I confess that I spent many years absolutely clueless as to how to really help someone who was grieving. I had no experience on which to draw. Though I could sincerely mourn with those who were mourning, I felt sincerely inept as to what to do or say. It was just awkward for me and I usually felt completely out of my element.
So I am forever grateful for friends and family who have helped us grieve well. Their tenderness, their presence and their practical help made our first days and weeks after Dan’s death a much softer landing.
I’ve often thought back to how little I knew about grieving. I remember delivering a meal to a hushed house where hospice had been called in and as I cast about for just the right words, they still felt wrong.
While I wish I’d had more understanding, Maya Angelou says, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
In that spirit, I’d like to offer these 20 ways to really help the grieving.
How to Help Someone Grieving Early On
1. Show Up. One of the best ways to help is to go and visit. Your presence speaks louder than words ever will. While it’s natural to wonder whether you’ll be in the way, it’s best to go and leave quietly if it’s not a good time to visit.
2. If you can’t visit – call, text, send a message. If a visit isn’t possible, let them know you care for them and are praying for them through a phone call, a text, message or card.
3. Listen. Your best gift is a compassionate ear. Someone who is grieving has volumes to process and listening shows compassion and helps in the healing. “…he who restrains his lips is wise.” {Proverbs 10:19b}
4. Give a hug and say I love you. There are no magic words. A hug and an “I love you” go a long way when someone’s heart is broken.
5. Don’t share your story. Just don’t. Now is not the time to pile on, compare or outdo with your own grief story.
6. Don’t explain it away. God didn’t need another angel more than we needed a husband and father. Yes, I affirm that God will work all things together for good but that doesn’t negate the very real bad I feel right now.
7. Look for need. Saying “Call me if you need anything” is like watching your neighbor’s house burn while sipping coffee from your kitchen window. Their home is burning. There’s plenty of need to step in and help with.
8. Say the name. Don’t be scared to say the name of the deceased. It doesn’t make it worse and it doesn’t remind people of their grief. Universally, people who are grieving long to hear the name of the loved one they are mourning.
9. Share memories. If it’s appropriate, share a favorite memory of the loved one. It’s deeply healing to hear stories about someone you are missing. If there isn’t time or it’s not an appropriate setting to share memories, write them down and send them later with a card. They will be a cherished treasure.
10. Don’t say that you know how they feel. Your great aunt Edna’s cousin’s death is not the same. It just isn’t. Even similar situations can involve different emotions. See #3. And #4.
11. It’s okay to feel helpless. The truth is, you can’t fix the pain. That is why we’re called simply to weep with those who weep. {Romans 12:15b.} Don’t try to fill the void with words.
How to Help Someone Grieving Long-Term
12. Send pictures. Pull pictures you may have of the deceased and send them along with a card.
13. Make a meal – enough for them to eat hot on the first night and freeze leftovers for a second night. Stay for dinner? You’ll have to feel that one out. Some families will welcome the company, while others crave privacy to grieve.
14. Bring paper goods. With the stress and extra workload that often comes with a loss, paper plates and utensils keep meals and cleanup simple.
15. Pray. This is both an immediate and long-term need. Commit to cover the family in prayer for an extended period. We asked friends who were willing to pray for us for a year; we could feel the prayers and rest in the covering. Put a reminder on your phone to pray for the grieving family on a certain day each week.
16. Lend your expertise. You may be able to help with the lawn or social security or banking or another area. If you see the need, don’t wait to be asked because it may never happen.
17. Give books. Grief brings enormous change and uncertainty. Books on grief, memoirs from others in similar situations and devotionals give insight and practical help.
18. Remember special days. Send cards for some of the hard days and difficult firsts – birthdays, anniversaries and special holidays.
19. Invite them into your home. Fellowship with friends and sharing laughter adds some bright spots to a difficult road and hints at the healing to come .
20. Don’t assume they’re all better. Don’t rush grief and don’t place outside expectations on it. Grief is a long, non-linear process. While there will be a slow return to a new normal, grief for a loved one lasts forever.
Wow, Lisa. Just wow. This is such a helpful post. I never thought of taking paper goods. Also sending cards on those special days that now have become harder days is good. Sometimes I’m tempted to share my own story (not so much with death, but with other hardships) and you’re reminding me it’s just better not to. Better to listen. May God multiply the blessing that goes out from these words. Pinning.
I’m tempted as well, Betsy, and have to remember to just listen and not solve.
I love and appreciate your wisdom. This is very important information. Thank you for sharing.
Your welcome, Paulette.
This is the best I have read on this very difficult subject. Thank you, Lisa…this is so practical.
Thank you, Janice. I know you’ve seen this in ministry and in your own walk. <3
You’re warming my heart this morning, Lisa. What a great list! I’ll be sharing this one. #raralinkup
Thank you, friend.
Lisa, excellent my friend. I will copy and save this as a reminder. Thank you so much for these wise words!
xoxo
Thank you, Christy!
Lisa- Thank you so much for writing this post. I always wonder ” how can I help?”and this is so helpful to have practical insight on how to help someone who is grieving. You are a wonderful writer & I admire your transparency & honesty about what you have gone through. We love you & your family & I will be intentionally praying for all of you!
