Eight years ago today, I woke up to the biggest living nightmare I’ve walked. I thought my husband was having a nightmare as I woke to his irregular breathing, but it turned out to be a massive heart attack caused by an underlying condition we had no idea was there.
The day before, life had been blissfully ordinary. We were in the Keys on his work trip and then driving home along the coast as we reminisced, he made work calls and we stopped for lunch at a small restaurant where we’d dated all the way back in high school.
On June 17, life forever changed for 8 of us. I kissed Dan for the last time, slipped off his wedding band and memorized every feature of the face I’d loved since I was a girl of 16.
Our seven kids lost an incredible father that day. Fathers provide security for their families and life felt fragile and thin without him. We’ve missed his strong hands clapping the boys’ backs and slipped around his girls’ fingers. We’ve missed hearing him come in the back door after work; his easy smile; his steady, sunny take on life; his godly leadership and mentoring.
Eight years is both a long time and so short. I’ve learned so much. I’m a different girl than I was 8 years ago.
8 things I’ve learned in 8 years of grief.
1.I’m glad I don’t know the future.
We think we want to see ahead. To know how all the days and chapters of life will play out. But I’m so glad God doesn’t let us see it.
We lived thousands of ordinary days protected by blissful unknowing. We threw our whole selves into full life without holding anything back because we didn’t know it would end early. We made dreams and stepped into some of them because we thought they’d always be there. It wouldn’t be easier if we knew tomorrow. God in his kindness only lets us see this day and this moment so we can live it full and rich and free of what tomorrow brings.
2. Every celebration is laced with loss.
The highest moments of celebration – the weddings, new babies, birthdays, holidays and graduations – are a mix. There’s laughter and gratitude, lots of love and joy, but also someone missing we’d desperately love to share it with. His smile is missed in every family snapshot, his gift is missed under the tree, his presence is missed in the pew.
3. His life and his death made me better.
I am not the girl I was 8 years ago and as much as I miss Dan, I wouldn’t want to go back to the old me. I’ve seen God in ways I’d never give back. I’ve learned what matters and what doesn’t. I think parts of me are softer than before and parts are stronger. I am better because Dan lived, better because he loved me, better for having lived through his death.
4. I carry him with me every day.
Though life moves on without Dan physically here, he is with me in so many ways. Not that I communicate with him.; I know he’s absent from this life and present with the Lord. But I see him reflected in my children’s faces, their passions, their personalities. The memories we made, the inside jokes we got, the foundation he laid for our family are with me every day. I carry him with me as I press on with the vision we had for our children and help them remember their dad with stories and traditions we made together.
5. Desperately dependent on God is the best place to be.
Only in my darkest season did I discover where God wanted me all along – desperately dependent on him. God created us for a relationship of complete dependence. For years, I gave him parts of me, trusted him in spurts and in seasons when I needed him.
When life imploded, I had no choice. All of me, all of my parenting and decisions and excruciating pain needed God. I want to stay here forever. When life feels better, don’t let me move one inch away, I’ve begged God. How I pray I will forever begin every day with the declaration that “This is too hard. I need You so desperately.”
6. God can reshape a broken heart.
God never puts a broken heart given to him back the same way. God has reshaped my broken heart in countless ways. He’s given me deep compassion. He gave me a window to his agape love – where he knows us fully and loves us completely. He’s taught me gratitude in the midst of pain and cemented my faith when I can’t yet see it. And once my heart was broken open, it was ready for God to clean out all manner of junk.
7. There’s a difference between grieving with and without hope.
Both are excruciating. Both take us to depths of overwhelming physical pain, missing, emotions and loss. Grieving with hope doesn’t mean pasting on a smile. Grieving with hope means that in the depths of despair, in our loneliest moments, in untenable pain — we can cling to God’s sustaining grace. We can cling to his promises when circumstances are screaming different. And we can cling to the heavenly hope that lies beyond this life.
8. Agonizing loss does not prevent breathtaking life.
This is what I would tell the girl I was eight years ago. Hang on. Do the hard work of tending your broken heart but know this: Life will widen around the loss and though never eclipsing it, new life will mollify it. In eight years, I’ve watched my kids find new passions and realize their dreams. We’ve laughed and loved around a dining table while missing Dan at its head. We’ve moved into an unfolding Chapter 2 and found it holds life abundant. We’ve had engagements and weddings, birthdays, graduations and babies. There have been surprises and deep satisfaction. God has filled an unbucket list I never wrote.
