefShare is a great ministry. I’m so sorry for your deep loss. God WILL tenderly walk with you through this and take care of you. xoxo
Grief AND joy! Yes, that’s so important to remember…joy and pain can co-exist in Jesus.
It is. It was another surprise of grief. Thanks, Allison!
Thanks for a great post. I’m really stunned that anyone said something so heartless on Christian Radio (tho, I shouldn’t be. I’ve heard it before) It is true, we never “get over” having a loved one in Heaven when we’re still here. Not until we see each other again – in God’s good time, when He decides that OUR work here is over- will we be whole again. I appreciate your words.
Yes. Part of our heart is missing for sure! So grateful we grieve with hope. xoxo
Never, ever, have I received comfort from someone who says “just get over it.” Nor have I “learned anything” from those words. People should be careful with their words. The pain is real, even when God is close to you and helping you. The book of Job is a great example. However, if you don’t know Christ as your Savior, I can’t imagine how you get through such painful loss. I know God feels our pain and loves us through it. Grief is like waves in the ocean. Sometimes it’s calm, yet other times, its’s large, heavy and relentless. Above all, be kind – to everyone. We don’t know what they’re going through. We may find ourselves in that same ocean one day. So, be kind.
The analogy to ocean waves is such a good one. It’s such a lesson in kindness and compassion, isn’t it? We just don’t know what we don’t know.
Only one year in for myself after 32 years of marriage but what I know to be true is that everyone’s journey is unique to themselves. There is no right or wrong of “how” to do this “grief walk.” Yes, you need support and it helps tremendously, but the devastating and crushing loneliness I know will never go away. What I’d like people to understand is that if I have a really bad day where I’m overwhelmed with my physical loss it doesn’t mean I’m “stuck” in my grieving but please understand it’s “part” of the grieving “process.” It doesn’t mean we’re going backwards. Those who have journeyed longer than I tell me eventually it won’t be all-encompassing, every single thought throughout the day, every sleepless night after the next. And so-called stages of grief? No such thing. Doesn’t sound like it makes sense but I sometimes feel a dozen emotions at the same time. It is, though, important not to have a spirit of grief paralyze you. It’s work. But Christ understands all, sees every tear and it is because He lives that I can face tomorrow!!
I agree with your friends who are further down the grief road. It’s brutal at the beginning — every waking moment and some of the sleeping ones! The good days do come, you find yourself smiling and truly having joy, but then there are troughs of deep grief. But we have to go through them to keep moving forward. I’m so sorry for your deep loss. xoxo
Aunt Esther grieved for almost 40 years before she went Home. When she needed someone to listen, she called me and I went. She taught, by example, “Grief takes as long as it takes.” Less than 6 months after Dave, my husband, died a self-proclaimed witch e-mailed, “It’s been 6 months; don’t you think you should be over it by now?” I wondered at her need to claim she was a witch as I thought it to be fairly evident.
It’s now been almost 7 years and I’ll “get over it” when God finishes bringing me through it.
Tu me manques bien-aimée
Eek! That’s awful Sandra! Seven years seems like a long time, but then again, not when you’re grieving someone who changed your whole heart.
Beautiful, my friend. This one sentence wrapped itself right around me: “But she would never get over the grief of losing her two teen daughters in an accident; she learned to live alongside it.” Living alongside it. Yes. Very much so. Although I’ve not lost a child or husband, Dad’s passing brought its share of grief. Thank God we serve One who comforts in a way no other can. He makes the “living alongside it” bearable and hope-filled. Love you and am thankful you love enough to write powerful words like these in response.
Yes, we learn to live with the love and without the loved one. Thank you, Kristi.
Get over it was probably a bad choice of words. I agree you have to go on with life and keep loving memories, that is still a little grief. But I have seen it actually destroy a person’s life. I don’t believe God wants anyone to sit isolated, grieving her parents, who passed fifteen and forty years earlier. I have had my own experience with it, I had really suffered and asked for prayer. Later, I had a dream that my mother was taking a baby (me) away from a woman in a shroud. My grief subsided and I won’t go back. I urge people to use caution about dreams, to have an understanding of spiritual gifts and have a trusted prayer warrior. I believe there is a natural grief, and a spiritual one, and the first can become the second and be debilitating, you can keep memories and still enjoy life, I believe in healing but recently had a friend to pass, she believed too but just grew tired of a third battle with cancer, she was 51. I grieved over that and found it hard to go back and pray for people, but I do, she would want me to. Her sister said she wanted to be remembered for loving Jesus. So do I, and He is the one to give you joy for mourning.
He does give us joy and hope for abundant life on the other side of grief. It’s a promise. You are right that we cann’t stay in that debilitating place of deep grief — that is not what God has for us. I’m so sorry for your losses, Rebecca, and see that you are choosing and have chosen to keep moving forward. .
Lisa – thank you for sharing this post. Thank you for writing the truth. I can’t even image telling someone to get over it, we each process loss differently and in seasons. Thank you for sharing – I am your neighbor today at Faith On Fire.
PS.. if you are looking for another place to link to on Thursday’s I would love if you would consider joining my linkup #TuneInThursday – it opens Thursday 3am PST and runs through Sunday night. you can find it at debbiekitterman.com/blog (Please feel free to delete the link if you think it inappropriate).
We do process differently and it’s one of the good lessons I’m glad to have. Thank you for sharing, Debbie!
THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS! For those who are grieving and those who walk alongside those who are. Both audiences benefit from this truth. Years ago when we were suffering our baby losses, so many people told me, in different ways, that Jesus was the answer. And they weren’t wrong in that, but they all were missing my grief that is/was very real. And Jesus himself wept over a man He knew He was about to bring back to life. I love that He modeled that for us! Love you, your writing, and your heart for the Lord!
Yes to all of this. We mean so well, but just giving each other grace to grieve is huge. I’m sorry for those losses, Darby, and remembering with you your babies.
I am in the midst of grief over our 4th child. It has been a month and a half since my miscarriage and there are no words to describe this pain. I too feel like I should be over it, but some days are better than others. There will always be a child missing in our family and that is the heartbreak I feel. Right now people’s words can either help or hurt this situation. I just hope I can be sensitive to other’s and their grief and pain and simply stand beside them and love them like I need right now.
Amen Lisa! Thank you.
I once attended a women’s Bible study at a neighboring church with a friend and was introduced to an elderly lady there. During the introductions, my friend stated, “This is Mrs. So-and-so, she lost her husband 7 years ago.” The little lady adamantly replied, “Oh, I haven’t lost him, I know exactly where he is!” This occurred 2 years before the sudden loss of my own husband at the age of 43, and I have received great comfort from these words over the years.
Yes! And it’s so comforting to know that our loved ones are with God face to face, while we are here with God this side of the veil.