Grief & Healing Archives - True and Faithful

7 Ways Children Grieve

07.25.2019 By Lisa Appelo 9 Comments

One of THE hardest things after my husband died was not only dealing with my grief, but watching my children try to grapple with theirs.

My youngest two kids were 4 and 6 years old; I had three coming-of-age boys (12, 14 and 16 years old) who needed their dad; a 17-year-old daughter who was her daddy’s girl through and through; and a just launched 19-year-old son.

I learned early on that children grieve differently.

Children grieve differently than adults.
Teens grieve differently than preschoolers.
Boys grieve differently than girls.

Even two kids the same age with the same loss can grieve differently because of personality, experience, their home environment or their relationship with the one who’s died.

Kids can suffer many kinds of loss – the death of a sibling, grandparent or parent; a chronic diagnosis for themselves or a family member; a devastating divorce; adoption loss; or even a move that takes them away from friends, school and the familiar.

As a parent navigating our kids through grief, discerning signs of our that grief can be difficult.

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Surrendering Our Children To God Means Surrending Their Entitled Life

07.11.2019 By Lisa Appelo 14 Comments

It was by all accounts an idyllic day.

The sky arching over the ocean was clear cerulean blue after a week of heavy clouds and drenching afternoon downpours. Low tide provided a wide expanse of sand with warm pools edging the sandbars which stalled the tumbling shore breaks.

My two high school boys, backs turned to the sun, had fallen asleep on their towels after a morning deep-sea fishing and I sat in the shade of a large umbrella, alternately keeping tabs on the younger two in the water and the book downloaded to my phone.

Glancing up, I watched my youngest son carry a surf board up from the water. His dad’s surfboard. How many days had I watched his dad walking up this same beach, carrying that same board after a long surf session?

I lingered over this long-legged boy coming up the beach. He’ll be 13 next month. A coming of age without his dad.

Familiar regret colored my thoughts. His dad should have been here. He should have been here to teach him how to surf, to give pointers on throwing the perfect cast net, to help him move from boy to man.

This is not the good life I wanted for you, my heart grieved.

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Why Comparing Grief is Meaningless

07.09.2019 By Lisa Appelo 9 Comments

You’ve got to be kidding me, I thought as I scrolled past the words on my feed.

My heart sunk as I scrolled the post on my feed. An aquaintance had posted a picture of her beloved family pet they had put down that morning. “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through,” she wrote.

I don’t doubt it was hard or even the hardest thing she’d gone through yet. But her statement caught me short.

At once, I compared our loss to her.

I’d been reeling from the sudden death of my husband at 47 years old. Every dream and plan we’d had together had been buried with him. I’d not only walked through my excruciating grief but watched our seven children push through theirs.

I’d faced countless decisions on my own. I’d learned how to fix the washer and how to manage a rental house which was way outside my skillset. I’d parented tough seasons with my kids alone, begged God to help me raise them to adults and spent night after lonely night with the ache of missing.

It had taken God’s grace and everything in me to let go of the life we had and take hold of the new life that was.

I knew the death of a family pet was hard, but her words stung as I instinctively compared our hardest loss with hers.

Now before you think I’m a completely awful friend, my spirit immediately checked me (and I felt like a heel). I knew comparison was meaningless and my reaction was wrong.

This wasn’t the first time I’d been tempted to compare loss.

After my husband’s death, I heard many well-meaning offers of understanding. “I know what you’re feeling. My husband was deployed for 18 months.” Or “I went through this after my great-aunt died.”

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7 Days of Hope for Your Shattered Heart — FREE for you!

07.03.2019 By Lisa Appelo 1 Comment

What does it really mean for a Christian to grieve with hope?

Because I know what it is to wake up one day to a life you never expected.

I know what it is to face a future that’s not only unwanted but utterly shapeless without the person you always assumed you’d grow old with.

I know what it is to care less about the pains of hunger because the pain of loss hurts so much more.

I know what it is to look into the eyes of your children, unable to fix their pain and fearful for what loss will do to them.

But I also know hope.

And hope isn’t a birthday wish we conjure up with eyes squeezed shut. Hope isn’t knocking on wood or crossing our fingers that what we want just might come true if everything aligns for us.

Hope is anchored in a person.

Christ is our Hope.

When feelings are screaming different, when the enemy is whispering lies, when our circumstances are shouting defeat – Hope still reigns because Christ still rules.

We can’t control our circumstances. Try as we might to steer our dreams and white-knuckle our kids and live responsibly with seat belts and sunscreen and savings accounts, life can dish up some hard when we least expect it.

And as believers, we don’t get a pass on the hard.

But we do get a say in how we handle the hard.

While we can’t control our circumstances, we can control what we do in the circumstances.

That’s why I’ve put together a free resource called 7 Days of Hope for Your Shattered Heart.

When your heart is broken, how do you move forward when you can’t begin to fathom the next step let alone next week?

You give the pieces of your broken heart and life and loss to God.

Moving through grief and loss is excruciating work, the hardest I’ve ever done, but if we will do the hard work of lifting our shattered hearts to God, we can trust him to put them together again.

These aren’t platitudes to bandage over the gaping wounds of loss to just get on with life.

I know God fixes broken hearts because he’s reconstructed mine. It doesn’t look like what it did. I’m different, softer in many ways and stronger in others. I see things differently. I’ve learned what to let go of and what to cling to.

I haven’t done it perfectly, but I have been a student of grief and loss for the last few years.

I’ve seen firsthand how many are walking through days with shattered hearts. We desperately need to know God will take care of us and we will see joy again.

But it won’t just happen.

We have to take intentional steps to move forward in hope.

7 Days of Hope for Your Shattered Heart will lead you through 7 proactive steps to help you fully grieve your pain or loss and take hold of the hope we have in Christ.

Each day has an encouraging step rooted in scripture followed by application questions, space to journal your response and a prayer.

I’m thrilled to make this available. It is my heart for you and a hand held out to help you move forward in loss.

You can get a copy of 7 Days of Hope for Your Shattered Heart when you subscribe to email here. After you’ve subscribed, check your email for a link to download your copy of 7 Days of Hope for Your Shattered Heart.

I’ve already prayed for you and I am rooting for you. God has much for you because he delights in reshaping shattered hearts given fully to him.

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8 Things I’ve Learned in 8 Years of Grief

06.17.2019 By Lisa Appelo 68 Comments

Eight years ago today, I woke up to the biggest living nightmare I’ve walked. I thought my husband was having a nightmare as I woke to his irregular breathing, but it turned out to be a massive heart attack caused by an underlying condition we had no idea was there.

The day before, life had been blissfully ordinary. We were in the Keys on his work trip and then driving home along the coast as we reminisced, he made work calls and we stopped for lunch at a small restaurant where we’d dated all the way back in high school.

On June 17, life forever changed for 8 of us. I kissed Dan for the last time, slipped off his wedding band and memorized every feature of the face I’d loved since I was a girl of 16.

Our seven kids lost an incredible father that day. Fathers provide security for their families and life felt fragile and thin without him. We’ve missed his strong hands clapping the boys’ backs and slipped around his girls’ fingers. We’ve missed hearing him come in the back door after work; his easy smile; his steady, sunny take on life; his godly leadership and mentoring.

Eight years is both a long time and so short. I’ve learned so much. I’m a different girl than I was 8 years ago.

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