God bless you. You are an inspiration. Thank you.
God has comforted us with the only real comfort that can move us forward. I’m forever grateful!
The loss of our daughter who was murdered 4 years ago has been accompanied by a trial of the murder accused, her husband. Our two grandsons have not only lost their mother, but also their father. We know God has been there for us, our whole family – my 2 sons and their families and close friends who have been deeply affected and traumatised. We thank the Lord for his mercy and grace, strength and peace, the love and support of our church family and friends and a just God. Our trial continuous next Wed 10 – 15 July for judgement. Thank you and God bless you🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Oh wow! My heart, prayers, and thoughts go out to you and your family! I can’t even begin to imagine what your family, and especially your grandchildren, have been put through! I am so very sorry. How utterly awful! God bless you all and keep you in His perfect peace. I will keep you in my prayers.
Thank you Leah, the trial was postponed once again to 19 Sept for judgement and I dare not ask God why !
Thank you Lisa. Since Keli passed away (3 years on July 11) I struggle with a broken heart every day. I don’t go around like a sad sack or cry all the time but my heart is forever broken. I know Keli is with Jesus and that gives me comfort and I know that He knows what’s best for all of us, so I find peace in knowing that He is in control. Dan was a great guy and I am proud to have known him. I guess God had a plan for him that is greater than we could ever know.
God Bless You and your wonderful family
It’s a pain no mama should ever have to endure. Just gut-wrenching and while the world sails on, the pain lingers even as it lessens. Praying for you Carol as you grieve missing Keli.
Lisa,
Your words are like Band-aids on our broken hearts, and when we process & truly let them sink in … your words are healing and life-changing.
Thank you so much! 💕
Kristin
So grateful, Kristin. Grief is brutal work, but God is so present with us in it.
God bless you on this anniversary date…and thank you for being willing to share your journey – and your heart with us. It has…and continues to be…inspirational, helpful, encouraging and God-honoring!! We have never met – but you have been a blessing to me!!
Thank you, Jennifer! Love that this web connects us in ways we woudn’t know otherwise!
There’s no better place to be but totally dependent on Him. It’s the getting us there that is hard. Thinking of you. Hugs, friend 💕
Yes it is. That surrender often comes because of a high cost, but God so uses it for our good.
Than you for honestly sharing your experience. When you could have continued to live in the past, you’ve chosen to live in the present. Your writing expresses your love for Jesus and your faithful trust in Him.💗 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
You are right that it’s a choice made over and over in the dark. But God is faithful to bring light.
Thank you Lisa I ask god every day to guide me and keep me strong. Only seven months since my husband of 65years died. Trying to understand life without him thank god for my children Love your messages.
Seven months in, the pain is still so raw. Every single thing is new and hollow. But you are so right — God brings joy through our children in the midst of that grief.
Thank you for sharing another beautiful testimony, Lisa. I have followed you quietly for many years now because you are able to express such wisdom, hope and grace through your journey and complete dependence on God. I remember the Sunday very well when my Aunt Sherri shared with me her grief about you losing Dan so suddenly. I couldn’t imagine a loss so huge and am thankful God spared me knowing the future that I would lose my loving husband just 2 years later, 6/24/19. What a blessing you have been to me from afar, and I suspect also to countless other women. Thank you for devoting this part of your life journey with us all! Many hugs to you and your beautiful family, Tammy
Tammy, I’m so sorry for your loss. This is the club we never wanted. Wow, you are walking through every first right now and grappling with a life you didn’t expect. God WILL take care of you. He is so present to the broken hearted and that is the only anesthesia we have for the searing pain of loss. I am praying for you now.
Lisa
You are an Incredible Amazing Woman. May God Bless You and Your Family Always.
Thank you for your encouragement, Dawn.
God bless you for sharing your journey. It’s a big help for me as I travel on my journey. Thank you for reminding me that God will never leave us.
He did not get us this far to drop us now. Blessings to you, Dorthie.
Thank you for sharing! Glad for you to put the words to my heart cry.❤️❤️❤️
Yes, praying for you!