Thank you, Marcie! I love what others have added to the list below.
Could I add another suggestion? Purchase a dozen or so inexpensive cards that just say “Hi” or “Thinking of you” add just a smile…no name. Disguise your handwriting or print the address and mail once a week or so. They will be surprised ar first but then look forward to it each week or so. You can of course also do this for a terminally ill person. Who cares if they ever know who sent them!
Barbara, what a sweet idea. Anonymous gifts always feel as if they’ve come straight from God.
Such wonderful reminders and so timely as a friend just lost an adult son to suicide.
Oh, that is so hard, Monique. Praying now for his family.
Love this! Number 1 and 5 are so, so, so important to remember. I think our natural inclination is to run away, avoid or try to relate by sharing what we’ve experienced. These tips of yours are going to help and bless so many, my dear friend! <3
You are so right, Lauren. Showing up and listening force us to trust them to God.
Lisa, may I add something to your already very helpful list? Our family is shell-shocked from the recent passing of my dad. My daughter’s friend did the absolutely most incredible thing. She brought bags and bags and BAGS of groceries to our home within 24 hrs; everything I would need to provide for the many out of state relatives and friends who would not only be visiting in our home but also lodging with us for several days. She provided snack foods for the kids, bags and bags of assorted chips and dips, several bottles of soda, apples, cuties (those “cute” little orange thingys), assorted breakfast breads and muffins, 2 gallons of milk, large pkg of napkins, 6 rolls of paper towel (the GOOD stuff), toilet tissue (HUGE package!)…again, the GOOD stuff, super sized package of heavy duty paper plates, plastic tableware, on and on. I wish I had taken a picture of the kitchen table completely covered with her gifts of love. Not only did this beautiful young woman provide a month’s worth of groceries, she provided two days worth of casseroles ready for the oven with ALL the fixings…salad, salad dressing, garlic bread, you name it. We’re now six weeks past that point, and we are still reaping the benefits of her enormous heartfelt act of love. Love is TRULY and action word. She covered so many of the bases you mentioned in your blog and certainly was (and continues to be) the hands and feet of Jesus.
I’m so glad you added this, Pam. What loving ministry in the hard for you all. What a picture of how we are to function as the body of Christ. <<3
I have printed out a copy of this to keep handy. So simple and so practical yet so perfect. That is one situation where feeling awkward and uneasy is the norm . . . and that is when we most often want to “do” something to counter those feelings. This “do” list will help me and, hopefully, be a blessing to the recipient.
I appreciate this gift from the voice of experience. Bless you, Lisa.
So great, Lisa. These are both practical and entirely heartfelt. Looking for need – that is one of my favorite. Often there isn’t strength enough to ask, so being watchful and helping where we can is such a great way to care. Thanks for sharing friend. So fun that I got to be your neighbor at #tellhisstory today. xo
Thank you so much. I translated it to my language and it is very useful. I love #9. My sis and me often share memories about her little son who died when he was 6. Also #18 is very good! I have learned new things here. Thank you so much!!!
Hello Lisa,
Really an awesome article post indeed. 🙂
Your post is an inspiration for so many people. We should help each other in all the ways.
“I don’t want to live in the kind of world where we don’t look out for each other. Not just the people that are close to us, but anybody who needs a helping hand. I cant change the way anybody else thinks, or what they choose to do, but I can do my bit.” – Charles de Lint
~Dr. Diana
That’s a great quote. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Lisa this is truly useful. Many times I don’t know what to say. I am glad it is ok to say nothing and just listen.
Blessings to you
Today is June 17, 2016. You and your family are in my prayers.
I pray I can remember these things once I am past my own grief experience. Good List, thank you.
My sister just lost her husband of over 40 years. Their children are grown. For Christmas, I’d love to get her a Christian book or two about her grief, loss and broken heart. Would you please recommend some? I just found your website a few days ago and have only begun to navigate your wonderful articles. Many thanks and God Bless you and your children!
Hi Jocelyn,
I think the two books that helped me most were Jerry Sittser’s A Grace Disguised and the daily devotion Streams in the Desert. I hope those help. I’ve written quite a bit on grief — 31 Days of Braving the Broken walks through much of my grief process. I would be honored to reach out to your sister if she wants to talk to someone.
This is a wonderful help. You are truly meeting a need by sharing your hardwon experience.
We recently lost our adult daughter. As we lived on opposite coasts, most of our current friends did not know her, and we were out of touch with many of our friends who had watched her grow up. We were amazed how many showed up for our Remembrance event and it was deeply touching to share our memories. Also, her adult friends we didn’t know immediately drew comfort from the stories and shared theirs as well, comforting us.
Still, now months later, I’m blessed to have friends willing to talk with me about Rachel, whether they met her or not.
I will say a prayer for you and yours and hold you in my thoughts. PatLa
This is wonderful Lisa. Thank you for sharing and of course I am so sorry that you have learned so much about walking through grief but you have used your gift of writing to turn your grief into sharing with us in something that we all have to walk through at some point. Do you have any specific book recommendations you found helpful for your children and teens walking through grief?
Great question, Peggy. It’s super hard to find good books on grief for teens. Here’s a list of books for children and here’s another list for adults; some of these would be helpful for teens.