Thank you for your encouraging words. Today is my one year anniversary of the loss of my beloved Winsley. I so appreciate your wisdom and insight. Words to live on, move forward with and tenderly guide wounded hearts like mine. Thank you again.
Heather, cannot believe we share this date in common. I’m praying for you now and know that God will continue to walk you through and bring you a new song.
❤️
Thank you, friend.
November 5th marks eight years since Dave went Home to the Lord. We were together 22 years, married 16 of those years, and every Sunday I would ask, “Would you like to go to church with me today?” and he would say, “No, not today but ask me next week; I might change my mind.” He’d been fighting cancer for more than a year but was told he had 18 months to live. One Monday morning he called me to his side. “How do I make my peace with God?” I told him, he did and five days later, almost to the minute, on Saturday morning, he dropped dead of a heart attack.
I agree with every word you wrote. God bless you, yours and the work of your hands and heart.
Sandra, what an incredible gift! Wow. I know looking back you see the hand of God all over him and you. Thank you for sharing.
I love #8! Living it too!
Yes!
This is your best writing Lisa. Anyone who has experienced loss would be moved and encouraged by your testimony. This should be published..and I predict will be. Love you, and what God has accomplished through you! And He’s not done yet!
You’re such an encourager, Sherri. You are one of my heroes!
I agree Sherri. This is excellent and helpful. Memorable, hopeful.
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing, Lisa. I have not experienced such a loss, but often wonder (not for long) what I will do if my husband dies before me. I want to entrust all fully to God, but it is so easy to say that now. I will tell my loving Heavenly Father that and hopefully tepeat it frequently, each time with more trust and confidence. 🙂 Praise God for you, Lisa, and for those who have read your encouraging words and those who have commented here.
Cindy, I’ve learned that God gives us grace for each moment as we need it. So grateful we can count on his sustaining grace no matter what!
Your pain is our gain, Lisa! Thank you.
One day, in heaven, we will all understand Dan’s story through the eyes of his creator. And, you and your amazing children will see the powerful impact your lives have had on so many!
Your writing and your story have only begun to change the world we live in.
It makes me smile to remember friends who knew Dan. 🙂 You are right that knowing this life isn’t all there is gives us such hope.
Thank you Lisa, for using your incredible story of unbelievable loss to help others who may be going through the same. God is amazing in His care for our hearts, even when we don’t feel it, He is there.
Yes! I think I felt like I was desperately holding onto God on the hardest days, but he was really holding us all along. I will forever praise God for his goodness to us.
God’s testimony through your difficult journey…oh Lisa. He is good. Keeping you and the Appelo crew in prayer this week, my friend.
Thank you, Kristi!
You write so honestly and beautifully. While I can’t imagine what you have experienced, I can feel the joy and sadness mixed together. Thank you for sharing! ❤
It’s just that, Alison — joy right in the midst of grief. Thank you.
This is beautiful in so many ways, Lisa.
Thank you, Katie, for your kind words.
I agree with another commenter that this is your best writing yet. I feel both your sorrow and your joy. Thank you for sharing!
Melissa, thank you for that. Praying God uses all He’s taught me for others just beginning their own journey of grief or loss.
You are such a beautiful testimony of trusting Jesus not just in a life storm, but a life altering hurricane! 💕you Lisa!
Thank you, Libby! Love you back!
Beautifully written and filled with godly gems.
Thank you, Pauline. I’m grateful for every one of these lessons.
Lisa, I would like to get a copy of the eight lessons on grief. I lost my husband in February and we had been married 51 years.jean
Hi Jean, can you print out this page? That might be the easiest way. I’m so sorry for your deep loss. That kind of deep love creates such missing. I’m praying for you now.
Thanks so much for your words! I am a little over a month out in the grieving process! I so realize I need to rely on God to get me through this process! Nice to see your words and know I will see God’s hand a long the way!
Karla, I’m sorry for your loss! God can reconstruct a broken heart but it takes daily work and giving all our pieces to him. There are no shortcuts, but He will do it. I’m praying for you even as I type this out.
I also became a widow 5 years ago on June 12, 2014 from my husband having an instant heart attack, which was 6 months after loosing my father to an quick and aggressive cancer. It was so very difficult and the only way I have made it to this point is thru my faith in Jesus Christ. You hit the top 8 lessons learned head on. I am not nor do I want to be the same person as then. God has shaped me and continues to be my daily guide. Thank you for your words and may God bless you and your family for years to come.
Oh Sharon, that’s a lot of loss. Five years is both a long time but so short. I wouldn’t have known that before. I’m grateful these resonated with you!
Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your story and the photos of your beautiful family. You are an inspiration and encourage each of us to live fully as we rely on God to be our everything. Blessings to you, fellow hope*writer! 💖
Thank you Laura! I appreciate your encouragement!
Truly understand and love what you are saying! May Hod continue to bless you and your family!❤️
I’m sorry for your loss, Pam. Blessings to you.
Thanks for sharing your painful but Beautiful Experience!
I’m grateful to be this side of such raw pain and seeing all God has done in it!
“an unbucket list I never wrote” – I love this, I’ve never liked the bucket list idea, now I think your insight tells my heart its because God’s plans are so much better than anything I could think I want to do.
Yes, exactly! I love seeing the unbucket list God fills! Glad to see you, Paris Renae!
beautifully written, thank you Lisa for sharing such an intimate and personal part of your life. You are such an inspiration, God bless you and your family 🙂
Thank you, Eme. I would have despair had the Lord not walked me through.
Thank you Lisa. I identified so well. Sudden andclufe changing and 7 1/2 years later my husband’s fingerprints are all over every celebration and routine day— but so are God’s and His profound faithfulness and strength. Blessings as you continue to move forward.
😭So grateful for you Ms. Lisa. The one year for me is coming up next month. Thank you for this. Praying for you in the week ahead.
(And by the way, I really love your new logo! Turned out awesome!)
So many firsts, Danita. You’re still slogging through the hardest part and from watching you friend, I can see it’s not easy but it is the way forward. Praying for you and the girls as you miss your Dan.
I’ve read through several times already. Thank you so much for writing it. I can hardly begin to describe the many ways I relate. Desperate for Him… yeah. That’s what always happens in the “dark” places of hope. This piece is helpful because of the dark places I walk(ed) through, the shadow of pain and death constantly hanging over me. There’s too much to say, but it provides some sense of normalcy and understanding to others’ experiences, as well as my own. I am finding deeper peace as I accept myself and my situation more, and lean in to listen to what the next right steps are. Encouraged by your words.
Seeing that our emotions and reactions are “normal” is its own comfort. Yes and amen, to finding deep peace despite something we never expected or wanted.
Lisa…this is such an important piece. I read it last year, but for some reason, there are some points that I’m mulling over now in a new way. I’m so grateful you have opened your heart in transparency and honesty so we can learn about the process of grief. Blessings, beautiful friend. xo
Beautiful, beautiful, painful, glorious truths. I relate and completely understand. Keep writing, Dear Sister.
Mardy, I’ve prayed for you so much. It makes my heart hurt that you get this, and yet God is deeper still. Xoxo
I was somehow directed to this page when I looking up which dog would make a good emotional support. My beloved husband passed away 3 years ago unexpectedly and at first, I was angry with him, with the world even with God because I have always been a trusted follower and never prejudge and always tried my best to live right by God. Then one day I wake up and kiss my husband goodbye not knowing that by 3:00 that afternoon he would be gone forever. How could God do this to us! I was left with two kids and a niece I had to raise to see my sister die the year before was just too much. They say God never gives you anything you can’t handle and he is just preparing me for something greater. Well at that moment I was screaming “I can’t handle THIS!”
Then I came across your message and I know you have no idea who I am, but I want to say THANK YOU. I have made my peace with God and I am working on again waiting for him and trusting in him that he knows what he is doing I just need to be patient. Thank you for sharing your story and God thank you for directing me to this site.
December 11 was 3 years since my husband passed. I have found God has sustained me everyday. Your words are a comfort. I know God has a plan for me. Our wedding anniversary is coming up and I find that God gives me joy and peace knowing I will be with him in God’s time. Thank you for your prayers and understanding.
Tammy, we need each other for comfort, don’t we? Getting through the first and second years are for many the hardest. I pray that as your grief softens, you see God opening up so much new life for you. Praying for many warm memories as you go through the anniversary without your husband. Blessings to you. xoxo